The Elusive Genie

The Elusive Genie

           “Most people are about as happy as they make their minds up to be.”

                                                                                 -Abraham Lincoln

“Did you get the Powerball ticket, Larry?”

“Yep, right here in my pocket, Wally.”

“Did you go with our birthdays this time?”

“Nope. I thought I’d try something different. Here, it’s 1-3-10-8-7-4.”

“Where’d you come up with that?”

“It’s the dates of my Mom’s gall bladder surgery, my sister’s divorce, and the day my dog died.”

“Jesus Christ, Larry, that’s sick.”

“Well, the happy numbers weren’t working so I thought I’d mix it up a little.”

“I guess.”

 All previous plans to find fame and fortune having failed(Seeking buried treasure in the Rockies on a tip, excessive sports gambling, marrying into wealth, and following Brinks trucks in case the doors flung open and bundles of money fell out.), Wally and Larry were now putting their eggs in the Power Ball basket. Seventy-five plays yielded $7.00, a near statistical impossibility. Larry was more accepting of their dead-end endeavors as he had finally settled into his lowly station in life. Wally, on the other hand, was growing more frustrated with every failure. He put a twist on the Army recruitment slogan, “Be all that you can be”. Wally’s mantra was “Have all you can have.”

“Dammit, Larry, look at what these pro athletes are making, millions of dollars to play a stupid game. They live in mansions, drive cool cars, and are surrounded by hot babes. It’s not fair.”

Larry had heard it all a thousand times.

“If I would have been just a foot taller, I could have been a power forward for the Celtics. I’d be living in one of those mansions.”

“Wally, you were the last guy on the bench on our grade school teams. You made one basket in four years, and that was for the wrong team,”

“Or those hedge fund guys, or someone who invents some internet thing, they can buy a whole NBA team. It’s not fair.”

“It sure isn’t, but you know, we don’t have it so bad, Wally. We live in…”

“We just need a better plan.”

Larry knew any attempt to dissuade Wally from his fanciful ambitions would be futile.

“Yes, a better plan.”

Unfair, want, money, stuff… the mainstays of Wally’s lexicon.

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Wally joined Becky at her table in the Walmart break room.

“Wally, there’s an opening for a supervisor position coming up. Why don’t you put in for it?”

“I don’t think so, Becky. I’m not going to be stuck here stocking shelves for Walmart.”

“That’s what I do, Wally.”

“Oh… sorry.”

“Marge wants us to clear the shelves on Aisle B-7 for a new product coming in.”

“What’s that?”

“Metal detectors. That’s a big thing nowadays, people out looking for coins or whatever.”

Metal detectors! While Becky made her suggestions on the logistics of moving product around, Wally’s mind wandered off into the exciting world of buried treasure.

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Wally was so excited about his new plan he called Larry on his way home from work.

“What’s that, Wally? You’re breaking up. You bought a pedal protector?”

“No, a metal detector. That’s the new plan. Buried treasure! We hit the beach tomorrow.”

“Uh… ok.”

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Think big. Attitude is everything. The power of positive thinking. Wally brought three Walmart bags to the beach to haul all their loot.

“You think we’re going to find that much stuff, Wally?”

“You never know. People lose stuff all the time… coins, earrings, Rolex watches. We want to be prepared.”

Six hours under the hot sun yielded two quarters, a dime, four pennies, and a buckle off a kid’s swim mask.

“I don’t know, Wally. I don’t think…”

Beep...beep…BEEP!

“Hold onto your socks, Larry. I think we’ve got something here!”

Sand was flying in every direction and nearby sunbathers fled as Wally and Larry feverishly attacked the spot with their gardening trowels. Deeper and deeper, 6 inches, 12 inches, and finally two feet down they heard the exciting sound of metal striking metal. Wally reached his arm down into the hole and brushed aside the last covering of sand with his fingers.

“It’s buried deep, Wally. It must have been here a long time.”

“I’ve got it, Larry.”

Wally freed the object from its burial site and brought it to the surface.

“What is it, Wally? It looks pretty weird.”

 Wally knew. He recognized the unique shape from some of his dreams. It was the front door to all his desires.

“It’s an Aladdin’s lamp.”

“How do you know it’s Alan Ladd’s lamp?”

“Jesus Christ, man, clean out your ears. It’s not Alan Ladd’s lamp. It’s an Aladdin’s lamp, you know, the kind Genies come out of.”

“It looks like a piece of junk.”

“Are you out of your mind? Don’t you know anything?! This thing is priceless.”

“Why is that?”

“Oh my God, Larry… wishes… wishes! We rub the lamp, a Genie comes out and grants us wishes. Anything we can dream of!”

“Really?”

“Yes, really.”

“Rub the lamp, man. Let’s get us some wishes.”

“Not here in front of all these people. Wait until we get home.”

Wally stuffed the precious Aladdin’s lamp into a Walmart bag and they headed home.

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 “I think I’m getting tennis elbow from rubbing this damn thing. Can you take a turn, Wally?”

“I guess. I didn’t think it would be so hard.”

“Don’t they sell something like this at Walmart?”

“Larry, you saw how deep this thing was buried. It had to be there for like a thousand years. There weren’t any Walmarts around back then. This thing has magic written all over it.”

“It’s been two weeks, Wally. We’re wearing the finish off.”

“Stop your whining. Just think of all the cool stuff we’ll get if… I mean when.. the Genie hops out. We should be writing down our wishes so we don’t mess up.”

“How many wishes do we get?”

“Well, the customary number is three, but who knows, maybe we’ll get lucky and get more. But we probably shouldn’t count on more than three. What would your number one wish be, Larry?”

“I don’t know, maybe a Lamborghini, or a mansion on the ocean.”

“Larry, you don’t wish for specific items. You wish for lots of money and then you can buy all that stuff. That way you only burn one wish.”

“That’s smart. And what would you wish for, Wally?”

“That’s easy, a really hot babe, beautiful and… well, you know.”

“What if we only get one wish? You going to spend it on the girl and skip the money?”

A shudder went through Wally’s body. For a guy with dreams of having everything, that thought hadn’t entered his mind. A single wish could be problematic.

“I think you should find a girl yourself and not leave it to some Genie. You might get a Bo Derek, but what if she’s a real bitch?”

“You might have a point there, but I haven’t had much luck meeting girls.”

“What about that girl you work with, Bonnie…”

“Becky.”

“Yeah, Becky, I’ve met her. She seems nice, or one of the girls in our line dancing class?”

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Wally was working feverishly on the lamp in the Walmart break room.

“Wally, what on earth are you doing?”

Secrecy had been abandoned in the interest of more rubbing time. Wally couldn’t get the Aladdin’s lamp off his mind when he was at work. It pained him to know he was sweeping and mopping while he should have been home caressing his treasure so he brought his find to work where he could seek the Genie whenever the opportunity arose.

“Uh… nothing.”

“Are you polishing that thing?”

“Yes… polishing… that’s it.”

“What is it?”

“This thing?”

“Yes, that thing.”

Becky moved in for a closer look.

“Why it looks like one of those Aladdin lamps, the thing a Genie would come out of.”

“Yes! An Aladdin’s lamp! I found it buried at the beach.”

“It’s like the ones we have over in B-12.”

“No, this one is ancient. It was buried like a hundred feet under the sand. It’s ancient, Becky. It has to be magic. I just need to rub it the right way, and a Genie will appear and grant me a bunch of wishes.”

“You really think so?”

Wally was a good guy and she would never interfere with anyone’s dreams. She’d play along.

“I think it’s three wishes, but I read somewhere it’s just one.”

The reference to one wish was disconcerting for Wally as he had already been counting his chickens.

“How long have you been rubbing it?”

“Just a couple of weeks.”

“Maybe you’re not sincere enough.”

“You think I need to be sincere?”

“It wouldn’t hurt.”

 “Wally, some of us are going bowling Thursday after work. Would you like to come?”

Time away from the lamp? No way.

“I don’t think so. I’m busy Wednesday night.”

“Thursday.”

“Oh, yeah, Thursday too.”

Two years of working alongside Wally. Becky looked at him and then took a glance at the lamp. She knew what she’d wish for.

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“I don’t think you’re sincere enough, Larry.”

“Me? What about you? I saw you rubbing the lamp while you were watching a rerun of Gunsmoke last night. That doesn’t seem too sincere to me.”

“Unlike you, Larry, I can do two things at the same time.”

“I don’t know, Wally. I’m ready to give up on it.”

“Shame! It’s the answer to our prayers. It’s got to be magic. How else do you explain a real Genie lamp being buried so deep in the sand? We just have to believe and keep at it. And you need to be sincere!”

A slight smirk appeared on Larry’s face.

“Do you want to hear a Genie joke?”

“No.”

“It’s about the hard-of-hearing Genie and the guy who ended up with a 12 inch pianist…”

“That’s not funny. Do not joke about the Genie.”

“It’s a little funny.”

“And you’re on rub duty tonight. You better get on it, and I don’t want to hear any complaining.”

Sometimes the reality of a situation is hard to face, especially when dealing with your best friend. Larry had given up hope that a Genie would appear, but he didn’t want to take Wally’s dream away. Still, he felt compelled to say something.

“Uh, Wally, maybe we don’t have to be rich and famous to be happy. Maybe we could be happy with what we have.”

The moment the words left his lips Larry knew his friend felt he had been betrayed. It was Sancho Ponza taking the windmills away from Don Quixote. As unsettling as Wally’s state of mind had become, did he have the right to take away his friend’s dream?

“I’m on it, Wally. I’ll give it a good two hours.”

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Can one will something to happen? If you want something badly enough, do you get it? If so, Wally and the Genie would have been good buddies by now.

He went to bed with the lamp cradled in his arms, gently rubbing it until sleep arrived. It was on the seat next to him as he drove to work, one hand on the steering wheel, one hand beckoning the Genie. The lamp was with him in the shower, and of course, it made regular appearances in the Walmart breakroom.

“And you really think this thing will make you happy?”

“Not directly, Becky, and maybe don’t call it ‘this thing’. It’s a special Aladdin lamp with special powers.”

“Ok, so how is this special Aladdin lamp going to make you happy?”

“It doesn’t make me happy. It gets me the things I need to be happy, like a cool car, a mansion, a hot…well, things like that.”

“I see. And you don’t think there’s a more direct way to happiness?”

“Not that I can think of off-hand.”

“I don’t know, Wally. That sounds a little shallow to me. And when will you know when you’re happy?”

“I guess I’ll know when I get the stuff.”

“I remember our Priest once talked about an ancient Pharoa who lusted for gold. One day a servant asked him how much gold he needed. The Pharoa answered ‘more’. Be careful, Wally. If you get your yacht, you might just want a bigger one.”

Wally looked down at the lamp on the table and stopped rubbing for a moment.

“Our group is going out for the fish fry at the American Legion Post this Friday, Wally. You should come.”

Wally’s eyes bounced back and forth from the lamp to Becky.

“Friday? I… “

He looked down at the table. He no longer had a hold of the lamp. It had a hold of him.

“Friday? I can’t… I’m doing… something on Friday.”

A touch of frustration… no, anger in her voice.

“Wally, we make our own happiness in this world.”

“Well, you make your happiness and I’ll go find mine.”

“Good luck with that, Wally.”

Becky abruptly got up and left as the unmistakable air of disappointment hung in the room.

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When Wally or Larry weren’t rubbing the lamp, it occupied a prominent place on their fireplace mantle. That way Wally could keep an eye on it when he was leafing through magazines searching for the coveted objects the Genie could get for him- boats, cars, houses, jewelry, all the trappings of wealth. He was making his list and checking it twice.

“You sure you don’t want to go to Fred’s for poker night, Wally?”

“I’m sure.”

“Or we could catch a movie.”

“No thanks.”

“How about we go to Liquid Johny’s for a couple of beers?”

“No, I’ve got stuff to do.”

“Wally, you’re obsessed with that lamp. You haven’t done a thing since you found it.”

“I’m doing research.”

“For what, Wally? Writing things down that you think will make you happy someday?”

“I guess.”

“Are you happy today?”

Silence from Wally as he stared at the lamp.

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Wally sat in the break room rubbing the lamp as Becky entered. She got a Pepsi out of the machine, walked past Wally, and sat down at a table at the far end of the room. Wally continued rubbing his prized possession but with a little less vigor. He took a look at Becky… a long look… and then set the lamp down on the table. He didn’t look happy.

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Larry got called in to work the night shift so Wally sat home alone with his Aladdin’s lamp. They had been inseparable for two months, and he felt like a peculiar sort of friendship had developed. But he lamented how the whole thing had consumed him, taken over his life, and strained his friendship with Larry. Most troubling was the image of Becky sitting alone at another table in the break room. The harsh reality hit him. Two months of rubbing the damn thing produced nothing. It was hard for Wally to accept- there was no Genie in the lamp.

Wally felt like a fool as he placed the lamp on the fireplace mantle. Tomorrow he would say his goodbyes and put the lamp back where he found it. He thought it best that he would go alone. Wally turned off the small spotlight he had shining on the lamp, downed a couple of beers, and fell asleep on the sofa.

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It wasn’t a bright light… more of a deep purple and red hazy glow. It floated around the room like a soft mist and gently nudged Wally awake. When Wally’s vision came into focus, he could see a cloud of color spewing out of the lamp on the mantle. An imposing figure dressed in baggy pants, a vest, and a small fez hovered over him.

“Holy crap! You’re a Genie!”

“No kidding. An Aladdin’s lamp buried in the sand and you rubbed the crap out of it. Who were you expecting, the Gingerbread Man?”

“I can’t believe it! I was right all along!”

“Good for you. Now what do you want?”

“That’s it? Can’t we just chat for a bit? I mean it’s pretty amazing to have Genie in my house.”

“Sorry, but I’m on a tight schedule. There are a lot of Aladdin lamps buried out there but just one Genie. That’s me. Now make your wish.”

Wally was afraid of that. His list was three pages long and now he had to pick one.

“Just one wish? I thought I’d get at least three.”

“Nope. Pick one and make it snappy.”

Wally’s mind swirled in search of the right answer. Then he thought of Becky and her words of wisdom.

“I want to be… happy.”

“Good choice. Too many people go for the material riches and the hot babes.”

“So how do I get to be happy?"

“It’s been in your hands all along, Wally. Just put the lamp back where you found it and live your life like you never found the lamp. You make your own happiness in this world. You should have known that.”

“Uh… thanks. Say, could you stick around until my friend Larry gets back? He’d get a real kick out of this.”

“Sorry, can’t do it.”

And the Genie was gone.

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“Good morning, Becky.”

“Where’s your stupid lamp?”

“Back where I found it.”

“Did it bring you happiness?”

“In a way, I guess it did. Yeah, it taught me a lot.”

“And what did you learn, Wally?”

“Well, for starters, I was wondering if you’d like to hit the bowling alley with me tonight.”

The hint of a smile.

“Yes… I'd like that, Wally."

Unbeknownst to Wally, the Genie was a soft touch for romance, and he was still at work. He put a little extra into Becky’s smile and a tear in the corner of her eye. He liked it so much that he put one in Wally’s eye too.