Whiskey and Lilacs

She was the definition of perfect, and everything I could never be. A princess who was on track to inherit the throne after her father, beautiful enough with a personality to match and capable of charming anyone she met.

I was the shadow that lurked in the dark of the courtroom, everyone knew I didn’t belong here, wasn’t born into the rank I had or the status that came with it. Instead I clawed my way up through the ranks, forging a name stained in rumors of the deals I’ve made. Some of them whispered my name in reverence while others cursed my very existence. But I was fine with it, either way I sat at the same table as them, talking the same politics and making the same deals.

The king sat at the head of the table, his daughter on his right and the queen on the left, the only one of the lot that was actually paying attention to the court meeting. And despite my best efforts my eyes continued to find their way towards her. Olive skin and dark hair that cascaded down her bare shoulders, eyes as bright as the clear blue sky and a smile that pierced the darkness covering my soul. She was exactly what I shouldn’t want, people like me didn’t deserve someone as bright as her, but I couldn’t stop myself from staring at her.

As if she felt my eyes on her she looked down the table towards me, stuck between a pot bellied man that reeked of stale beer and a lanky fellow that looked more in place at a bank than dealing with politics. She gave me a slight smile before turning her attention back towards whatever her mother was saying to her, and as if the spell was broken everything came rushing back in.

“Armada has been inching closer to our border, they’ve posted a group of soldiers in Carlton. Training is what they would have us believe, but I say they’re preparing to break the truce, Carlton is less than four hours on foot from one of our largest port towns, if they take it our import and export will take a drastic hit.”

Alexander, the diplomatic ambassador that deals with our neighboring kingdom, Armada. His voice was soft yet had a commanding presence, capable of both setting one at ease while relaying the urgency of what he said. My eyes roved over the expanse of his body, he had short dirty blonde hair and sea foam green eyes with tanned skin, his physique was one built from hours in the gym every day. Unsurprisingly he was remarkably handsome, someone that the girls of any city would fawn over if he walked through the street.

“As long as they don’t cross the border we can’t do anything. However their position is worrying, send a battalion of our own soldiers to the port town, give Armada the same reasoning they gave us if questioned.”

The king spoke, everyone falling dead silent as he did, his once deep voice coated in regality was now weakened from age and quiet. He was once called the “Warrior King” , the man who led dozens of battles, each one a victory, to rapidly expand his kingdom. But now his body was failing him, his skin gray and wrinkled and his muscles deteriorated from old age, but nonetheless he maintained his presence, when he spoke everyone listened.

“Of course.”

Gratien, the head of all affairs dealing with the military, gave a quick answer followed by a nod of his head. Having given up his position he now remained as the drill instructor for any incoming recruits, his body still holding up the muscled physique that came with being a soldier despite his age, and the scars lining his arm and neck portraying just how much he has been through. I respected the old warrior, like me he came from humble beginnings and made his way up the ranks, a farmer on the outskirts of the kingdom that joined the wars the King started and made a name for himself.

“Now if there is nothing else, I believe we are done here.”

The king didn’t even wait for anyone to speak up, he was already halfway out of his seat before I stood up and spoke out.

“I believe we should address the sparks of a rebellion that have been flaring up, and the coincidence of timing with the threat of Armada on our doorstep.”

My voice rang out, deep and commanding, even amongst the scrape of chairs against the stone floor it cut through the noise. All eyes turned towards me as I brought up the one subject everyone seemed to be dancing around, the rebellion.

“There is nothing to speak about.”

Gratian Spoke quickly, not even sitting back down, but pinning me with a hard stare that I met with one of my own. I had spoken to him multiple times about bringing the subject up during these meetings and each time he responded with “there is nothing to worry about” until finally I had enough and did it myself.

“There are more and more rebels standing out amongst the crowd nowadays, I’m sure you out of everyone should have noticed since it’s your soldiers that are dealing with the crowds.”

I held his gaze as I spoke, he looked like he wanted to throttle me right now, but I was more worried about discussing the harder subjects before they got out of hand rather than back down and forget about it till it was too late.

“We are not talking about this.”

The king finally interjected, giving the same answer he gave when the rebellion first started showing signs and he dismissed it as being nothing, for some reason every time it was brought up he refused to talk about it. My attention snapped away from Gratian and towards the King, my eyes boring holes into his back as he walked away from the table towards the door in the far corner that would lead to his private chambers. I didn’t know if his dismissal was due to his reluctance to make the problem real by addressing it, or due to something else. His health hasn’t visibly taken a change for the worse, but every meeting he has attended recently has been cut short by him, and they only get shorter each time.

I let out a sigh I didn’t realize I was still holding in, letting the tension in my shoulders release, before immediately tensing again as the scent of lilacs wrapped around me. I turned to meet her gaze, clear blue eyes looking up at me. She stood inches shorter than me, barely reaching the base of my neck, yet she didn’t back down as I stared down at her.

“What can I do for you Vivian?”

The question came out harsher than I wanted, but every time I was near her she put me on edge, physically I had no reason to feel this way around her but she was the one constant I could never get out of my head and that scared me more than I was willing to admit.

“Do you really think the rebellion is a problem?”

At one point she would have chastised me for using her name instead of her title, even if we were alone like we are now, but now she didn’t even address it. I watched for a moment, stunned by her question. She was the last person I expected to worry about the topic, before I got my emotions back under control, the ever present mask I wore slipping back into place as I watched her.

“Your father doesn’t seem worried, why should you be?”

“Because I am going to have to take over after my father, and I would rather the citizens of my kingdom be happy with my rule than be forced to make do with it. My father doesn’t seem to mind what they are saying about him, he never had, even when the general opinion of him turned sour in his older age. I don’t want to be like that, I want to be loved by my subjects.”

Not for the first time I was reminded of how perfect she was, I found it hard to believe that anybody would hate her as their queen, but I also understood the displeasure that came from being ruled over. Watching as someone else had everything while you were struggling just to make it through the day.

“You will make a great queen someday, Vivian. But if you would excuse me, I have a prior engagement to attend to.”

My features softened slightly as I spoke, trying to ease the worry that coiled around the lines of her delicate features, but there was only so much comfort someone like me could provide her. I gave a quick bow of my head, improper in most settings but more than I usually indulged her when it was just us, before I walked around her and out of the courtroom doors.

It wasn’t long until I found myself in the dark and desolate bar, trading the suits I wore during meetings for the plain black jeans and pants I usually wore. Two men sat in the corner of the tavern, nursing their second beer and whispering to each other, leaving me alone at the bar with my glass of scotch. Usually I don’t drink, the numbness that follows after each drink reminds me too much of my past and the things I’ve lost to get where I am now, but today I needed to replace the thought of clear blue eyes and lilacs.

“Oh how the mighty have fallen. Coming back to grace us with your presence Jackson?”

Lucius’s voice wrapped around the column of my throat like a vice, his presence filling my lungs like smoke and choking the oxygen from my body. Suddenly I couldn’t breathe, but at the same time it felt like I was breathing for the first time. He was the embodiment of everything I left behind, but also everything I once was, the darkness that coiled in the depths of my soul sang out towards him. Urging me to remember when I was like him, when I didn’t let anything stand in the way of what I wanted, before I put on the mask I wore and the suits that make me fit in with the rest of the politicians of the kingdom.

“What can I do for you Lucius?”

He sat down on the bar stool next to me, giving a quick gesture to the tender before a glass of Macallan slid towards him.

“1 week.”

He didn’t need to elaborate, I already knew what he was talking about. And Inwardly I sighed, I had one week to make a decision that would alter the course of my life. To choose between what I had now and what I once had, what I could have again if I chose to, to give up everything I fought for.

“I already told you no.”

I held no conviction in my voice, there was still that dark part of me that urged me to take him up on the deal, what was the issue? It wasn’t different from any of the dirty deals that I made in my life to either live another day or raise my status to where it was at again. But as the words almost slipped from my lips the smell of lilacs filled my head again, before fresh air filled my lungs. Without realizing it I had rushed out of the tavern and stood on the sidewalk.

I pushed my hands through my hair, a rough groan escaping my lips at the thought of her. Even in the darkest part of my life she was the guiding light that kept me pure it would seem, but how long could it last before the darkness inside of me corrupted her.

I couldn’t have her, not when this plague still stained my hands, but even though I wanted her I couldn’t give up the darkness that I harbored. It was so engrained in my soul that to remove it would be to remove part of myself, another yell ripped from my throat as I gripped at the hair fisted in my palms, what did I want more?

I let go of my hair, standing up from the crouching position I didn’t realize I was in, pushing off against the wall as I started the long walk back towards the castle hoping the fresh air would deal with the thoughts clouding my head.

If I wanted her I would have to tell the king Lucius’s plan, I would have to remove the darkness that still waged war over the man I made myself to be, but I didn’t know if I could do that. The fear of rejection ate at the sanity I fought so hard for. If I gave up on the prospect of her and sided with Lucius I could get an even higher position in court, but if I gave up Lucius to the king I would lose everything for the chance to be with her.

By the time I reached the palace door, the moon covered everything in a silver glow, and my thoughts were no less clouded than they were at the bar. I wound through the hallways, my hand running across the polished stone bricks lining the walls, thoughts racing through my head, until the scent of lilacs wrapped around me again. Without realizing it I found myself facing the outside of Vivian’s door, my hand clenched and unclenched at my side, I fought the urge to knock against it and see if she was still awake.

“What are you doing Jackson?”

Her voice soothed an ache I didn’t know I had. I turned around to find her leaning against the window opposite of me, she was dressed in a white and pink night gown, leaving the expanse of her arms and legs exposed. Even when she wasn’t trying she was still the most beautiful thing I’ve ever seen, the moonlight reflecting off her olive skin and giving her an ethereal glow, those curious clear blue eyes staring up at me as if urging me to bare my heart to her.

“I don’t know.”

It was all I could think to say, I didn’t know why or how I ended up here but I think a part of me was longing to see her and ask if what I felt was real. She closed the distance between us, her bare feet barely making any noise as she glided across the stone floor until she was just barely a foot from me. Her hand reached up to rest against the side of my cheek, and the tension coiling through my body was on the verge of snapping, my hands falling softly on her hips. It took all of three seconds before my lips crashed down on hers, my hands on her hips carefully guiding her backwards until she was pressed between me and the glass again. Taking the chance to deepen the kiss, my tongue ran across her lips seeking entrance, and when she gave it to me a part of me crumbled.

The darkness that I harbored inside of me lay bare at her feet, drowning the light that she produced until It stood no chance at ever consuming me again. Reluctantly I pushed away from her, the pads of my fingers touching the bottom of my lip as I stared at her. Her cheeks and neck were flushed and her hair was disheveled from where my hand wrapped around it, she looked up at me as I stared down at her.

“I have to talk to your father.”

Suddenly the spell was broken, her parted lips closed into a thin line as she looked down at her feet, a slight nod of her head and she was gone. I stood still for a second before banging my head against the glass, this could’ve been the last time I would ever get to see her and I just ruined it. But I couldn’t stand to be with her while carrying this secret.

So the next morning I had an audience with the king. I confessed that Lucius was behind the rebellion and that I helped him come up with a plan to overthrow the current king, him. Of course he didn’t take well to this, but my status and reputation that I developed through the years, as well as the favors I accumulated and called in at the last moment allowed for me to keep my rank in name only. I lost all of the privileges that came with it, including access to the palace and the ability to see the royal family. To everyone in the court, I was an outcast who plotted to overthrow the kingdom, but to everyone else I was still a member of the noble class that helped govern over them along with the royals.

In reality I was nobody, once again nothing better than a commoner who was just trying to make it through to the next day, but now that darkness that helped me get there was gone. All that was left was the scent of lilacs and ethereal olive skin, the feeling of her lips pressed against mine, as I sought to claim her as mine.

Even if it took me the rest of my life I would make it back to her, I did it once and now I knew the way to do it again, I would climb the ranks again to be with her now that I was becoming someone worthy of her.