do you believe in second chances?

“Do you believe in second chances? Do you regret what’s happened in your life, and want to turn it around?”

Second Chances. The TV show for dummies who messed up big time. Where they get to go on TV and get paid to fix their mistakes. Some get new houses, new jobs, others apologize in front of a crowd. One thing they all get is a new life.

I don’t really understand how the show is so popular. The whole “everyone gets a second chance” idea is kinda dumb. Like, what happened to “you only live once”? People should be nice the first time, realize they’re wrong the first time. Not have to wait 20 years to go on TV and then suddenly think hmmm maybe I did something wrong all those digity-dang years ago.

If second chances were actually worth it, wouldn’t this world be worse off? Like, you would be free to do whatever the heck you want until you were 30 or so, and then decide you want to change your life around for the better. So we have a bunch of young idiots roaming the streets, but they get automatic forgiveness and unconditional love and support once they decide they want it?

It’s stupid, really. But here I am, sitting backstage as the camera crew gets ready to film. It takes a whole lot of makeup for someone to get a second chance.

And really, do I even deserve this? I was never given a second chance all those years ago. No matter how much I prayed for it, and no matter how much I didn’t deserve it. 

How can you know it’s your fault when you wake up in the hospital and go back into your life with everyone hating you because you did something you didn’t even know you did? When all the evidence is against you, but you know it wasn’t you. When the person who is in the wrong, who is supposed to help you, pulls out a long list of all the reasons why you did it and reads it to your face.

And then what do you do, when you have to live your life with hatred as a best friend.

And then what happens, when you’re so unraveled by all of the stupid people and stupid choices and stupid lies, that suddenly it is your fault.

And all of a sudden, after wishing you had gotten a second chance, wishing you could go back to normal, you become the villain you never were. You become the persona you had come to hate. You become the image of something that was put upon you, taking it upon yourself to fill the role you never wanted.

And now, I’m sitting on a couch, ready for the TV interview, the camera crew about to roll, and crying. The hours of dress-up slowly unraveling as I curl up in a ball and cry.

Why am I here?

Why do I deserve this?

Why? The word echoes in my head. I wish the ground would swallow me up, but instead, the cameras are rolling, taking in me, and my “second chance” to show to the world.

I won’t do any of it. They can look up all the mistakes I made, even call it a third chance that they’re giving me. They can try to make me apologize, try to turn my life around, but in the end, I don’t deserve any of it.

None of the money, the time, the effort. Because in the end, no matter what, I’ll be going back to square one. Not the “second chance” square one with a clean slate, but the “beginning of the end” square one. The square one where everyone remembers and hates me for it. Where all of the pain that’s consumed me all my life gathers into a bundle until the next “square one”. It’s happened all my life, and it’s going to happen now. 

The voice from behind the camera starts asking me questions., ones I don't want to answer.

Questions like "Do you know why you're here today?"

"What do you wish you could change?"

"What can you do to fix what you've wronged?"

"Do you know what's going to happen next?"

"Do you believe in second chances?"

Most of the people on the show say no, yet somehow they get their entire life turned around, and are put in a better place. They get proven that everyone gets a second chance. But me? What did I do to deserve one? What did I do to deserve anything?

Why do I, the person who never even got a first chance, get to have a second one? Everyone knew I wouldn't get one anyway, so why bother with the first? Some people in life are just born lucky. They have the luxury of getting any chances they want. I was born unlucky, without any chances available to me. The universe clearly didn't have any to spare.

All these people who come on the show, and even people in day to day life, get to try again and get to have people supporting them. They're given the opportunities to change, given the push in the direction to better their life. These are things that I've never gotten. Why would I get them now? Why should anyone get them? The people who need them the most don't get them anyway, and the people who simply want them because they are entitled to get as many as they want.

You aren't born with the choice of getting a second chance. You are either born with the right to try again or are born with the hopes of getting to try at all. Those on the top get sympathy and love, while those on the bottom are left with hatred.

So, no. I don’t believe in second chances. Because, chances are, the people you’re going to want to give them to? They don’t deserve it. The people who do deserve it never really get it. Because “second chances” are only for the people who have noticeably messed up. The kind of people who never really had any chance in the first place.