The Wrong Date

“Man, you suck!” I said.

“Yeah, well, if someone hadn't bumped my arm while I was playing, I would have beaten your ass!” Kevin Goodkind replied.

“Yeah, right… excuses are are like hamsters; no one wants them.

“Huh?”

“Hamsters are a pain to take care of; always having to clean their cages…”

“I like hamsters though; they’re goofy!”

“Whatever, bro.”

“Why do you think hamsters—“

“Wanna go on a date?” Kevin interrupted.

“A date? With who?”

“My sister's friend, Lizzy Truhart.”

“Why?”

“Her boyfriend just broke up with her and she's devastated.”

“And I care… Why?”

“She's a nice girl.”

I put my hand on my face. “Kevin…”

“What…? Come on, she needs cheering up!”

“Well…. OK.”

“Cool, she's coming over now.” He grinned and patted my black curly head like a dog.

“Wait—what?”

The doorbell rang.

“That’s her, have fun!” Kevin walked to the door and opened it.

“Hello, I'm Lizzy; nice to meet you,” she said, holding her hand out.

My mouth felt dry; my heart pounded a mile a minute. She… was… HOT! Blonde hair, blue eyes. Like a fashion model. She even had cute dimples. “Uh…”

“I’m sorry, he's broken,” Kevin said.

I stepped on his foot.

“OW!”

“Nice to, um, meet you, Lizzy. I assume Kevin told you about me.

“Nope, he just said I should go out with you ‘cuz you were a cutie-cutie!”

I looked at my good friend. “What the Hell, man?”

Kevin shrugged. “I was just trying to help you out. You seem all lonely in your bedroom watching Power Rangers.”

I felt blood rushing up to my face and wished I could strangle Kevin.

“Aw, poor guy… Well, I'll fix that! Did you know my boyfriend just broke up with me?”

“No,” I lied.

               “Well, he did, said I was crazy.”

“Well, that's rude! I‘m sorry”

“It’s OK, I’m practically over him now.”

“Good for you.”

“Well, shall we get rolling now?”

“I guess - - I mean, yes.”

“OK, let’s have fun’!” She grabbed my arm.

“Have fun, Barbie and Ken!” my ex-friend called out.

“So, what do you wanna do?” I asked, heading to my car.

“Oh, you‘re driving?”

“Yeah.”

“I wanna drive.”

“OK.”

She walked to what I assumed was her Chevy, opened the door, hopped in and closed the door. She asked, “How do you like my car?”

“It’s… OK, I guess…?”

“OK is the right word!” she said.

“Uh,… OK?”

She started the car and sped off. “Where do u wanna go?”

“Uh, I don’t know; you choose.”

“OK, my house.”

“Uh, alright.”

She grabbed my hand. “I can tell we’re gonna have fun.”

She pulled into her driveway. “This is my house.”

“Yeah, it's nice.” I unbuckled my seatbelt.

“Thank you,” she said and got out.

I opened the door and paused.

“What's wrong, sweetie?”

”What?” Then this thought went through my head: Sweetie? We just met and you call me sweetie?

“What’s wrong?”

“Oh, it's nothing

“Really? ‘Cuz you act like something is wrong.”

“It's nothing, really… Let’s go in your house now.”

“Hold on, you’re ordering me around now.”

“No, I thought you wanted to go in.”

“You thought?!”

“No, I mean, you said—“

“I said what?!”

I sighed. “Do you want to go in now?

“Yes

“OK!”

She smiled. “You're silly; I can't wait to show you my collection! Come on!” she grabbed my arm and yanked me to the door.

Lord, should I kill my friend? know you said not to kill but…

She unlocked and opened the door. “This is my house!” It looked like a normal house: wood floor, staircase, baby blue walls, fireplace…

“Nice plant,”” I said.

“Thank you, I love plants.”

“Yes, they're cool.”

“Yeah, I just hate deforestation. Cutting down the poor trees.”

“Yes, I agree, it's wrong.”

“Yeah… hey, wanna see my parrot?”

“Sure.”

“OK, sit down. I'll bring him out.”

“Ok,” I walked to the bright red couch and took a seat. She ran up the stairs.I pulled my phone out. I had one text message: Hey, dude how's the date goin? Dija smoochy-smooch yet?

I rolled my eyes and texted: No. Thanks for hooking me up with some chick with emotional issues.

I put the phone back in my pocket. I Sighed. This sucks! I kinda think she’s a little crazy, but I can't just leave right now. She would be hurt and maybe lose it for real! I sighed again, looked up, and gasped as a huge red parrot appeared on the banister. It waddled down the banister towards me. “What the…” I started, then I realized it was a giant stuffed toy.

You like it?” Lizzy asked as she carried the big thing down.

“Uh… yeah, it’s cool! Where'd you get it?”

“I won it at the carnival last fall.”

“Awesome! What booth?”

“It was just that game where you throw balls at milk bottles.”

“And you won?”

“Yep - knocked them all down on the first try.”

“Wow! Cool! I never could do that! My aim sucks!”          

“Thank you.”

“You must have quite an arm.”

“What do you wanna do?”

“I’m beating you!” Lizzy said.

“Nuh-uh.”

“Uh-huh. I'm ahead.”

“We’re not playing that way; whoever is behind the other wins.”

“Yeah right!” She rolled her eyes.

“No, I’m cereal!”

“Oh my God! I love that episode of South Park!

“You do?”

“Yeah.

Princess Peach crossed the finish line in her cart.

“OHHHHH!” Lizzy yelled. “In your… your face!”

I smile, maybe I misjudged her.

“Wanna brownie?” she asked, putting the Joy Con down.

“Sure,” I replied, looking at my phone: 3:05. “Wow! We’ve been playing for three hours”

“No, way!” Lizzy said.

“Way! It's already three!”

“Wow! Time flies!”

“Yep”.

She got up and went to the kitchen. “I baked candy corn into them.”

“Oh yeah? Sounds good.”

“They are!” I heard the refrigerator door open, then scuffling tin foil.

“Where did you get the idea?”

“I came up with it.”

“Cool!”

“Thank you!'' she said as she carried a tray into the living room and set it down on the couch.

I thought it was a little weird she didn’t use the table, but I didn’t say anything.

“These look delicious!” I said, eyeing the brownies.

She giggled. “They are!” She grabbed one and held it up to my mouth. “Open, silly”

I complied and she shoved it in my mouth. “ MMMM! These are really good.”

“Just really good?”

“Uh, I mean delicious!” I said, remembering that she’s kind of sensitive.

“Aw, thank you,” Lizzy replied.

“Can I have another one?”

“Sure.” She fed it to me.

“Thanks.”

“No prob, sweetie.”

“You know,” I paused to swallow. “You're really nice.”

“Really?” She helps me eat another.

“Yeah.”

“Aw, thank you! You're so sweet!”

“What do you wanna do now?”

“Let's go out somewhere.”

“OK, where do u wanna go?”

“To the park.”

“OK.”

“Nice day out,” I said, getting out of the car.

“I don’t know why we couldn’t walk over there.”

I ignored her. I admit I’m too lazy to walk long distances.

Hello? Are you there?”

“What's that smell?”

“Oh, sure, ignore me!”

I sniffed the air. “Smells like—“

“OH MY GOD, LOOK!” She pointed straight ahead.

I looked and gasped.

The lake was on fire!

“What happened?”

Huge flame shot up as thick smoke covered the sky. It looked like Hell came to Earth.

A man of about eighty came up to us and said, “Yeah, some prankster just dumped oil in the lake and lit it on fire. The jackass! No respect for Mother Earth! I’ll tell you what!”

“Jesus! Is there anything I can do?” Lizzy asked.

“No, leave the park!” a female voice said. I turned around and saw a firefighter standing there.

“But, we want to help!” Lizzy said.

“We’ve got it covered.”

 “But—“

Leave!”

“Come on, Lizzy, let’s go,” I said and grabbed her hand.

“I really wanted to help,” Lizzy said, tears streaming down her cheeks.

“I know,” I replied, my hand on the steering wheel.

“Poor fishies!” she sobbed.

“It's OK, there's more fish in the sea.”

“I know, but…”

“But what?” I grabbed her hand.

“I just hate when bad things happen.”

“Yeah, me too, but you just gotta let things go and move on.”

“OK, I’ll try.” She sniffled.

“Atta girl!” I didn’t know why I said that. My face heated up. I cleared my throat. “Um, where do u wanna go?”

“Home.”

“OK.”

We stayed silent for the rest of the ride.

She followed me into her house, then closed the door.

“I’m sorry for what happened to the lake.”

“Oh, sweetie… it’s not your fault.”

“Yeah, but, it ruined our time out.”

“No, it didn't.”

“Huh?”

“We still can have fun here.”

“You're right; screw the park.”

“So, um, want a back rub?”

“Huh?”

“I give great back massages.”

“Sure, why not?”

“Take off your shirt.”

I shrugged and complied. What could I say? I felt sorry for her.

“Turn around.”

I did and she placed her hand on the middle of my back. She began rubbing. My muscles start relaxing. “Is that good?”

“Good? It feels AWESOME!”

“Well… awesome`!” she said and laughed.

“You're right; you give great massages.”

“Thanks, you're so sweet!”

“You're welcome,” I said

Lizzy looked outside. “Getting dark out.”

“Yeah, we had an awesome day, right?” I smiled.

               “Sweetie, it's time.”

“For what?”

“For the sacrifice.”

“What?!”

“Get in the chair.”

“Uh, no?”

“Please, I’ll let you touch them.”

“I’d rather not.”

“Get in the chair NOW!”

“No.”

She shoved me to the floor.

“Hey!”

Before I could do anything, she grabbed my arms and dragged me over to the chair.

“Hey, let me go!” I struggled.

“No, sweetie, I can't do that.”

“Why?”

She didn't answer. She picked me up and placed me in the chair. She reached in the shelf next to her and grabbed the rope.

“LET ME GO!”

“Sweetie, no. I must do this.”

“WHY?”

               She held me down and tied me to the chair.

“Come on…” She took her blouse off.

“Uh…?”

She reached back and I heard a SNAP!

“I think I hear my dumbass friend outside, so if you will kindly untie me..”

“You’re not going anywhere,” she said and took her bra off. She jiggles her breasts. “How do you like these?”

“They're sexy., now, can you untie me?”

“No, silly, I haven't spoken the Chant of the Chubacabras yet.”

“What?!”

“Oh, great one, the sun'll come out tomorrow. But awaken from your deep sleep… and feast upon my offer.”

A portal opened on top of the couch. The portal glowed red as two creatures that looked sorta like nightmarish kangaroos stepped out. They each had four horns: two in the hands and two in the feet, and long teeth that looked sharp enough to kill goats… and me.

I screamed as they snarled, eyeing me hungrily. “Wait, don’t Chupacabras suck goats?”

“Yeah, but I convinced them to eat humans.”

“Why?”

“I was bored.”

“Bored?!” I repeated. “YOU’RE INSANE!”

“Aww, that’s so sweet of you today; you’re a good boyfriend!”

“A good boyfriend about to be sacrificed? Wait, this is all a joke, isn’t it? You got me, Kevin, come on out, you sick bastard!”

“Sweetie, he’s not here.”

“Of course he is! I can smell his bad jokes.”

“No, really. It's just you and me.” The solemn expression on her face made my heart stop. Plus there was no denying the nightmare creatures I had just witnessed appearing out of nowhere.

I was going to die.

The Chupacabra on the right vanished.

“Figures… just can't commit himself because he has a family.” Lizzie rolled her eyes. “Oh, well, at least you're still loyal to me.” A sweet smile spread on her face. “Now, KILL HIM!”

My chest pounded from horror as I struggled to free myself. “Nice Chupacabra… You don't wanna eat me; I have high cholesterol!” the beast, kept creeping towards me. “My blood is bad. I have eczema. My leg is turning green. I HAVE THE PLAGUE!” None of my excuses worked. The Chubracabra growled and licked its lips.

“She's gonna tear you apart; it’s no use.”

Wait! She?

I looked into her kind monstrous eyes. “Why, I just noticed you have beautiful blue eyes!”

The Chupacabra stopped.

“They're like pools of ocean.” OK, maybe I wasn’t the best at love similes, but I was trying.

It uttered a whine that seemed to say, “Really?”

“What’s going on?!”Lizzy demanded

“And your little wet nose is so cute!”

Her furry face seemed to become a little red.

               “I ordered you to kill him!” Lizzy said and kicked the poor beast.

The Chubacabra yelped and spun around, knocking books off of the coffee table with her              face and uttered a loud growl.

“Oh, yeah?... well, no goats for you for one month!”

The Chupacabra roared.

“Two months then!”

“HEY!    Leave my girlfriend alone!”

“Awwk, you do love me

“Not you, psycho!” I said… and grabbed the Chupacabra's furry paw. “Her.”

“I thought this would happen.”

“Huh?”

She looked at the Chupacabra. “You just couldn't have any man, could you?”

The Chupacabra looked away and snorted.

“Don’t you get that way.”

The portal opened and the Chupacabra held her paw out. I smiled and grabbed it.

We both smiled as we walked into the portal.