Childish Matters.

TW: bullying, slurs

Two years had passed since the extinction of the virus. Yet here I was. In the principal’s office. Captive so as to narrate the events of the previous Sunday night. 

“You Chinese f-ck,”. All windows were sealed shut, yet a wind of bewilderment managed to blow me straight in the face. All the remarks I had heard till now; all the “go back to China”s’ in the bathroom stalls and all the hostile leers I would constantly receive in cafes and supermarkets; they had never succeeded at  bringing about my incredulity. Having grown up as a “ching chong ” little boy during the pandemic , I was more than aware of the cruelty uneducated human beings have the potential of letting loose into the air along with each and every breath they release.Yet coming out of the principal’s mouth? These words suddenly seemed to transform into heart-burning flames, firing through an opened and fervent furnace. “You should have known better than to attend that party. Didn’t it seem suspicious to you that you were the only .. wide-eyed there?” The latter even stinged.

My eyes must have froze somewhere in between his shirt’s two huge blue collar buttons, resulting in his uncomfortable back and forth movement. “ Mr. Douglas, are you really suggesting this is my fault? When it was them who actually organized this so.. ill minded prank?”. My heart was pounding immensely, like it was warning me of an overflow of emotion that was soon to come. I gulped, in hopes that along with my saliva I would also swallow the tears and pain.

He must have realized that, for his sturdy voice softened: “ I didn’t say it was your fault.. I’m just saying you could have avoided all of this by not going to the party and staying in your dorm. There are ,after all ,guidelines for students of your kind. In any case, don’t worry. The rest of your classmates will be forced to undertake community work for the whole following week. You can rest assur..”

Suddenly, his voice started to sound clogged; as if I had just taken a deep dive and my ears had become plugged with water. 

Anything else that he might have said I didn’t hear. My mind lurched away from the reality and revisited the events of the previous night in the lake. 

I remember thinking for a moment that acceptance was finally being conferred on me. When handing me the invitation, Lisa had seemed so sincere. Her teasing had generally ceased to be as far reaching as it was during the pandemic.Moreover, we had begun engaging ourselves in inconsequential chatter in between our shared English Lit. lectures. Hence,  when she greeted me upon my arrival at that party, I truly believed that a genuine friendship was quivering on the horizon.

She handed me one of those cherry red beer glasses and piloted me to a table surrounded by a swirl of people. The vitality radiating from the youth was so immense that the whole lake seem to ring full of it. We played beer pong for about an hour and even though I sucked at it, as it was a game till then unknown for me, I was genuinely enjoying myself. And I was simultaneously feeling a heart warming relation to the sun; despite my origins making me so different and distinct, I was ultimately fitting in. So it figures that when I heard Lisa’s shrill voice vocalizing her desire of me joining her to a helping of some smorgasbords at the lavish buffet across, I jovially accepted it. At that moment I was a little tipsy; I didn’t  notice the innumerable pair of eyes that were falling on us as we sauntered across;I didn’t notice them even though they must have fell upon us like the lens of a projector lighting up a theater stage. Nor did I notice the leers, nor the sneers of their playful eyes. I did however wonder a bit for the sudden convocation that was forming around me. I was nevertheless too pure. Too naive to understand. And I was unaware of the urgency of my understanding; I raised a small sandwich at the height of my lips and let it slip onto my mouth. Not a second later than a crunchy sound was made, did everyone burst into laughter. I spat the sandwich at the florid tissue that I had picked up along with it, startled by its gruesome taste; and I  at last realized that the inside of the sandwich consisted of crickets and grasser-hopers.

Are you aware of the conjecture concerning the reason behind people‘s inability to remember their younger years? It is said to be because of the embarrassment they feel while adjusting to life. Well, for me the same thing must have applied for that cold and horrendous night. Because the rest of it is a complete blur. 

The sharp and peremptory scream of the old fashioned telephone sitting at the principal’s desk lurched me back into reality. Dazzled by the extent of my absent-mindedness, I forced my brain to return to my seated body. 

“Good afternoon Mrs. Morris. Yes, yes of course, I’ll be right there” uttered the principal in his ordinary and formal manner. 

He clumsily put the telephone back in its place and simultaneously buoyed up as a balloon. “Well, kid, I’m glad we got this sorted out and that there will be no further trouble. No need to perplex your parents in such a childish matter. I need to go now, so you can see yourself out. Im certain that after our discussion you’ll try not to stray too far away from your comfort and you’ll keep out of trouble.”

I stood up and headed for the door. I saw myself out of the office and was ready to seal the door closed, when the air slipped outside of the office and carried some last words the principal had to say: 

“Oh, and don’t forget to see the university’s psychologist.”

My dorm wasn’t that far away from that frivolous office. I only had to hurry through two flights of stairs and walk five feet to find myself back in my so comforting ,yet so desolate, dorm. I was almost there when i saw Lisa dressed in athletic attire exiting her own dorm, just two doors over mine. 

She saw me. I tried to speak to her, but she wouldn’t even look me in the eyes. She trotted to the staircase with such a hurry that the sound of her footsteps reminded of the heavy rain falling outside in the ground. 

Languid, i uttered a fading sigh and entered my solacing shelter. I had left the window open and found some of the rain lying upon the wooden floor. I hastily approached it with the intention of sealing it shut. I really wanted to avoid the further unrest of mopping on such an already strenuous day . But the nearer I came to the window, the harder it became for me to close it off. 

I soon found myself riding the window shelf. The rain was so heavy that it clutched on my leggings as if it was solid matter. And it started to  alarmingly weigh me down towards nothingness. I wasn’t sure that I wanted to escape the imminent threat of death.

Then my beloved mother came into my mind. And suddenly, any suicidal thought that I might have had until then, vanished completely; I could never do that to her.. I decisively raised my leg up to the level of the small panoramic windowpane in order to bring it back into were it belonged. I decided that I wouldn’t let anyone dictate the worth of my existence. But it didn’t matter what I had decided. For all it mattered, the little hook on the pipe outside the window had already decided my fate. I remember looking at my bed stand and then straight up at the sky.