A tale of living reflections

Have you ever thought about what it would be like if you saw your true self? Believe it or not, I actually lived it. It all started with Gerry, a homeless guy that talked to me about metaphysics one time. I just gave him a beer and he gave me the key to my deepest, truest self.

To put it simply, Gerry was an adept of metaphysics, a branch of philosophy that explores the very first principle of things. Think something like ancient knowledge. The core principle of any given thing. Apparently, all of us humans already know the explanation for absolutely everything but we lost the knowledge as we evolved (or regressed). He asked me what I wanted to know, and I told him that I would like to know my true self. He said that I already knew and he dared me to stand in front of the mirror, look into my own eyes, and wait.

I didn’t give it much thought but a couple of days later, I was home alone and thought it would be a fun idea to try. But first, a little bit about me. I’m a 35-year-old woman and I’m a successful marketing manager who lives in a luxury apartment at the heart of the city. I’ve had the same boyfriend for 8 years, Patrick, a nice finance guy. In my spare time, I go out to the restaurant with friends, go to art shows, gallery openings and the occasional book launching fancy party. All my life I’ve worked hard to be who I am today. I pride myself on being a very righteous and moral person. Everyone loves me.

So I went to the bathroom, looked at myself directly in the eyes and of course I saw the same face I always see. Five minutes, ten minutes, thirty minutes. I thought either I was enjoying looking at myself too much or maybe deep down I hoped the homeless guy was right. The longer I kept staring the weirder my features seemed to become. My eyes seemed sunken but with a kind of a malicious look, wrinkles appeared on the corner of my eyes, my lips got thinner and my cheekbones were more prominent. I kept thinking about how deep down maybe my true self was ugly. The face that was reflecting me was me, but trashy looking. I suddenly jumped when I heard the door open and it was my boyfriend who just came back from work late, as always. I went to greet him and basically everything went back to normal.

That night, I kept imagining the face that was staring at me. I couldn’t sleep and I went locking myself into the bathroom and stared at my own reflection. Ten, fifteen, thirty minutes passed. I looked away and when I locked eyes with myself in the mirror again, I was definitely seeing this trashy version of myself that I saw earlier. I started to sweat from anxiety and I said ‘’Who are you’’?

The wretched face in the mirror whispered ‘’I’m your true self. The shady woman you’ve been denying all your life. If you come with me I’ll show you real fun’’. She proceeded to smile to flash her yellow teeth, and all her wrinkles became more prominent. Her hair was dirty, long and frazzled and her eyes had the shimmer of a crazy person. I took a step back, held my breath and sat on the toilet, head between my hands. Show me some real fun? I was as intrigued as I was terrified. I went back to bed and found comfort in the familiarity of my long-term boyfriend.

At work the next day, I was having a harder time than usual containing my emotions. I became an expert at bottling up and smiling even when I felt like the opposite, but something definitely changed. When I went home, I went straight to the mirror and waited. I was ready to communicate with old hag me. When I finally started to saw my face decay, I jumped in: ‘’What do you mean if I come with you you’ll show me some real fun?’’ The reflection let out a dry, smoker-like laugh. She held her hand through the mirror for me to grab. As I grabbed her hand, I got sucked in and ended up on the other side of my bathroom. Everything was exactly the same as on my side, but reversed. My trashy twin stood there and scanned me from head to toe. ‘’How does it feel to live your whole life with this fake nice personality you created?’’ I replied that’s what everyone does, no? All my life I thought everyone was just fake nice because that’s what society tells us to. She explained to me that she was in fact my true self, and that in this side of the mirror I could be free to do and say whatever I want. No consequences. I just needed to go back in time to my real side before anyone notice I’m gone.

‘’You still have a few hours left before your boyfriend arrives. What crazy ass thing do you want to try?’’. To be honest, I always wanted to try to snoop into my boyfriend’s computer. I sat down at the desk and screened the computer for weird porn or an email from a mistress and there was nothing. I have to admit I was deceived, because it would have given me a reason to finally break up with him and put the blame on him. True self looked at me and asked me if I had a crush on the neighbor, and why not knock at his door and bang him? To be honest, I deeply wanted to for a long time. I knocked on his door, and I asked if I could enter for a drink. You know the rest. I felt a wave of proudness overwhelming my body. I’ve been wanting to do this for so long. With no consequences! When I returned to my apartment, my true self was sipping a scotch and smoking a cigarette. She was clearly enjoying herself. Like I should, actually. ‘’Time to go back!’’ She said. I went to the bathroom, faced the mirror and put my hand through it. In a suction motion, I was back there where I’ve always been. And my boyfriend arrived home.

The next day at work, I went to the single bathroom with a mirror to try if I could go to the other side from there. As I was gazing into my eyes, my wild self appeared. I switched and ended up on the same work bathroom, with everything reversed. I looked at my other self and she gave me an approving nod. Showtime! I knocked the bathroom door open and went directly to my boss’s office. He was sitting with his feet on the desk and I blurted ‘’You fat fucking incompetent piece of lard, get your dirty gross feet down the desk and start doing your fucking job!’’ And then I went on a rant on about fifteen people, shouting all the mean truths I ever thought about each one of them. I ended up with a big finale, jumping on a desk and screaming I QUIT! When I was done, I went back to the single bathroom and came back to my real workplace, cool, calm and collected.

So I could do this everywhere there was a mirror…Or anytime I’m home alone. Which is a lot. The upcoming weekend, my boyfriend was going on a weekend ski trip with his friends and I couldn’t have been more excited. A whole weekend to go to my true self world. I switched sides, and my old hag of a self was waiting for me with a bottle of vodka and a bag of coke at 9 AM. How could she know I always wanted to try coke? Oh, of course she knows, she’s the true me! We proceeded to get shots and do lines, and I was pumped to go outside and live dangerously.

As I put a foot on the pavement, I saw a mom with her three kids who were screaming hysterically. I looked at true self and asked her ‘’I can do REALLY what I feel like doing, no repercussions?’’ She replied ‘’Absolutely, you little bitch!’’. I walked towards the kids and slapped one in the face, kicked one in the stomach and pushed the other against the wall. What a fucking RELIEF! My true self couldn’t contain her excitement and started shaking one of the little crying twats by the shoulders vigorously. Next thing I know we were at the mall shoplifting luxury items, grabbing food under the nose of the people who were eating, shouting at fat people how disgusting they were and hitting on married men.

It was truly the most perfect day of my life, and I felt like I was truly myself for once. But it was only the beginning of the evening. So much more chaos to raise! We went back to my apartment, changed into the sluttiest clothes, did more coke, drank more shots and went hunting. I told my true self there was something I always wanted to do, and it was to hang out with criminals. There was a Hell’s Angels bar not that far, and I never dared thought about setting a foot in there, but here we were. Two coked-out drunk sluts looking for a bad guy. When we entered it was like another world. Hell’s Angels logos and vests on the walls, tall muscular guys with long hair and big mustaches drinking pitchers of beer and laughing loudly, hooker-like girls dressed like us…It felt like home. Me and true self went straight to the dancefloor, shamelessly showing our sluttiest moves. Three menacing but exciting-looking men approached us and we danced and switched guys for a good half an hour.

We went out to smoke a cigarette (I discovered I LOVE smoking) and we had a chat with the big guys. They were having a party at their place, a condo in the most expensive building downtown. Oh hell yes. So we followed them and when we entered the place it was like in the movies. Floor to wall windows, crystal chandeliers, a goddamn piano, huge pieces of art on the wall…There was other people there, all of the same kind, and girls that were looking slutty like us. One of the guys offered us Veuve Cliquot champagne and took out a huge pack of coke and laid it on the table. ‘’For everyone!’’ The guy said ‘’Open your noses bitches it’s gonna snow!’’ It was a real coke fest. Music was blasting and some of us were all dancing in the huge living room, some were busy in the bedrooms, and I ended up making out with a 6’3 handsome dark-haired mustachioed man. I was in my own trashy heaven. What would my stuck-up boring boyfriend would say about that? I started laughing because I didn’t even care.

When the sun came up my true self grabbed me by the arm and told me it was time to go. My man of the night didn’t want me to leave and left me his phone number. And he said ‘’no matter where you are I will find you’’. A little weird as a goodbye but damn, we were really high. We left and went back to my apartment, laughing in the street all the way while walking wobbly. I ran into Gerry, the homeless guy who made it all possible. I hugged him and told him he was a genius. He looked at me straight in the eyes without blinking. His eyes became dark, scary even, and he told me this:

‘’My name is not Gerry. I’m Satan and you’re fucked. You wanted to know who your true self was? Well now you know. And there’s no going back. You cheated on your boyfriend, you lost your job in the most embarrassing way, you have a crazy gang member on your back but that’s the price to pay for being the real you. The real you will always have the last word from now on. Everywhere you go, whatever you do, your real self is going to take over. You belong to this side. My side.’’

And that’s what happened. A few years later, after a string of bad and even worse decisions, I got what I deserved. As I’m begging for change on the street, a nice guy offered me a beer. I talked to him about metaphysics and asked him what he wanted to know…