I committed my first petty theft at the tender old age of 6. My grandmother’s purse was sitting on her dresser just beckoning me to get some change so that I could send my wayward older sister Cindy to the candy store. It was close between the two of us who would have the title of black sheep of the family.

When she ran away from home at the age of 13 to join the circus. Well that’s what the family was led to believe, but I knew better and why. She was pregnant and a shame and went to live with her 44 year old boyfriend and his understanding submissive wife Claire. Whom couldn’t bare children?

Now at 8 years old I reigned black sheep of the family supreme.

You see, I come from a large family. There were 14 of us in all. That wasn’t to mention my two sets of Grand Parents totaling 18 human beings and an alcoholic drunk greedy dog named Stroh’s Beer. I believe that dog drank more than my father or he was a close second.

It really wasn’t easy sleeping on the floor besides 6 funky older well discipline and well-mannered brothers.

For me stealing and taking from anyone and everybody was natural. I did not discriminate. I stole from everyone in the home, the neighbors, every store in town, I even stole money from the church tithe and those envelope filled from impious and blasphemous people who partied on Saturday and asked God for redemption on Sunday. I stole from friends, grabbed old ladies purses in broad daylight. I loved taking change from the blind man’s hat as he played the guitar in front of Wal-Mart and yes I stole candy from babies on or after Halloween Day.

I ranked well above the rank of being a juvenile delinquent. Meaning my crimes didn’t fit into the criterion of committing age-related crimes such as those minors staying out past curfew or truancy (continued failure to attend school). My Juvenile crimes didn’t range from status offenses (such as underage smoking), to property and violent crimes.

I robbed my first and last bank at 13 and a half years old. The news lady led with a breaking story that the PNC Bank on Elm Street, was robbed on Friday morning by a daring bank robber. Although later analysis of the WGTV footage clearly showed the robber, nobody in the bank saw the robber and the vast majority of people watching the WGTV footage didn't see me the bank-robber either, until I was pointed out. "We believe that we are dealing with a psychological criminal," said Detective in Charge, DI Sylvester Walker. "Somebody who knows his or her, way around a psychology case study. They probably know the background to Pavlov's Dogs. I always thought that Pavlov's Dogs was a 1970s progressive rock / AOR band formed in St. Louis, Missouri in 1972.

It went on to add that the bank robber  probably intimate with his or her inner ego. I still don’t know what was meant be imitating my ego.

The anchor lady stressed that "The criminal that the police are searching for robbed the bank while wearing a gorilla suit. "The suit effectively made the criminal invisible," said Walker. "Countless psychological studies have shown that somebody running across the field of view wearing a gorilla suit will not be seen by over ninety percent of the observers. Even observant observes will not observe the obvious." Man runs past in a gorilla suit.

I’m thinking to myself after listening to that ridiculous theory or analyzation what if I had decided to rob that bank butt naked, would anyone had noticed me. Now you know in real life if you seen a gorilla running down the street with a bank money bag you’d definitely notice.

Detective Walker must have truly believed that I was some clever criminal that has used that remarkable facet of the human psyche to be blinded by wearing a gorilla suit to rob the PNC Bank in broad daylight with hundreds of people around.  He stated to all who would listen that we believe that the bank robber deliberately targeted the bank when it was at its busiest because the more people who were watching, the more invisible he was," said Detective Walker. I was a freakin kid with no common sense or respect for anyone or anybody’s property.

The pretty newscaster then stated that the Police have issued a description of the person they wish to question. "He is tall or short or of medium build, with broad shoulders that could be narrow or medium," said Walker."  I was 5’ 3” and weighed 118 pounds soak and wet. I could barely see the teller. And he or she or person of indeterminate gender, is wearing a gorilla suit. We would ask members of the public that if they see a person in a gorilla suit that they contact us immediately. However, due to the invisibility of people in gorilla suits, we believe that this is one crime that will go unpunished."

After listening to the unbelievable and misinformed telecast I decided to commit a different kind of crime so that it wouldn’t receive worldwide attention especially on social media. The simple fact of the matter it was Halloween Day. What they failed or purposely omitted to report was the fact that the gorilla bank robber only got away with $11,390.

After I broke into a Best Buy and loaded up the stolen van I borrowed from a neighbor with all the computer equipment I would ever need to hack into other people’s personal e-mail accounts, it was on like donkey kong as the used to say.

Of all the cybercrimes one could commit such as Doxing that is releasing personal information without their permission, Harvesting being able to collect account or account-related information on other people, Illegal Sales like buying or selling illicit goods online, including drugs, guns and psychotropic substances and performing IPR Violations in which truly got my attention to be able to steal intellectual property rights violation is any infringement of another's Copyright, patent or trademark.

I settled upon Salami Slicing in which involves a series of many small actions, often performed by clandestine means, that as an accumulated whole produces a much larger action or result that would be difficult or unlawful to perform all at once. The term is typically used pejoratively. Although Salami Slicing is often used to carry out illegal activities, it is only a strategy for gaining an advantage over time by accumulating it in small increments, so it can be used in legal ways as well. For example, I used a deposit verification loophole in E-Trade and Schwab to siphon off more than $150,000 from many unsuspecting online brokers.

In 8 years I was able to accumulate over 13 million dollars. With the money I swindled from unwilling participants I was able to build my family a huge house in the suburbs. Helped 5 of my siblings to achieve educational goals and career achievements. I even paid back the blind vet.

As fate or karma or whatever it’s called, caught up with me. I finally got caught for my transgressions and thievery. After the verdict of my presumed innocence. I was sentenced to 44 years in a Federal Penitentiary.

In my 3rd year of incarceration my family finally excepted me for the man I had become. I know this may sound redundant or sacrilegious but I found God that year. Today with the help of the lord almighty I have mass appreciation for my family. Who have always been supportive of my Dick Dastardly deeds?

November 21, 2020 13:18

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