Conundrum

A moment lived is a moment loved. We don’t think about past memories as children. We simply live it. It was as present as we could have ever gotten. Now, I catch myself staring out the bus’s window, feeling the clutches of anxiety in my chest, its fingers tightening around my rapidly beating heart. Why was I feeling this way? I simply did not know. Somewhere along the way, the world’s pressures started to rest its burdens on my shoulders and I simply could not shake them off. My eyes trace the droplets of condensation on the glass, as I sink into my thoughts. Being too much in your head sucks, I thought to myself.

It was a cool evening, and the breeze seemed to help clear my head of muddled thoughts just a little. Walking the five minutes to my apartment from the bus stop, I unlocked my door and stepped into the mess I had created this morning before leaving for work. Clothes strewn haphazardly on the couch, laundry still in the basket, bed unmade. Yesterday’s coffee mugs sat on the table, coffee stains lining the rim of the mugs. The room smelt musty. With the stress of work and having to meet deadlines, I had let myself go, and my environment was very telling of how my internal world was currently. I needed to do something before I went spiralling even further. I set my things down after assessing my space for a couple of seconds, and walked the short distance to the living room. Grabbing my notebook and a pen, I pulled out a chair at the dining table, and decided to do some mental vomiting. There were too many thoughts, words, monologues, floating through that limited brain cavity of mine and I needed to spill them out.

06.06.2025

Jeslin, it’s been another of one of those days.

Fashion has been my life for as long as I can remember. I used to think my life would be exactly like the movies, all glitz and glamour, coffee runs and opportunities. Just the world at my feet. But it has been nothing like that. I’ve accepted it. I think. But a part of me longs for stability in how I feel about my profession, about the industry I’ve chosen to slog away at. It has been nothing but disappointment so far. The thoughts that linger, they get heavier by the second. They weigh me down even before I can get the full grasp of what I’m actually feeling. Is it my idiotic boss who doesn’t appreciate what I bring to the table? Is it my colleagues who don’t see me as their equal?

I really don’t know. I feel…stuck? This is the lifestyle I wanted to live. There is no backup plan. But the way things are going, I honestly feel like I am forced to think about an alternative. I don’t know if I’ve made the right decision. I don’t feel like I belong. Casey says if I can’t handle the stress then just walk right out because she has no time to molly coddle me. As if I’m asking her to! I just asked for some understanding in giving me such a tight deadline to deliver the sketches for the new haute couture! She’s seriously asking for the sun and the moon! Now, I have to pull an all-nighter and finish everything up because Casey will start blowing her top tomorrow if she doesn’t see the final sketches by 8-fricking-AM. I have so many other tasks to complete and I am up to my neck with deliverables and no one to cover for me. It’s an absolute shit show!

Seeing the words written down to my most-immediate worries felt overwhelming. I closed my diary. The mental vomit wasn’t helping one bit. It just made me dread the evening even more. I had more work to do and no winding down at all. I had to get started.

I also had no time to cook today, an activity that helped calm my nerves. Gotta uber then. Food was my way of reminiscing about easier, happier memories, especially when I got homesick. Moving to New York alone was daunting in itself, but being faced with so many challenges all at once made it unbearable. Being able to taste something familiar helped me cope with the misery of adulting. I usually cooked because cooking helped me to forget about my troubles, just for a while, and enjoy the process of doing something I genuinely loved and thought I was good at. Everyone liked my cooking back home. It warmed my heart to see the smiles on their faces. Now I cooked to safeguard my sanity. Life was weird that way. I ordered in some Korean food for dinner, because it reminded me of my friends, and happier times at home in Singapore – Naengmyeon, hotteok and iced pear juice to wash it all down – before getting started for the evening.

08.06.2025

Jeslin, as if things could not get worse;

Sam called it quits with me today. Today – the day of our 5th anniversary. I had to ask him if he was planning it because how the hell could anyone in their right mind have chosen to do something like this? Unless they wanted to hurt that person (that they once loved with their whole being, mind you!) to the core. I think that’s what he wanted to do. He told me that he had enough of waiting for me, on me. I was mad furious! I asked him what he meant by that. He simply told me that I was married to my work and I had no time for him. He had waited 5 years for me and now he has lost his desire to be with me at all.

I can’t seem to accept it. Everything was fine, right? We were talking fine, talking about things fine, laughing and sharing about our lives fine… everything was FINE! Unless... I was so consumed by my own worries about work and my own life that I didn’t realise the bets he was making towards me. Was it really that obvious? Was I THAT blind?

I thought I could trust him enough to be my anchor...he just broke my heart.

It absolutely broke me that I had to clock in to work when I felt like my whole world was falling apart around and into me. Every time I was alone at work, I felt the tears threatening to spill out of my eyes. It was as if a ball was stuck at the base of my throat. Nothing I did made it go away. I could not eat, or drink, or focus on anything. I felt empty. But it didn’t matter. Nobody asked me if I was alright. They noticed something was off, but decided it was probably too much of a hassle to ask anyways. They whispered to each other instead, wondering why I was so off-putting. Why would they when they barely knew me? I was just another girl in the department, struggling to fit in, dying to be liked and accepted by her peers and colleagues, who could not care less, working under a boss who disregarded everything she had to say and contribute.

09.06.2025

Jeslin, everything sank in today.

I called mum. She listened to me on the phone. She understands my pain. She told me to quit my job. That’s been on my mind a lot recently. What’s the point of all of this? I AM miserable, aren’t I? Nothing is holding me back here anymore. Sam’s left me too. I once loved this place but it’s not the same place anymore. The meaning it holds… its different. I’ve outgrown that version of who I was. I think it’ll make more sense if I took some time off to evaluate what I want out of my life, instead of me aimlessly trying to ride out the waves, waiting for the storm to pass. It’s been exhausting, don’t you think? I think I want to go back home for a bit and see my friends and family, you know? Find my footing again.

I’ll sleep on this…

“Your work is once again sub-par! Did you think I would appreciate this?” Casey throws my sketches and notes against the hardwood floor. She turns to face the window overlooking the metropolitan city. After a pause, she speaks, notches softer. “I must say, I’m disappointed. You’re a let-down, through and through. When I first hired you, you seemed to have potential. Whatever glimmer of hope you had promised then, its gone now. Your work is atrocious.” I felt my breath hitch in my throat. Every ounce of confidence I had evaporated. Her words shattered me to my core. Was my work really that bad? I glanced at my sketches, through the tears in my eyes. They didn’t look horrible. I really didn’t know what Casey was seeing that I wasn’t. I stood rooted to my spot. I really didn’t know what to say. “Just leave. Seeing you makes me nauseous.” Casey click-clacked her way out of the office. I caught from the corner of my eye, other colleagues looking in my direction, wondering what the commotion was about. My face burned red with embarrassment. Everyone would have seen and heard what had happened. Why won’t the floor just open up and swallow me up already!

It took everything in me to gather my sketches, notes and documents, before hurriedly walking back to my room. I could not go on like this. It was time.

12.06.2025

Jeslin, I resigned today. But not without drama.

Casey berating me was my last straw. Her words to me were contemptuous. It was absolutely horrid. I had my resignation letter in my bag, I just was not sure when was the best time to hand it in. But after yesterday’s ordeal with her, I walked straight to HR, and threw the letter in their faces. I had had enough. You should have seen the look on their faces. Stunned is an understatement. No one has ever in the history of this firm, ever, done such a thing, apparently. Whether what I did was good or not, I really don’t care. I did what I had to do.

Casey came to see me shortly after. I was looking at flight tickets to book to fly back home. I had no mood to do any work. She asked me why the sudden desire to leave. I literally had to stare at her in disbelief. The audacity! She put me through hell! Her minions at work didn’t care if I lived or died! This was discrimination, and she had the chic to ask me WHY?! I told her that I had had enough of her putting me down. My desire was to learn, and she crushed it every single time. Every. Single. Time. She shot back and me, calling me a wuss, and that I was soft. That I didn’t have the calibre or material to withstand surviving in this industry. She called HR and requested for immediate termination of my employment and to compensate me monetarily instead. Her exact words “I took you in out of pity, but I want you out of here in the next hour. You hear me. In the NEXT HOUR!” I could not believe my ears. She had issues! How could she treat an employee like this? The unprofessionalism!

But she did not have to tell me a third time. In fact, I was out in 30 minutes. It was quick. No goodbyes, nothing. I tapped my employee card out, returned it at the lobby, walked out, and took one last look back, before heading to my apartment to pack up and leave town. I was done. Absolutely done.

10.07.2025

Hello Jeslin!

This is the first time I actually started an entry with “Hello”. So you know, I must be doing much better. I’m back home in Singapore. Taking a break. Boy, this feels like heaven to me. I didn’t realise the extent to which I missed my friends and family until I flew back and landed. I was a wreck. Literally.

I’m feeling so much better now. I have gained so much clarity too from my time in New York. I did some reflecting and realised that I still do have passion for fashion and New York is still a place a want to go back to at some point. It does hold fond memories for me, which got clouded by traumatic experiences at my old workplace. I’ll be working in Singapore for now but New York will still be an option for me. I want to change the narrative. But one day, when I get the courage to go back.

Sam and I are no longer in contact – as expected. He contacted me once two weeks ago to say that he is engaged to a childhood friend of his and he thanked me for all the good memories. He blocked me on everything before I even had a chance to reply. Oh wells, what can I say. It hurt but not as badly as I thought. On the bright side, I can date again! So, that’s something!

Oh! And I forgot to mention to you, Casey has been hauled in for an internal investigation. Apparently, after I left, several others also threw in their letters of resignation. Because there was unprovoked mass resignation all of a sudden, HR called for an internal investigation as they found it weird. Casey’s professionalism was questioned several times. She’s been named the industry bully as well. I did not expect this at all but I guess karma does go around. She really needs help.

Well, that’s it for now. Still rebuilding my life as it comes.

I clicked my pen and closed my diary. I felt a deep sense of peace, which I had not for the longest time. Residual feelings of anxiety still linger during some sleepless nights, but I remind myself that I no longer have to wake up to the crushing feeling of loneliness and failure, day in and day out. I can start believing in myself again. One’s invalidating words does not have to hold truth. How I see myself, even in these storms, is what matters. I look out the window and enjoy the warm sunlight on my face, sipping on my tea. Oh, how I’d missed these simple pleasures life had to offer.