Car Play

“In one kilometre, at the roundabout, take the third exit.”

“So, you’re still awake Siri. You haven’t had much to say for the last hundred odd Ks.”

Adam Ford is a sixty-year-old sales representative based in the small Murray River border town of Piangil near Swan Hill, Victorian side. He is a seasoned traveller, making fortnightly trips to the Melbourne head office of the agricultural equipment supplier for whom he has dedicated the best part of ten years’ loyal service.

This trip is personal. Adam has a pivotal meeting in Dandenong, so important he has entrusted the navigation to his loyal journeying companion, Siri.

“Continue on M79 for sixty-three kilometres.”

Adam was in cruise mode with Siri’s selection of country rock music, making short work of the previous 170 kilometres of the Muray Valley Highway through the Mallee south to the madcap Melbourne metropolis.

“Hey Siri, what’s the weather going to be in Melbourne today?”

“Should be cool and sunny in Melbourne this morning, then warm this afternoon with possible thunderstorms.”

Adam wondered why he even asked, but he’s sure Siri enjoyed the opportunity to predict four seasons in one day in Melbourne.

“In one kilometre, at the roundabout, take the second exit onto Calder Alternative Highway.”

“Ah, there’s that bloody 80 K speed sign I missed last trip.”

As if on cue, Siri announced, “Speed camera ahead.”

Adam doesn’t understand how his guardian angel knows these things, but he appreciated the warning. Maybe it was just Siri’s way of saying, “You got booked here last time and it cost you $385 and 3 demerit points. Don’t get caught again!”

“In one kilometre take the slip road onto the Calder Freeway toward Melbourne and Castlemaine.”

Adam remembers how treacherous the access to the freeway was in the eighties. On more than one occasion he came close to adding his name to the terrible list of casualties surprised by the abrupt tee intersection. Brake too late and if the motorized metal missiles missed you, the ghost gums across the way would surely welcome a momentary stop on your way to your maker.

Safely onto the freeway, Siri casually informed Adam, “In 135 kilometres take Exit 1E to merge onto Westgate Freeway towards South-East suburbs.”

“Siri, what’s the traffic like on the Calder Freeway this morning?”

“Traffic is light on the Calder Freeway, and I estimate that you will reach Exit 1E in one hour and 45 minutes.” Adam admired Siri’s calm yet precise analysis of the situation.

“Siri, switch music to Rock Classics playlist.” Adam believed the upbeat rhythm would keep his reflexes in sync with the increasing traffic tempo.

At the apex of the Bolte Bridge, a suicidal motorcyclist, weaving through traffic at nose bleed speed picked a microscopic gap between Adam, in the left lane and an unsuspecting SUV driver on the right, to miraculously thrust his machine through.

“Fuck me!” Adam blurted as the screaming banshee nearly kissed his right-hand front guard in its attempted escape to eternal freedom.

“I’m sorry, I can’t do that.” Siri’s knack for relieving stressful situations can never be underestimated. Adam’s spontaneous laugh pushed the horror of the previous moment safely into the “That’ll be a good story when I get home” memory bank.

No matter how many times Adam makes the trip to the south-east suburbs the Burnley Tunnel always tests his courage. The 3.4 kilometres of artificial light and toxic exhaust fumes is never pleasant but for claustrophobic Adam it is especially stressful. Siri couldn’t resist adding to the drama with a short “Signal lost.” as they reached the midway point. Adam smiled as he replied, “Thanks for that Siri, but I really don’t think it’s going to be an issue in a one-way tunnel.”

Daylight ahead, pulse rate back to normal, and most importantly Siri’s GPS is back online.

“Stay in the left two lanes and in one kilometre take Exit 14 to Dandenong.”

“We’re getting close now and making good time” thought Adam as his freeway leg drew to a close. The final section was not familiar to Adam since his regular destination was further south, near Pakenham. But Siri will look after him.

“Use the right lane to take the slip road onto Montgommery Road, then turn left after 50 metres.”

“No worries old girl.”

“At the roundabout take the fourth exit onto Blake Avenue, then stay in the right lane.”

“OK”

“At the first set of traffic lights make a U-turn, then from the left lane turn into Gregory Street.”

“Fair enough.”

“Signal lost.”

“WHAT?! Siri, what’s going on?”

“There is no available GPS signal.”

“Fu..” No, they have already had that conversation.

“Siri, how far is it to my destination?”

“The last known distance to your destination was 8.4 kilometres.”

“So, how do I get there?” Adam gasped.

“There is no available GPS signal.”

“Siri, don’t be silly.”

Adam realized that under the circumstances he had very limited options.

He hadn’t carried a street directory since 2002 and even if he purchased one now he would struggle to use it, safely.

He could stop and ask a local Samaritan for directions, which he would undoubtedly forget or mess up.

He thought about stopping and waiting for the GPS signal to return, but that was an unknown and his meeting was scheduled for 3 pm.

It was now up to Adam and his wits, since Siri was out of suggestions.

Adam decided to drive in a straight easterly direction until he found a major road that would be more likely to have reliable GPS service. Once Siri logged back on she could resume her precision navigation.

“At the next intersection, make a U-turn.”

“Cool, you’re back Siri. Don’t get angry but I’m going to head south for a while so you can recalibrate our route and we don’t end up back in that black hole.”

After ten minutes of ignoring Siri’s demands by driving straight ahead Adam took a right turn and breathed a sigh of relief when Siri muttered, “Recalibrating.”

“At the next set of lights, turn left into Donaldson Road.”

“So, this is where all the new car dealers hang out.” Adam observed. All that shiny duco, pitch black tyres and magnificent wall to wall glass showrooms was astonishing. All the stars were there. The Ford Blue Oval insignia was emblazoned on flags and walls, the prestigious BMW, Audi rings, the Mercedes Benz circled star, Porsch’s stallion shield and the Lexus “L for luxury” were all prominently displayed among a sea of automobile ostentation.

Adam smiled as he recalled the snarling woman and dog in the “Nothing can frighten a Triton” TV commercial and wished he could jump as high as the outrageously happy Toyota dude.

“Hey Siri, what’s the name of the new Kia ute?”

“The new Kia Tasman is coming soon to Australia.”

“That’s right. That was a great ad campaign, eh”

Adam was so caught up in the glitter and glamour all around him that he was startled when Siri triumphantly announced, “In 300 metres your destination will be on the left.”

“Siri, message Jonathon that Adam’s out the front.”

A minute later, “You have a message from Jonathon, ‘Hi Adam, drive in the main entrance and I’ll guide you in.’”

Six-foot tall, slim twenty-five-year-old Jonathon greeted Adam with a familiar wave and a broad smile beckoning him to follow as he swaggered down the fifty-metre polished concrete driveway. Adam shadowed Jonathon left into a brightly lit under-cover carpark where his host guided him into a free parking bay.

Adam switched off the car ignition just as Siri proudly informed him, “You have arrived.” He stepped out of the car, shook Jonathon’s hand and handed him the keys to his trusted weekend drive of the last ten years.

Jonathon ushered Adam into an opulent office where a cheerful lady probably in her early thirties, offered him a beverage. “Coffee thanks. Milk and no sugar, thank you.”

“How was your trip down?” enquired Jonathon with a broad grin of anticipation.

“Let’s just say ‘interesting’, but we made it in one piece, eh.” replied Adam.

“Shall we get the paperwork rolling?” Jonathon was keen to complete formalities with minimum fuss and maximum effect. All the documents were neatly filed in a leather compendium and clearly marked where they needed to be signed.

“Congratulations, Adam. Are you ready to embark on your next great adventure?” Jonathon stood up confidently and briskly walked to the office door, gesturing for Adam to follow.

“Let’s do this.” was Adam’s concise response.

“What do you think?”

“Absolutely stunning! Everything I could hope for.” Adam beamed. “I just want to confirm one thing.”

Jonathon’s knowing smile needed no words, but it had to be said, “Yes Adam, she is fully equipped with the top-of-the-line Alpine sound system, loaded with the latest CarPlay app.”

Adam slid easily into the plush driver’s seat, clicked the assuring seat belt, turned on the sound system and placed his iPhone lovingly into the secure cradle mounted on the front of the ample dash board.

The V8 engine sprang to life with a relatively subdued growl, and Adam grasped the walnut automatic gear shift lever.

“Hey Siri…” Adam mischievously paused. He couldn’t resist the sensuous way Siri purrs, “Mm-hmm?” as she provocatively prompts his anticipated request.

“Take us home.”

“In one kilometre, at the roundabout, take the third exit.”