Focus Layla

Focus Layla

This story contains some swearing

“Hello brain are you in there? I can’t hear you today! Did I die and not realise it?

‘Hello please say something, let me know I’m still alive please!”

I can feel the panic starting inside as time ticks by, still nothing. My head is completely silent! Quieter than a wasteland with rolling tumbleweeds.

Something is not right? Did my brain grow legs and run away in the night? I’ve never known such deafening silence in my head. Sure it’s only been a few moments, but I’m so used to having noise present. Breathe Layla breathe.

Ok now I remember! There are times like this. It’s when power-cut decides to take charge. He basically decides the system has gotten too hot and taken or taking in too much information. Overwhelm and Anxiety got to rule for too long, and they’ve worn all the brain cells out. So he has to look after my brain. Leaving it in power-save mode for a while, to let everything cool back off.

This can be anything from minutes, hours, days, weeks or months at a time.

I never really get any warning when power-cut will come along. He’s just suddenly there standing at the power switch. He flips the switch to off and waits until he’s ready to flip it back on.

For the moment it means basic functionality only, drink, toilet, move when necessary. (Talking and eating are also sometimes allowed, it just depends how hot the wiring got).

All this means is I’m currently on autopilot until my brain kicks back in. Which it will do.All at once just like every other day, once it’s rebooted itself fully.

Power-cut is in charge of all the brain silences I experience.

Oh there it is! He’s flipped it back to on. It’s buzzing straight into action, full of noise once more, almost making me wish power-cut was still in charge. I guess it was only minutes to reboot this time.

***

Most of the time, every single day, everything else in my brain has a pretty much equal battle to get a say. Hence all the noise.

At least a million bees are buzzing around my head all of the time (usually from the second I wake up on a daily basis, if I’ve managed to sleep in the first place).

Underneath the deafening buzzing of the worker bees in their buzzy factory, is the rest of my brain.

All the functions trying desperately to organise themselves, attempting to focus for the day.

There are the chatterboxes, who never shut up asking questions or coming up with new ideas for creation. Impulsivity who’s happy to jump to any fun activity without forethought.

Mesh-ball (the emotional centre who never knows how to feel, unless Anger, Anxiety or Overwhelm can convince her they are the feeling of the day that is).

Then there’s Distractor, he looks for any opportunity to take my brain off elsewhere. Even if it means time for a daydream or zone out break.

DJ is always playing something, or a few somethings on repeat. Sometimes until it drives me completely insane. However if I’m home it may set me off dancing around the room randomly to complete silence, as I bop along with DJ’s song choices in my very own silent disco.

Researcher, she’s always ready to find an answer to any of the questions the chatterboxes might ask. she’s like my brains librarian, ‘shush while I research this important information’. Which is great! unless black hole happens to be around the library.

If he’s there he tends to charm researcher into some kind of mischief. She often finds herself doom scrolling or looking up other random things to pass the time. He also leads her to social media or phone games, which gives her a lot of wasted time and she forgets what she was researching in the first place.

Time-jump has no trouble indulging researcher, distractor, black hole, DJ or impulsivity. He always believe there is plenty of time. No matter how many times he’s been proved wrong in the past. He still can’t grasp the difference between one minute, ten minutes, an hour or even 3 hours later. So every so often he just quietly reminds my brain to check the time. Which either leads to panic, checking the time but not registering it, or says “sorry looks like you’re late again!”. Though to be fair Time-Jump has on occasion actually been very early too, although that just made Anxiety take over and encourage Overwhelm to join her. (Those two are basically inseparable). Being on time however, usually gets a ‘hahaha you wish’ kind of response.

This is why Focus has a hard time being heard. She can speak a billion times a day, over and over, but it doesn’t matter how loud she speaks or how in charge she tries to be. None of the others ever want to listen to her. In fact Focus is the loudest voice in my head above the buzzy bees. Repeating herself constantly, in between thousands of unanswered questions, thoughts, songs playing, bees buzzing. Monologue likes to stick with Focus reading out at the top of his voice his instructions to all. They mostly ignore him too.

It gets so loud in there, it gives me an earache as well as a headache.

Focus or Monologue never seem to be given any respect. He’s constantly told to chill and get a life. While she’s constantly followed by Anxiety, reminding her that everyone is lost in the maze again. Still Focus keeps repeating herself hopefully ‘Focus, Focus, Focus’, remembering that at times the others do listen and she gets to keep my brain fully engaged in one singular task.

But more often, Anxiety steps in with ‘nobody is listening to you dear, maybe you should take a break. Let me and Overwhelm have a go at trying to get things done’.

A prime example of my brain at any time, would be along the lines of:

“Buzz, buuuuzzzzz, shit I’m late. Where’s my clothes, breakfast, not happening. Buzz buzz buuzzzz ‘you got me looking so crazy right now’, I need my keys, I can’t find, Focus, focus, must grab a coffee to start my, oh my! What the hell is my phone doing in the fridge? focus, buuuuzzzzzz “your love got me looking your love got me looking’ focus. My bags ready from last night, ok one shoe, where’s the other damn shoe? oh yes change the bin liner. Now , teeth clean your keys, focus, focus, oh no you’re gonna be late. Water don’t forget the, ‘Crazy right now’, Focus, aaaarrrrrgggghhhhh, shut up! Shut up! meltdown approaching, where the fuck is my other shoe?” Etc etc.

Confusion usually battles with monologue about what happens next. Getting stressed and angry with him for trying to calmly carry on with his vocal instructions. ‘The time is ten past 8, if you don’t leave now you will miss that bus and then you will be late’ Confusion might chip in with ‘ what are you on about I’m not getting a bus I’m looking for my shoe, keys, phone no bag they’re already in my bag well, apart from the shoe, I’m gonna go find the other pair I know I left them in the bedroom, sorry bathroom ugh what am I doing again?’ Monologue comes back in with ‘we were discussing how you normally get the bus, though today you’re getting a lift but need to get your shoes, from the garage where you left them last week sometime.’ On arriving at the garage he continues ‘see I told you, they were there. Now you mustn’t forget the script which goes along the lines of “Hi how are you?” “I’m good and you?” Not forgetting to add in little nutshells about the weather, football etc and you’ll do fine.”

Confusion just goes along with Monologue by this point. Still trying to remember, what she’s meant to be doing. This is one of the few times she listens to Focus, agreeing she’s right and they all need to focus on there, buzz buzzz ‘I’m bad I’m bad, when the whole world’ buuuuzzzz. Check the time ‘who’s bad, dum dum dum de dum dum dum’.

Eventually I’m able to get a coffee or four, then I can begin to separate things.

Focus makes a maze of a plan.

On trying to follow it. I end up hitting dead ends and crossing through unseen shortcuts, into another row in the maze. (Usually forgetting I was meant to stick to the row I was in for a while).

Today however! Maybe due to power-cut having been in charge first thing. Focus seems to be being listened too and I’m able to stick to the correct row in the maze. At least for the first few hours anyway. The world moving on around me, while I’m completely lost and consumed by the one task. Achievement! Someone at work distracts me from my tunnel vision, making me physically jump and say “gee, where did you come from?”.

They respond with “I didn’t mean to startle you, we’ve got that meeting downstairs in room C4.”

Anxiety is straight back in charge “ah you forgot about the meeting didn’t you?”

Monologue is back ‘ just stay calm, we have these meetings all the time. It’s just the usual stuff, who’s achieved what, etc etc’.

Lost and found might then interrupt with ‘your other shoe was by the back door remember? I know it’s a bit late and you’re wearing a different pair but at least you found it now hey?’

Cheers lost and found. I could have done with that epiphany four hours ago.

Focus has just popped back in charge to remind me of just how rude I’m being, right now.

“Yes I remember Dave. I’ll be there in a second, I just have to grab my notebook and pen”

The meeting will start off as predicted. Apologies for so and so not attending and employee of the month is etc etc. The whole time I’ll be sat there tapping my pen in my notepad, changing seat position, listening to focus telling me I need to focus over and over in between staring at the wall blankly. Maybe getting asked to sit still or forcing myself to be still with focus’s help. My brain will be back in full swing, buzzz buzzz ‘I am a rock, I am an iii-island’ Dj’s back and Distracters in charge. Taking me off to a fun and entertaining place in my head. While I can hear a voice droning on in the background far away, then suddenly it’s ‘focus focus, ‘What did I miss?” They’re all clapping, clap now, smile, nod, clap along.

“ Thank-you so much everyone for voting me as employee of the month…..”

‘Blah blah blah, so glad we managed to avoid that embarrassment again..’ Monologue is back charge taking, just keep smiling Layla, no one will notice. Distracter go away will you please, we need to focus. Focus come back here’ here. Focus Layla focus. Monologue continues on “Also don’t you think you’ve been very rude to the readers?”.

“Yes Monologue I suppose I have”.

Apologies everyone. I’ve spent so long talking about my brain, I’ve forgotten to introduce myself.

“Hello My name is Layla I’m 39 years old and late diagnosed AUDHD.

Why late? Apart from late being the story of my life. 10 days late into the world and completely time blind. It’s late diagnosed because I’ve spent my whole life masking to fit in. Trying to be someone I’m actually not, to the point that just 3 years ago I wouldn’t have had the slightest clue who I actually was.

Since diagnosis I’m gradually learning about the real me. I’m much happier than I used to be. I have struggles and issues with the world but I also have my (a)Mazing chatterbox, bee factory, researcher, black hole, time-jump, distracter, impulsivity, monologging, creative, mesh-ball, DJ, lost and found, power-cut brain. Focus, Focus, Focus Layla.

The End