Distort 3000

Hey. Testing testing. 

If you get this can you reply and tell me what time it is? 

-19.45

Hi. 

Sorry, who is this, I don’t have your number saved? 

It’s 6.45. Your message is time-stamped 7.45, your phone time’s wrong. 

-18.45

Holy shit.

No way.

I don’t believe this actually works. 

Sorry, just to be sure, is this Dave?

-19.46

Yeah, it’s Dave, who’s this?

-18.46

My phone time’s not wrong. It’s 7.45. 

This is so weird, your messages are popping into the chat up before mine, chronologically.

I have to keep scrolling back up to read them. 

Crazy!

-19.47

Lol what are you on about? Who is this? Mitch? Did you get a new phone?

-18.47

Your messages are time-stamped an hour ago.

Nope, it’s not Mitch.  

Come on, Mitch would not be nerdy enough to come up with a gag like this!

-19.47

Lorraine? Sam?

-18.47

Nope, lol. Not Alan or Keith either and that’s literally all the friends you have so who does that leave?

-19.47

Okay, I don’t actually have time for games right now, I’m meeting someone in a few minutes.

-18.48

No, you’re not. She’s not going to show. 

You’ve been stood up, you just don’t know it yet.

-19.48

What?

-18.48

Your tinder date. ‘IrishSoph84’. She ghosted you.

Which is really annoying because she seemed interested and kept a chat going all week. She’s the one who organised the date! What the hell is wrong with people? 

-19.48

Okay now I know it’s you, Mitch. How did you know who I was chatting to? 

Did you hack my phone, you dick?

-18.49

LOL. Still giving Mitch way too much credit, I don’t think I’d do that but maybe I would in your position. Go on, check Tinder. Her messages are gone. Ghosted.

-19.49

What the fuck? I don’t understand, we were supposed to be meeting at 7, she arranged it!

-18.49

Told you! Such BS. So sick of online dating, can’t trust anyone.

-19.50

Okay seriously who is this? 

-18.51

Don’t worry about her. You’re going to meet someone much more interesting, trust me.

-19.52

Oh really? Who, you? I suppose you know what bar I’m heading to?

-18.52

Mulligans. Except right now you’re in Starbucks across the road scoping it out because you’re early and don’t want to be sitting in there on your own. Also, waiting to see her arrive to make sure she’s the same as her photos and they weren’t from about ten years and twenty kilograms ago.

-19.52

Who am I talking to? Tell me now or I’m blocking you.

-18.52

LOL. That’s impossible. I am one person you definitely can’t block. 

Chance would be a fine thing.

-19.53

And why is that? What’s so special about you?

-18.53

Glad you asked. What’s special about YOU?

-19.53

Okay, bye.

-18.53

Wait! Sorry, sorry, I just wanted to have a bit of fun before dropping the bomb. 

This is just so fucked up and weird.

The reason you can’t block me is…dun dun duuunnn…I’m you, texting you from exactly one hour in the future with this weird phone thing called a Distort 3000 I got from the poor bastard you’re going to meet in Mulligans in a few minutes.

-19.54

What the fuck are you talking about? Come on, Mitch, this is ridiculous. I swear to God if you hacked my phone and unmatched me from Sophie I’ll kick your ass, man. Jesus.

-18.54

For God's sake, I’m not Mitch! I’m you. Seriously. 

You were sitting there drinking a flat white thinking up a story about a possessed old woman for this week’s writing contest, okay, how else would I know that?

I know this is fucked up. I wouldn’t know what to make of it from your end either.

I’m sitting here in the car laughing like a lunatic myself because I can’t believe this is real.

The car on Kilbrasil Street, behind the filthy van that someone wrote ‘I wish my wife was as dirty as this’ on with their finger?

-19.55

That’s my car.

-18.55

Exactly! You left it about fifteen minutes ago and I got into it about fifteen minutes ago and I’ve been playing with this phone Thatcher showed me before he ran off like he was being chased by Freddy Krueger. 

-19.55 

I don’t understand.

Thatcher?

-18.55

The drunk in the bar. I think that’s what he said his name was. 

I can see why he was freaking out now. This technology is insane.

-19.56

So it’s a phone that can text the past? 

-18.56

Yes! Text only, no audio or visual. I don’t know how it works, something to do with a temporal chip in the satellite it connects through, can send and receive. He was babbling about it like Doc in Back to the Future, how it was an accidental invention that could be dangerous in the wrong hands, all that shit.

So he stole it from work!

I’m not making this up!

-19.56

Send me a pic.

-18.56

Oh shit…guess what I just got!

A pic?

-19.56

A selfie. To prove this is real.

I’ll send one back.

What did you get?

-18.56

LOL I don’t need one back, I know where I was an hour ago. 

Here you go. 

Nothing much to see, I’m as un-photogenic as you are. 

And our car is filthy.

I just got a notification of today’s winning lotto numbers :)  

You okay? 

-19.56

I can’t get my head around this. You’re me, in my car, an hour from now?

Did we win?

-18.56

Yes, yes and yes.

And no, we didn’t win, not with the ticket we bought this morning anyway. 

You should head over to Mulligans, I went over about now. 

Don’t want to risk missing Thatcher.

-19.56

I’m really not sure I want to go down this road.

It seems risky.

Messing with time.

Marty almost ceased to exist in Back to the Future.

-18.56

That’s because his mum fell in love with him. Ugh.

You have to go in.

Could be more dangerous not to. 

What if I cease to exist? I’m your future! What happens to you then?

-19.57

I don’t know. 

Okay, this is against my better judgement but I’m heading in.

How will I know this guy?

-18.57

LOL you won’t have to, just go order a pint. He’s the only one sitting at the bar, he’ll start talking, just go along with it, even though you’ll want to run away. 

At least you won’t be anxious waiting for Sophie. 

-19.57

I feel like I’m going crazy.

-18.57

Me too. 

This is going to sound weird but a couple of Asian dudes have just come into the street here and I think they’re coming my way.

-19.57

What?

-18.57

Shit, they are. 

Oh fuck they look pissed.

I’m going to move, get into Mulligans. 

Text you in a bit.

-19.58

What? 

What’s going on, who are they?

Hello?

Fucks sake.

This has to be some kind of joke.

-18.58

Sorry, was driving.

It’s no joke. It’s actually getting deadly serious. 

Are you with Thatcher?

-20.18

Yeah. He’s a mess. Think he’s been drinking all day. I wouldn’t believe what he’s telling me if not for you. 

What’s deadly serious?

-19.19

I didn’t believe it either. I wanted to get away from him at the start but I stayed because he was someone to chat to while I was waiting for Sophie. Bitch. Probably about now I checked the app and noticed she’d unmatched.

Has anybody weird come into the bar?

-20.19

Weirder than him, talking about distort technology that can send messages back in time? Or me sitting beside him texting myself in the future? No, nobody weirder than that.

-19.21

Are you sure? Look. Something spooked him bad when I was with him. Probably a couple of yakuza-looking motherfuckers. Listen, it doesn’t matter, he’s going to show you the phone soon. Man. I really don’t know what to tell you here. My mind is racing.

-20.21

Hard to text without him seeing.

Yakuza? What? The guys from the street before?

-19.22

Yeah. This is the thing. They must know I have the phone. Maybe Thatcher told them. They ran for me when I drove off and a few minutes later a car was following me. I didn’t want to go home, kept driving around. Think I lost them. I’m in McDonalds drive thru now. Slow as always.

-20.23

What the fuck? 

So you took this guy’s phone? 

Why would you do that?

-19.24

I didn’t! He ran off like I said, so I left and when I got back to the car I noticed it was in my jacket pocket. He must have slipped it in there. I wasn’t planning to keep it. I was going to go back in and find him but then I thought I’d try it out first. Out of curiosity.

Has he got it out of the briefcase yet?

-20.26

Wish you hadn’t.

Yeah, he’s holding it now. Stupid looking thing, who’d want a round phone? 

He’s so drunk. Freaking me out talking about the fall of nations and the end of society and shit.

So he stole it from the tech company he works for.

Not sure why, he wasn’t thinking, just grabbed it while he had the chance.

But he says they’re after him now.

Why am I telling you all this, you’ve already heard it.

-19.29

Shit, they just drove by, think they saw me. I’m going to try and get home. 

Fuck fuck fuck, there’s two cars. 

They definitely see me, pulled in across the road, watching.

Damn this slow-ass drive thru.

-20.29

Don’t go home! Don’t drag mum into this!

-19.29

Shit, yeah. Okay. Shit. I’m going to head out of town. Try and lose them.

What’s happening? 

Any scary bastards come in?

-20.29

I don’t see anything. 

He’s having some kind of panic attack.

Says they’re going to kill him, he saw too much.

Everyone’s looking.

Sorry, man, I think I’m just going to leave.

-19.33

4, 7, 22, 25, 31, 36

-20.33

What?

-19.33

Don’t leave! You need to get the phone, just for a minute.

https:www/lottero.ie/play-game

Click that.

Buy a ticket with those numbers.

-20.33

I already got a ticket.

Are you texting while driving?

-19.33

Not with those numbers. 

Yeah, It’s life and death!

And this phone is easy to type on, the circular design helps, I like it.

Except for having to keep scrolling back to read your messages.

Come on, is he still there?

-20.33

Are you serious?  

-19.33

Deadline for the draw is in ten minutes. 

Has to be round about now he runs off.

Well?

Are you there?

-20.35

It’s all going down. Vodka Central just took off for the toilets like a lifetime of pukes are coming at once.

Shit, there’s a couple of Asian dudes in dark glasses following him. 

Yakuza looking motherfuckers.

-19.36

That's them, they’re still after me.

Can’t shake them.

Get out of there!

Buy the ticket!

-20.36

He slipped the phone in my pocket before he ran off, like you said.

Where are you now?

-19.37

Told you. 

I’m outside the garda station on Eastmoreland Street. Thought it might be safe but don’t know. Those fuckers want their phone, not sure going to the police will do any good.

-20.38

We’ve watched too many movies. Just go in and ask for help. Fuck this is insane.

-19.38

Yeah, maybe. 

Five minutes, get back to the car and buy the ticket!

-20.38

I can do it here. 

-19.38

No, get out of there before they realise Thatcher doesn't have the phone! Hurry!

-19.39

Okay, okay, I'm going.

-19.39

I see them again, just cruised by me slow.

They're just stalking me.

I don’t think the guards will be able to help. 

They won't believe me.

-20.40

Ticket bought. I can’t believe this is happening. 

Are those really the winning numbers?

-19.41

Yes! 

I wasn't sure if that would work but I have the confirmation in my email now!

One winner, man. We are millionaires!

-20.42

Are you shitting me?

-19.42

No shitting.

Now we just have to figure out how to live to enjoy it.

One of us anyway.

Are you in the car?

-20.43

What do you mean ‘one of us’?

Yeah, I am.

-19.43

Okay, get out of there, before they come out.

If you leave now they'll never know you exist.  

You should be safe then.

-20.43

Sounds good to me.

What about you, are you okay?

Hello?

What’s happening?

-19.48

Sorry. Had to move again. 

Thinking.

-20.49

Move where? 

You didn’t go to the guards?

-19.49

No. I told you that’s not going to help. Those guys are everywhere. 

Tried to lose them but they keep turning up.

-20.50

Jesus. 

I don’t see any. 

Looks like I got away clean.

-19.50

Lucky you. Don’t have me to thank for that or anything.

Pain in the ass finding your replies now they're mixing in chronologically with mine.

-20.50

Of course I do.

I’m at McDonalds now. Man this is messed up, you’re going to be here in half an hour my time but you can’t be, because I’m you and I'm here now and you already left. How does this even make sense? If I wait around will you turn up??

-19.50

LOL. We broke time. Idk.

I think I’m fucked. I drove to Greenan Woods. Ditched the car.

Think they did too.

Hear them coming.

Think they have me surrounded.

-20.51

Greenan Woods? 

Man, there’s nothing there, just get out of there. 

Past the tower and back down the hill, there’s a pub at the crossroads.

But you know this.

Call the guards!

Hello?

-19.53

It’s over. I got as far as the tower but they were right behind me so I had to go inside.

I’m trapped. 

I have to give myself up.

If I give them the phone, tell them I just got spooked and ran, it might be okay.

Maybe.

-20.53

I don’t think that’s a good idea.

We’ve watched too many movies, remember?

-19.54

Yeah.

But they might just take it and go. 

You’re in the clear anyway. And you’re me so…I don’t know what that means. Self sacrifice, lol.

Go home. Tell mum the good news.

Make sure she's sitting down, you know how she gets weak with excitement.

-20.54

Can you not just run?

-19.55

Can’t run.

Going.

I won’t be able to text you again so just…enjoy the winnings. For both of us.

Pick up some champagne and flowers on the way home.

To celebrate with mum.

Get the good stuff, from SuperValu on Lombard Street.

Promise?

-20.55

I promise but wait!

There has to be a way.

Are you there?

Shit.

I just got the winning lotto numbers notification.

Thanks, Dave.

And sorry. :(

-19.55

I’m the one who has to say sorry.

-21.35

Shit, you’re alive!

I was just playing with the Distort to see how to select a time to text to. Was going to try warn you. Well, me.

What happened?

-20.35

I had to make some hard decisions.

I’m really sorry.

Don't mess with that thing ok.

-21.35

What do you mean?

Yeah I know, would erase the win lol.

How are you still texting me, did you get away?

-20.35

Yeah. I got away. 

-21.35

How?? What happened, are they still after you?

I just got home. Mum’s not here. Might be next door with Mary.

Still can’t believe we won the lotto. Three million!!!

-20.36

I’m having trouble believing it myself. 

It’s messed up.

Like how I’ve been texting myself, how I'm still texting myself now.

Knowing what’s about to happen. 

I'm so sorry.

-21.36

What do you mean?

What’s going to happen?

Where are you? 

-20.36

Mum’s not with Mary, Dave. 

They’re both with me, at O’Reillys, having a celebratory drink. 

She's over the moon about the win, can't believe it.

-21.37

What? O’Reillys?

Shit, there’s somebody outside.

I think it’s the guys from the bar!

-20.37

Yeah, that’s them.

I knew they’d stake out the house after I led them to it.

-21.37 

What?

-20.38

I didn’t really go to Greenan Woods. 

And I was never at the garda station.

I had to lie, to make you think I was somewhere else. I was thinking on the fly.

Told you to go the Lombard Street Supervalu to make sure you didn't get home too soon.

-21.38

They’re trying to get in! 

There’s more out the back.

How did they find me?

What did you do?

-20.38

They’re not the guys from your timeline, Dave. 

They’re from mine.

I let them follow me home, collected mum from next door and drove to O’Reilly’s, brought Mary and Michael too. When they didn’t try to get me at McDonalds I knew they wouldn’t come after me if I was with others. I knew they’d wait to get me alone when I came back. 

-21.38

I don’t understand. 

They’re in the house!

Why?

-20.39

They saw my face, they knew I lived local, they were never going to just take the device and leave me alone. You know that. We’ve seen enough movies.

You're probably not getting these messages anymore.

They've probably got you now.

I'm sorry, Dave. One of us had to go.

But I feel like a dick.

Mum will be safe at least. And rich. The yakuza-bros from my timeline will think they got me and their phone back. The ones from your timeline never saw you so they won’t even be looking.

I think.

Hope they didn't kill you and leave your body there.

I'm sure they didn't. They clearly didn't want to draw attention to themselves.

Wonder if your car is going to be parked outside when I get home lol.

How will I explain that?

This time stuff is weird.

I guess I get to keep my Distort 3000.

But I won’t be texting any more past selves.

Way too complicated.

Thanks for doing the lotto, past me.

RIP.   

-21.38