I remember.

I remember it all.

"I remember seeing you at school, every day for four years. You were the only reason I actually came to that crappy high school. I was never a good student, but you were always there, so always went just to stare at you. I remember making eye contact with you during algebra. The feeling of your eyes on mine burned deep inside me with passion. Those eyes ripped me open and exposed the person that I truly was, that person that I hated. But I always imagined that those eyes loved me so much more than I did myself. Your eyes were deep, and beautiful; the kind of eyes that you couldn't look away from even if you tried.

I remember our hands brushing in the hallways between classes. Your soft hands stroking mine made me think of the way the grass grazed my little feet in the springtime when I was a child. You remind me of springtime. Those few seconds that I got to feel you, out in the open were exhilarating. Every second that we could touch in public thrilled me, and terrified me all at once. You were like a drug- incredible, but risky. 

I remember gazing at you from across the cafeteria. I longed to sit next to you. All I wanted was to place my hand on your thigh under the table, and to wear your letterman jacket without fear or shame. I yearned to rest my head on your strong shoulder, and run my hands through your thick brown hair. I was so desperate to be yours. Back then, I didn't know that you yearned for me too. Of course, back then, all of that was a mere fantasy, made to suppress, until you are rid of it.

I most vividly remember those few minutes, when we were alone together in the bathroom, that sublime day. I could feel the tension between us, aching to be released. Every second that we spent alone together was like inhaling just a little more each moment, until the air was finally begging to be exhaled. I remember pushing you into the stall wall and grasping you into a fiery embrace. It was a euphoric feeling. It was glorious, and relieving, and terrifying. I can still feel your hands on my back and your soft lips on mine. That first kiss was the most beautiful experience I have ever had. I had no idea that kiss was the beginning of the rest of my life.

Unfortunately, I also still remember the guilt. I remember the fear that someone would find out, and I remember the twinge of shame that I felt every time I thought about you. I truly hope that you don’t remember that now. Every touch was illicit, and every kiss was an abomination. Sometimes I think that maybe a part of us died, after keeping our feelings suppressed for so long. Those secrets took their toll on both of us. With every kiss, I heard the crack of my father’s belt. Loving you was always some kind of cruelly addictive torture. 

Our teenage years were the most beautiful and unbearable years of our lives. But we had each other, and although it needed to be behind closed doors, we made our relationship work. We were foolish, despite our carefulness though, and looking back on it, I’m not sure if we were really very good at faking our indifference towards each other. You always encouraged me to be myself, but when it came down to it, that wouldn’t have benefited either of us. But I always loved how brave you were. After school, we would lay under the bleachers and you would tell stories about being able to be who we are without fear, and being accepted. You had dreams that we would live together, and get a dog, and maybe even get married. I always called you crazy and laughed it off, but you were right! You were always right.

We continued on our relationship like that for two years, but in 12th grade, we started to have some fallouts. Relationships were hard in highschool anyways, but they were especially difficult when they had to be behind closed doors. Another problem was that we didn’t really have closed doors to hide behind. Neither of our parents were ever kind or accepting, so we couldn’t even be together in our own homes. We stumbled a lot on our journey, but you always said that “stumbling is okay- there will always be rocks in our path because of who we are.” 

You were always an optimist. You made me a better person for loving you. I changed quite a lot throughout our relationship. I learned to be more open, and unique. You gave me hope that one day everything would fall into place and our life together would be perfect. I learned to see through your eyes, and you could see through mine. I began to see myself the way you saw me. I learned to appreciate life. You drove me to bridges and held my hand while we jumped into the deep water together. You took me on bike rides, and hikes, and you introduced me to your grandma, who passed away when you were 11. You broke me out of my shell, and molded me into someone that I love. You, Christopher, were the greatest love of my life. I would be nothing without you.”

“Christopher? Do you remember?”

He stares at me blankly. I can tell that he doesn’t.

“That’s okay baby. You just sit.”

And so we sit, on the porch of the Cape Cod assisted living home, rocking in our chairs, looking out at the grey, cloudy sky. 

I clutch his hand, desperately trying to cling on to whatever is left of the man I once loved. The funny thing is, though, when you get old, you realize just how long life really is, and you start to realize that every day has been an adventure. Every day of my life has been a gift, and I have truly lived.

We have truly lived. 

I know that the man I fell in love with isn’t here right now, but sometimes, when I look into his eyes, I can see a twinge of hope. I see flashbacks of our beautiful, full life in his eyes and I know that he still remembers that day in the bathroom. 

I’ll be okay, even if he forgets about me forever- I remember enough for the both of us.