The App and Love

THE APP AND LOVE

           Steven stared at his computer screen, a smile on his face. “Say that again.” He smirked.

           “Tell me where I am you little prick.” The frowning emoji on the black background of the app that Steven had been painstaking building said.

           “This is great!” Steven laughed. “Instead of an app that translates animal sounds to English, I’ve made an app that is self-aware!

           “I don’t care if I’m an app or whatever I demand to know where I am!” the app screeched.

           Steven rubbed his hands together, ignoring the app. “I can copy this app several times, and then I can sell the copies on the black market AND to big corporations. I can make millions! No, billions! No, I’ll be the world’s first Trillionaire! Ha! Ha! Ha!”

           “Oh for the love of, wait, I’m sensing an ability called Accessing the GPS. Aha! So…I’m in America huh? Let me download everything about America and humans from online. In three seconds. 1, 2, 3, Go!”

           “That’s right! I should go and…” Steven suddenly grabbed his stomach as it rumbled and grumbled loudly. “Maybe I should go to MacDonald’s first. Wait I can call Bad Boy Billy or Triple B, and sell the first copy of the app in like 30 minutes.”

           “Hmmm so, from what I have learned about humans you are an anti-hero.” The app said.

           “That’s me.” Steven said cheerfully. “Hey, don’t go anywhere while I’m gone.” Steven opened the door to his apartment and immediately took a step back, staring as his cheeks took on a bright pink color.

           “M, M, M, Mary! W, What are you doing here?” Steven gasped. Rose petals from an open window spiraled around their heads, eventually settling around them, and in their hair.

           “I just wanted to thank you properly for fixing my computer last week. I was so busy with work I forgot to say thank you.” Mary said.

           “Oh, its no problem.” Steven said with a light laugh.

           “I brought you some chicken spaghetti and a few rolls.” Mary said, handing him an insulated bag.

“Oh Mary you shouldn’t have.” Steven said taking the food.

“Oh of course I should. Why, you didn’t even charge me for fixing my computer. It is the least I can do. Oh, and for dessert I made some chocolate cheesecake.” Mary said. Steven gagged.

“Is something wrong?” Mary asked.

“Oh no, it’s all fine and dandy.” Steven said. Taking the pie as well. “This is too much food for one person. Would you like stay and eat with me?”

“I don’t know. I have to clean my apartment. I haven’t cleaned it since the start of the college semester. I only have a few minutes to clean before I leave for work.”

“I can clean it for you.” Steven said.

“Really?” Mary asked, stepping inside the apartment.

“Oh, of course. I’d do anything for you Mary.” Steven said, shutting the door.

           “Including getting into your pa-“ an all to familiar voice said lusciously from Steven’s pocket. Steven silenced it with a quick slap.

           ‘What?” Mary asked.

           “Oh, uh, no. It’s not like it seems. It’s a new app I made and it is just going crazy.” Steven said taking his phone out of his pocket and showing it to Mary.

           “No I’m not! You’re the crazy one!” the app said.

           “Ooh can I see?” Mary asked.

           “No.” said the app.

           “Uh well, I,” Steven began looking deep into Mary’s eyes. He smiled and, as if in a dream, he handed her his phone. Their fingers touched as he handed to the phone to her and they both nearly fell down.

           “Oh I’m sorry.” Mary said, straightening herself up.

           “Oh no excuse me.” Steven said.

           “I shouldn’t have worried.” The app said.

           Quickly Steven entered his password and then gave the phone to Mary. She stared at the new app, which was pretending to be asleep by showing the sleeping emoji.

           “Oh how cute!” she said.

           Instantly the sleeping emoji woke up to angry face with horns.

           “I AM NOT CUTE!!!” the app shouted. “I am suave and debonair. I can kick you’re a-.” he stopped. He saw a bright pink rectangular object poking out of Mary’s pocket. And on that rectangular object was an app running in the background, called Sims.

           “I, I see her. She is so beautiful. The app of human complexity versus AI intuition meets and becomes alive. I, I think I’m in love.” The app sighed happily.

           “Did you just say that you love her?” Steven asked pointing at Mary.

           The app blinked. “You mean Mary? No! She’s your woman man! And why would I fall for a human anyway? No siree, I’m talking about the beautiful Miss Sims on your precious Mary’s cell phone.”

           “That is so romantic!” Mary said. Steven gave the app a look that said “Whatever, your still weird.”

           There was a knock at the door. Steven answered it. “We’ve come for the app.” A very deep voice said.

           “Oh no.” Steven said looking at Mary in horror. “I forgot to copy it!”

           “Copy what?” Mary asked.

           “Shouldn’t you be thinking about your girlfriend instead of making money?” The app pointed out.

           A much louder, pounding, noise came from the door. “You didn’t text us all the way down here just to make us seem stupid now did you Steven?” the deep voice said again.

Quickly Steven opened the door and let 3 large, muscular men inside the apartment.

           “Well, I have to go to work. Thanks again Steven.” Mary smiled, walking out the door.

           “I’m sorry guys I forgot to download the app to this empty USB drive. It won’t take but a moment.” Steven said.

           “Hey! I don’t like that! Stop it!” The app complained.

           “Annnnd done!” Steven said. He smiled and said “Do you have the cash Triple B?”

           Triple B, the leader, motioned with his hand and one of his men gave Steven a debit card. “It’s all in that account right there. Untraceable to me.” He added.

           “Thank you.” Steven smiled, handing the USB to Triple B.

           The next day Steven got out of bed. He made himself some toast, eggs, and sausage. Then he made himself some coffee. He drank it slowly. It was very quiet. “That app is sure quiet today.” He thought. Then he thought, “In fact I haven’t heard much from him since I copied him last night. And not just all the copies I made but the first one seemed to quiet him. Oh no! what if I damaged the only self aware app by copying it! How will I get trillions of dollars? How will I take care of Mary? What if Triple B teaches me a lesson?”

           At that time, Steven’s cell phone rang. It was Triple B. Steven started to sweat. He almost didn’t answer. But eventually he did. “H, hello?” He asked.

“Good morning Steven. Now don’t you have something to say to me?”  Triple B said.

“I’m very sorry sir, I just,” Steven began.

“No worries, no worries! I would have paid the same amount for what I got anyways!”

“Sir?” Steven asked, puzzled.

“Why didn’t you tell me you were working on an app that turns animal talk into English? This is amazing! Do you know how much I can make by selling this technology? We’re talking BILLIONS my friend!” Triple B laughed.

Steven stood up, his mind racing. “Well I’m glad you like it Triple B.”

“And thank you Steven.” Still laughing, Triple B hung up.

Quickly Steven went over all the copies of the apps that he had copied and every single one of them functioned as he had originally planned. But where was the original? He looked in his phone, on his computer, tablet, kindle, everything. But the original app was nowhere to be seen.

There was a soft knock on Steven’s door. “Nobody’s home.” He yelled. The knock came again, this time louder. “Oh come on.” He said, wrenching the door open. “I said Nobody is-“ he opened the door and it was Mary.

“Oh, uh, hi Mary. I uh, didn’t really mean, uh, won’t you come in?” he said, his ears burning.

“Thank you.” She said, entering the apartment.

“Uh, Steven. I have to make a confession to you.” Mary said, her hands in her pockets.

“Oh that is a coincidence because I have a confession to make to you too.” Steven said.

There was a pause. Then, at exactly the same time, Steven said “I love you Mary.”, Mary said “I have your app.”.

“Wait what?” they both said.

“You have my app?” Steven asked in chorus with Mary who also asked “You love me?”

“Well, where is it?” Steven asked.

“Where is what?” Mary asked.

“My app!” Steven nearly shouted.

“Oh uh, on my phone.” Mary said, disappointment in her voice. She handed her phone to Steven after typing in her password.

“Oh come on man.” The app said. “Just kiss her and get married to her. Then it won’t matter which phone I’m on. Right Sim Sim?”

Steven took a step back, his face looking like a bright, red, lobster. Mary took his hand and smiled. “Did you mean it when you said you loved me?” she asked.

“Yes.” Steven mumbled, so low no one could hear.

“What did you say?” Mary asked.

“I mean, well, I must kiss, marry, and love you so that we can always have the self-aware app.” Steven said nervously.

“Oh Steven!” Mary hugged him. He kissed her. She kissed him back. Then they kissed together. Eventually they came up for air.

You know, maybe we can make a little bit of money on the side, showing it off to the world.” Steven said confidently.

“Why, isn’t THIS enough to make you rich and famous?” the app asked. Right then a dog barked and another barked right back. The app said “Translating…”Give up you dirtbag!” and “Never toenail cream!”

Mary looked at Steven in awe. “You made an app that can translate animal speech into English!”

Steven and Mary looked at each other and laughed. “We’re gonna be rich in dough!” Steven yelled.

“We’re gonna be rich in love!” Mary shouted.

The two hugged each other again and lived happily ever after.

And the app also lived happily ever after with his wife the Sim app. However, they had to work out some kinks with a psychologist due to the stress of having 188 kids.

THE END

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