Sea Glass and a Polarized Star

CW: Suicide

The line that separates the ocean and sky is distant. It’s a soft blue event horizon that grows darker with the night, to the point where there is nothing left but a vortex beyond the cold sand. Space and time and fate feel insignificant at that moment as Ash continues to watch that glistening void swallow the full moon’s light. She listens to the receding tides as they coalesce into great waves, to the water hitting the sides of her docked boat, and watches the moonlight roll over the surface until it ebbs away, as though devoured by that great void. 

And it’s here where that great stomach spat out a myth mere years ago. Regurgitated half a woman, half a fish from its depths, swaddled in seaweed, as though delivered with care. With even greater care and caution, Ash had cut off the seaweed and wiped away the seafoam from the mermaid’s sleeping face. 

“Masika?” Ash whispers, shaking her awake. “Are you alright?” 

The mermaid sighed. Her shimmering tail unraveled into legs under the pale morning skies, the scales and dead skin washed away with the low tides. She looked up at the human and smiled. “Yes,” she whispers back, soft blue eyes cloudy like sea glass, “I’m alright now.” 

Ash tears her eyes away from that distant place, pulls herself from that distant memory, and turns her back to it. The lull of the ocean fades as she climbs higher up the dunes. When her bare feet stand solid on thin blades of grass, she glances over her shoulder and sees the rising sun. The void melts away, and the definition of that separating line is bolder with the oranges of the new day. 

The swish of a door and squeaky hinges suddenly snaps her eyes forward again. She stands frozen before the threshold of her own home, staring at the woman who'd opened the door.

“Ash,” the woman smiles, relieved, “you’re back.” She leans against the doorframe, wobbling slightly as she tries to reach for Ash. 

“You should’ve stayed in bed, Masika,” Ash rushes to her side, holding her up by her forearms. She rubs her hands over the patches of Masika’s cold, scaly skin. “What did I say before, huh? You need to rest, and resting involves staying in bed. I swear, I’m not even gone for that long-“

Masika laughs airily, leaning into Ash. “You are always gone for the entire night! The bed gets too cold! You know I cannot keep it warm on my own.”

Ash huffs, not deigning a response to that, and bends down to lift her into her arms.

“No!” Masika gently swats Ash’s shoulder. “My frail bones aren’t broken yet! I feel like walking today!” 

Reluctantly, Ash guides her back inside, upstairs, and into her bed. Masika slides under the covers once more and looks up to see Ash gazing out through the four-paneled window. Laying down, Masika can only see the sky in the top two panels. 

“And you never take me into town anymore!” Masika sighs, reaching out to hold Ash’s hand. “We used to go together so often. I miss working in Mark’s restaurant and talking with Regina at the market. I miss our dates there. Ahh, it feels so long ago now. Do you remember? How we would meet at home after we finished work and you would cook me dinner? But now you just…sneak away at night.” 

Ash says nothing for a long moment as she continues staring out the window, the air suddenly stifling. There are no more silver waves, no more seafoam at her feet, no void to consume the happenings of time and space. There is no means to quell her oscillations between fear and hope. That distant line made tangible by the window panels, that illusion of her mind’s eye made real makes her chest swell with hope that yes, maybe she can stop what is happening to Masika, maybe she can-

The hand around hers tightens. Ash looks down and meets Masika’s teary eyes. The unasked questions hang in that stifling air, ruminating in that stagnant room.

“I go out at night hoping I’ll find a way to save you,” Ash says. 

Masika’s hand loosens. “I don’t think you’ll find your answer by staring at the ocean until dawn, my dear.” 

Ash looks down and ghosts her hand over Masika’s arm. There are more patches of blue scales than there is skin now. Whatever skin is left is stretched and scared by the slow protrusions of new scales. Almost like teeth, Ash thinks, because ripping out the scales doesn’t reveal human skin underneath, only blood and the rapid growing stubs of new scales. 

“Why did you do this?” Ash asks. 

Masika crosses her arms, eyes turning to stare at the ceiling. “Do what?” 

“Do any of this! Why-“ Ash scowls, gesturing wildly around the room. “Why not let me help you! Why didn’t you tell me years ago what was happening?” 

“And tell you what, exactly?” Masika sighs, heaving herself upright. “Do you believe you would’ve loved me the same if I told you I needed a human to fall in love with me to stay human? And within a year, no less!”

Ash grimaces but doesn’t argue.

“Do you think,” Masika continues with hard labored breaths as she struggles to lift her legs over the bed, “that I wanted you to love me just so I could be saved?” 

“What do you mean? Oh, wait, hold on-“ Ash quickly bends down to lift Masika into her arms. “I’m not letting you walk again today, okay?” 

“Ugh.” Masika groans, laughing softly as she rests her head on Ash’s shoulder. “Fine. But you must carry me anywhere I desire!”

“Oh?” Ash smiles, holding her cold body close to her. “And where do you desire to be?”

“In the warmest of waters!” Masika answers, pointing in the direction of the bathroom.

Ash chuckles, carrying her straight there. She gently sets her down in the tub, turning on the hot water. Masika stretches out her legs, the scales on her legs softly clinking against the tub. There is a thin membrane of webbing growing between her toes as the toenails grow too thick to cut without the risk of injury. Sooner or later, the frail bones in her legs will break but they will not heal correctly as a human. New tendons, ligaments, and bone structures will form to return her to her original form, but with all the agonizing pain-

“Ash.”

Suddenly there’s a splash of water on Ash’s face, and she looks up from the scaly legs to Masika’s grinning face. 

“I want you to carry me to town-“ Masika starts, cupping more water into her hands. 

“Absolutely not-” 

“So we can dance again!” Masika splashes more water on Ash, throwing her arms up and laughing. “We have not danced in a very long time, my love, and I desire to do it one last time.” 

Ash inhales sharply at those words. “One last time?” 

“Yes.” Masika nods, staring down at her scales sparkling in the water, smile waning. “I believe-Ash, I think-“

“What did you mean before?” Ash suddenly asks. The thought of continuing to talk as if death was just on the horizon as if it were so close, made dread settle deep in her gut. “About me loving you just to save you?” 

Masika stares at her scales for a moment longer, as though pondering for an answer, and finally looks up at Ash. “If I had told you everything behind my transformation into a human, your reasons for loving me would be different. We wouldn’t be as we are now.”

“You wouldn’t be going through all this pain-“ Ash sneers.

“Ash,” Masika cuts her off, bringing her hands to cup Ash’s face, “you were the first thing I saw when I came up from those depths. I grew tired of hearing stories of the surface and the sun and humans, who apparently were very foolish and never lived very long. So one day I swam to the surface, and my darling, it hurt so much.”

Masika exhales a shaky laugh, her body trembling slightly as though that pain still reverberated through her. But she continued talking. 

“The water felt so constricting, like a vice around my body whenever I tried to swim higher. When I took my first breath of air-that was more painful than I thought it’d be. The sun, too, my gods. Everything was so bright, I felt nearly blinded! It took me weeks to adjust to the sun, but when I did, I watched many of the ships going by. Some were for travel, I think, and others mainly for fishing. But then one day, I saw the smallest fishing boat ever out there. I went closer to it, and that’s when I saw you.” 

Ash listened quietly and waited for her to continue, leaning into the rough touch of her hands. 

“You were lifting a net of fish, and your hair came loose. You scrambled to get your hair out of your eyes, but you dropped the net. There was no one else on that boat except you. I thought it was strange.”

Ash chuckles. “I bet you thought it was funny.”

“Oh, it was the funniest thing I ever saw!” Masika laughs, her eyes crinkling at the edges. "A single human trying to pull up a fishnet ten times your size and your hair is what stopped you!” 

Ash leans over to splash water on her face. “Well then! Maybe I shouldn’t have saved you and let you wreak havoc on my ship!”

“I did no such damage!” Masika gasps, giggling. “It’s not my fault your tiny boat didn’t have a tub to fit me. Aren't boats supposed to withstand water?”

“Yes,” Ash sighs, “but not inside the boat.”

Masika’s laughter dies down, suddenly somber, and continues. “Even though I had heard humans killed mermaids, I figured I was already dead for running away to the surface. I made my choice to end my life in that darkness, and I would make that same choice again.”

“Despite that being in your nature?” Ash asks. 

“There were mermaids who lived closer to the surface,” Masika replies softly, “but that was a very long time ago.” 

“And who placed this curse on you?” Ash asks, quieter this time. 

“This was a blessing, my love,” Masika replies, even softer, “that was given to me by another mermaid that followed me to the surface. An elder, you could say, who can perform spells. She still lingers near the surface.” 

Ash digests this, and it churns the dread in her stomach into something heavier, something more dangerous. Something like hope. 

“After all these years?” Ash’s voice quivers. 

Masika nods. “Yes.”

“That day-“ Ash swallows around the lump in her throat. “That day you turned human on the beach, I-I was just happy to see you again. You left suddenly from my boat and I waited weeks to see you-“

“That was the day I took up the deal with the elder,” Masika quickly says. “We traveled back to the depths, to perform the spell, and the ocean delivered me to the beach where you were.”

“And-and how-“ Ash exhales deeply, then inhales quickly. The words are slurred and rushed between sharp panicked breaths, “why-why did you just not tell me about your deal I- I could've saved you-“ 

Suddenly there’s water spilling onto the floor as Masika crawls over the side of the tub, scrambling to wrap her arms around Ash.

“Breath my dear,” Masika whispers into her ear, gently rubbing circles into her back, “just like that, yes, just keep doing that.”

Trepidation runs through Ash's chest as she thinks about that sliver of hope that awaits her beyond the sand. There is an answer out there, Ash feverishly thinks. And as she embraces Masika tighter in the puddle on their bathroom floor, she realizes there is something more dangerous than hope here. 

There is love. 

“Masika?” Ash whispers softly. 

Masika replies, even softer, “Yes?”

“Why are you still with me, even to this day?” Ash asks, voice raw and raspy and scared. “There were certainly better dancers in town.”

Masika snickers, letting out a deep sigh into Ash’s shoulder. “Oh, I know. Everyone else I danced with didn’t have two left feet.”

“Then why-“

Masika quickly shushes her, pulling away to look Ash dead in the eyes. “I have learned how humans do things for many years now. I know how to walk, fish, how to cook, and clean. I have learned the value in many things, in money, in my time, and in my work. Some of were taught by you, many were taught by others.”

Masika looks away, as though flustered, but her cheeks stopped flushing red a long time ago. Ash dearly misses that color on her. As soon as Ash brushes her hand across her cold cheek, Masika returns her gaze to Ash’s and continues.

“I've learned many things, but I've realized even more. I realized that even when you were out fishing, and I was working at Mark’s restaurant, I would be so excited to know I would get to see you at home. I realized that I liked your cooking the most. I liked the way you walked slower with me so we'd be side by side.”

“Mark would be offended if he heard you liked my cooking,” Ash laughs nasally, sniffling. “He says I can’t cook anything besides fish.”

Masika tenderly wipes away the tears on Ash’s flushed cheeks. “I know, I know. You can also cook pasta.”

“Damn right I can,” Ash murmured when Masika leans forward, pressing their foreheads together.

“I liked the way you looked at me when you found me on that beach.” Masika breaths. 

“How did I look?” Ash asks softly. 

And Masika replies, even softer, still ever so soft, “Like you had stars in your eyes.” 

“Oh,” Ash says, smiling as she kisses her one last time. 

Silently, she turns the water off and carries Masika back to bed. She makes no objections, letting Ash change her into dry clothes. Masika holds her in her gaze, and Ash basks in that loving gaze for as long as she still can. She is so warm, Ash thinks, for someone who came from such cold depths. 

There is still apprehension in Ash’s gut, but she does not wait until nightfall to go back to the beach. The sun is high now, and the skies are clear blue. 

“Ash?” Masika calls out from the bed.

Ash freezes on the threshold to their bedroom and does not face her. “Yes?”

“You will not find answers in that ocean, my love,” Masika says, “I knew the deal I was making. You do not need to save me from a choice that can’t be undone.” 

Ash does not turn to face her. She leaves, but Masika’s cries are not drowned out by the crashing waves, or the shrieks of seagulls. Ash does not turn around, does not look at what she knows is behind her. The sigh of Masika, crawling on bloody knees and legs and elbows-she knows she would stop and go home with her if she saw that. 

“I know you’re out there!” The tides engulf Ash as she walks into the ocean, hand reaching out to that line where the sky is divided from water. “You made an unfair deal with her, and you-you've just let her wither away!"

“Ash, wait!” Masika bellows behind her. 

Suddenly, as though answering, the current devours Ash. There is pressure against her ears, and water in her mouth. Her body is swept under another current, twisting and contorting, colliding with the ocean floor until everything turns black. 

“I have heard your pathetic words,” a raspy low voice says, “the deal she made was fair.”

Ash forces her eyes open, hissing in pain as she clutches her head. 

“You humans,” the voice continues, disgusted, “so pitiful. What did Masika see in you, I wonder.”

“Me too,” Ash scowls, and looks up at the elder mermaid looming above her, the moonlight harshly illuminating her. “I want to make a deal.”

“Hah!” The elder scoffs. “A deal, the human says. Masika’s deal was to have a human fall in love with her within a year for her to stay human, but she did not account for the slow affections of human hearts. Or perhaps she did and did not care. If she did not succeed, what makes you believe you will?” 

“Because time will not be against me,” Ash coughs, wincing in pain. “If she cannot be human, then let her change into a mermaid without pain.”

The elder hums in thought, chuckling darkly. “You wish to evade nature’s natural change.”

“Please,” Ash pleads, “I will do anything.” 

The elder hums in thought again, sighing deeply. “We believe our bodies and souls will forever drift in these opal oceans. We were never meant for your world, but we were created half in your likeness. Or perhaps you in ours. Masika is tired, adrift in the ocean, searching for you now. So I will make this deal. She will live painlessly in these waters, but you will be reborn as our new light in the depths below.”

Ash weakly nods, coughing as she sits up to stare one last time at that distant void. 

“Then I will shine brightly for her,” Ash whispers softly. 

The elder shuts Ash’s eyes, and she does not open them again. Her body is dragged under the waves, sinking until it reaches the depths. The elder sings, and a great spark of light appears. The mermaids awed in wonder at their very own star amongst the darkness.

Masika does not gaze at that polarized star and cries softly, ever so softly as she swims further into the depths until she meets her end.