Day 23

Lockdown Day 23

11:11 p.m.

I make a wish from my bed, already covered and set to sleep. Writing in my diary is the “last” thing I do everyday since the start of this lockdown. 

I am upset with the book I am reading. “The mystery of human existence lies not in just staying alive, but in finding something to live for.” That Dostoyevsky! He makes me think at night, which is what I am trying not to do.

I miss going out for walks more than anything. I went out to buy groceries today and the Police stopped everyone that didn’t seem to have a reason to be outside.

It is not "just went out to buy groceries" nowadays. It is the process of buying groceries. You put on gloves, and a mask as if you are entering the ICU to check on patients and not picking up yogurt, honey and tampons.

Any-who! The phone just beeped a couple of minutes ago. I got a message from him. I only read the first line because I didn’t want it to be marked “read.” It would seem desperate, which I am NOT.

So, I am writing to keep myself from replying to him, thinking about him . . . That is what happened yesterday and it didn’t end well. Stayed up until 2 a.m. I tossed and turned between Facebook, Instagram and Twitter trying to find the connection between his activities. He keeps posting songs that we used to listen to together. Songs he knows I might be listening to. He even posts songs at the times of the day when I usually listen to them. I even thought that he might be following my Spotify profile but I am often using the offline mode or a private session. 

11:27

Now, I got an email. It reads:

“Hey, how have you been? I have been meaning to call but now with the confinement and all . . . my wife doesn’t let me out of her sight. I could write to you because she went to bed early tonight! I miss you so much. Sometimes when I am kissing her, I think of you. I feel that it is you and get all excited. Then she moves away from me and I see her instead. I shut my eyes and try to imagine you again. I love you.

Hope all this is over soon, so we could meet and talk again . . . love again.

xx,

Soufi”

He overlooks a lot. What is this? What does he mean? I did leave him a couple of weeks before the confinement when he started talking all love and stuff. How many times do you have to tell a married man to bugger off?! Nothing good could come out of what he’s repeating.

12:04

I am still here. I know that midnight marks the end of the day and beginning of the new one but when does it end for me? Now, it’s tomorrow? So, technically if I were to start the day now, like I would at 7 a.m., would it change much? I am working from home anyways, so as long as I do my assignments, it doesn’t matter. They will have them tomorrow earlier than usual and that is it.

12:23

Maybe he is feeling sad and needs someone to talk to? We have been friends for 20 years, if he is at a bad place I want to help. We are not right for each other, he must know that too! All we do is meet and talk from time to time; I don’t feel anything other than asexual love for him.

I checked Instagram a few minutes ago and he liked a post with a quote about finding someone to hug. It says: “everyone deserves to find someone to hug to the extent that they feel their sorrows dissolve inside of them and drop like ashes to the ground.” The post was put at around 12:10 and if he liked it, this means that he is still up because it must have been after 12:10. Is he thinking of me? What is he thinking about?

Maybe I cannot sleep because he is thinking of me. I read that once that when someone thinks of you, you have an interrupted sleep or insomnia. How do I get him to stop? I really want to sleep.

12:54

I had 2 cups of coffee “today,” one at noon and the other around 3 p.m. That is not what is keeping me up. I didn’t have coffee at all a few days before and still didn’t sleep.

This is a mere social construction of time. Now that I am alone all day and night at my place, I could create my own time zone.

Actually, this is not a bad idea!

+ My time zone

 - The day starts at . . . sunrise; at 6 a.m.

 - This would mean that it ends at 6 a.m. as well.

 - There is no midday or midnight because they would be irrelevant to my time

zone.

(need to figure out a relevant title for it)

It might take me a while to grasp this because instead of going to bed at 10:30 p.m. I could go to bed much later. Or . . . I could have a nap at 7 p.m. and wake up at 9 p.m. to continue my day.

The logic is that if the normal working day was 9 a.m. to 5 p.m. and I sleep at 10:30 p.m. I only have five hours per day and the weekends to be free of any social interaction. If those five hours were started at a later time when people are bound to call less, then I would miss all unnecessary/ unwanted contact. Voilà!

01:35

If I come up with a better daily routine, I could really sleep better. I do use my punching bag often and take a shower after that. Maybe if I trained later on! After my nap, I should train then have a bath. This should calm me down enough

01:56

He just updated his Facebook status to: “Insomnia . . . who is up?” I didn’t write anything. I switched my phone off altogether.

Dostoyevsky is beautiful torture. I stop at his sentences and get lost for a while.

“This is my last message to you: in sorrow, seek happiness.”   

__________________________________________