The Quirky Date

In the day and age of 2021, a plethora of dating options is likely to overwhelm the modern millennial. You had the hook up crowd of Hinge and Tinder, depending on your preferences, and then you had the more “relationship-friendly” apps of eHarmony and Bumble. Hinge was notorious for gay men, so that opted her out of the list of potentials that could bang her. Not that having sex on the first date was beneath Kiley Matthews, but she wanted to treat sex as the final home run. She wasn’t going to give a hand job within the first five dates; it was against her own moral code.

Ursula did warn Kiley that eHarmony was more of the senior scene though, so she swiped left on that. On an uneventful Wednesday night, she was about to swipe left on another Bumble Bum, or as she liked to joke with Ursula, the B.B.s, she noticed the most handsome man on the planet. While she knew that Instagram had influenced a lot of people to look like celebrities, this guy was the main prize. The best part about this man was that he didn’t have a photo where he was frowning! Seriously, what ever happened to the old days where a smile was the sexiest trait a person could possess? But that wasn’t all. None of the photos looked photo shopped, he didn’t try to show a cute dog in the photo to show that he wasn’t an asshole, and the best part of all? He wasn’t a smoker.

Kiley didn’t tell anyone this, but she did read Mark’s bio on his Bumble app many times.

“Looking for a classic babe who loves sea diving, playing with my nieces, and doesn’t think Dave Matthews or Bryan Adams are sellouts!”

It wasn’t what she expected, but he took the words right out of her mouth.

She noticed that Ursula was about to get ready to go out with her boyfriend, Kyle. Kyle and Ursula had met at Boston University where they had both majored in accounting. Ursula had already taught her the fine art of getting ready for potential paramours.

“Another date with Romeo?”

Ursula had that characteristic glint in her eye. She knew that Kiley loved to bust her chops now and again. “You know that archaic reference gets both of us to roll our eyes?”

“Every time.” As if on cue, Ursula rolled her eyes and continued to apply her MAC mascara on to finish her makeup look. “Anyways, don’t you have a date with Fabio?”

“His name isn’t Fabio, it’s Mark. Mark Wallis.”

“That’s because Fabio is the masculine archetype of beauty.” She put the MAC mascara back near the right side of her bathroom mirror, where compact mirrors, lipsticks, eyebrow fillers, and the like were all put together as if a makeup stylist was giving makeovers to New York fashion models.

“So what would the feminine archetype be?” Kiley had finally put down her Vogue magazine. She didn’t need to worry about hair and makeup. She was one of those people who believed that waking up at 4:00 in the morning was a perfect time to start a hair and makeup routine.

“Beyoncé, of course.”

 Kiley laughed. Beyoncé was considered a role model to a lot of black women.

“Why aren’t you ready for the date?”

“Who says I’m not ready? I already have an outfit picked out and he should be driving to our 34^th and Broadway studio apartment in one and a half hours.”

“You were always the planner, Kiley.” Ursula shook her head. “If a man robbed you at gunpoint, you would already know where all of the available exits were.”

“Thank you. The last thing I need though is the image of my date that is very psychotic a la Hannibal Lecter. Plus, I’m wearing makeup.”

“I can see that, Miss Bougie.”

Suddenly, the doorbell rang. Both of the women squealed like two high schoolers near the lockers at 2^nd period.

Mark wasn’t at the door though. It was Gregory Pierre Hinesburg, the Dutch-French doorman who had escorted women like Kiley Matthews down to glamorous limos ever since she was old enough to learn about the concept of chivalry from a gentleman. When Kiley was 14, she had a Hermes scarf delivered to her all the way from Paris. One day, in the limo, Kiley was distraught. The Hermes scarf had gone missing. Gregory had noticed that a Belgium named Tyler Edinburg was running towards the limo. No damages were committed in the position of this heinous act. The best part about this whole affair was that Kiley and Tyler were the talk of Manhattan for over 7 years. While they didn’t date anymore, they still kept in touch now and again.

Since that fateful day near her apartment, Kiley had never underestimated the power of a chivalrous act.

“Kiley!” Mr. Hinesburg snapped his fingers in frustration.

“Yes, I’m here.”

“Mr. Wallis is waiting for you.” He gently led her to the rustic, yet still well-functioning, elevator of the 4 story building.

With a final glance at her watch, Kiley already felt the butterflies erupt inside of her stomach. She never got turned off by the idea of a date giving you anxiety and thrills. That was the fun of it all.

What Kiley saw next almost took her breath away. While Mark was still handsome, what he was wearing made her aghast. He wasn’t like the other suitors that she had engaged with in her New York life. While they usually wore Giorgio Armani suits and Cartier Tank watches to complete the look, Mark was dressed in a yellow plaid suit. To top that off, he had yellow flowers to finish his own…unique style off.

“Kiley Matthews. It is an honor to make your acquaintance.” He knelt down to kiss her hand, which she consented to of course.

But Kiley was still distracted by the Big Bird nightmare of fashion horrors. She couldn’t go to any country club with her friends. She would be the laughing stock of New York. At least he wasn’t Hannibal Lecter released from prison... she thought pensively.

Before she could call Ursula for help from her Chanel purse, she and Mark were already in the limo.

“I know how much you love Italian food, so I managed to take you to the fanciest, shmanciest town in the world.”

Shmanciest?! Who talks like that? Cleopatra herself would throw dagger eyes at a man who created these illusions about wealth with that primitive vocabulary.

Another rule Kiley learned from her mother was drilled in her during her adolescence: Don’t leave before the clock strikes midnight. Okay, her mother, Mary, had gotten that idea from Cinderella, but it was a classic fairy tale for any woman who wanted to go from rags to riches.

“What, pray tell, is the name of that fancy place, Mr. Wallis?”

“Scalini Fedeli!”

The steps of faith. That was what the Italian title meant in English. Kiley would definitely be holding onto a lot of faith to get through this sordid night.

Then she had an epiphany. What was Kiley doing? She shouldn’t turn down a date just from what he was wearing.

By the time they both got inside the restaurant, she knew what she had to do.

A waiter came by.

“Buonasera, you two. My name is Cosimo and I’ll be taking your order for tonight. May I ask what you will be having?”

Mark smiled at Kiely. As much as he wanted to be gentlemanly, Kiely was a sight to foresee. Her ebony lips, her well-manicured nails… everything about her was made to be a perfect replica of Helen of Troy.

“You might want to quit drooling, dear.” She continued to look at her menu unfazed.

“I want you to order first.”

That was new. Most men just assumed what she wanted.

“Okay then. I will have the Bolognese meal please.”

“Alright, bella. What would you like to drink with that?”

“A Sauvignon Blanc.”

“And what will you be having, signore?

“I’ll have the Bolognese meal myself. For a drink, I will take a Scotch.”

“Excellent, I will be back with your order.”

The moment Cosimo left the two alone, Kiley took a deep breath, drank her Sauvignon Blanc, and started speaking.

“Mark, I have a confession to make.”

Mark started to arch his eyebrows. “What is it?”

“Listen, you seem like a wonderful guy, and I promise, I’m not as shallow as the tabloids claim I am, but that outfit is completely horrendous. It feels like the Sun threw up near some trees and I can’t even look at you for five minutes.”

She bowed her head in shame. She knew that what the words said were harsh, but it was better to tell someone an authentic truth than an exaggerated lie.

To her surprise, Mark started laughing. No, guffawing at her. This made Kiley enraged.

“Why are you laughing? I just told you your outfit was awful, and now it’s humorous?”

Mark put his hand up to silence her.

“You didn’t hurt my feelings, Kiley. I always wear this outfit to see what dates will think. I want someone in my life who sees past the clothes I flaunt to the world. And the fact that you were honest about my outfit and that you didn’t lie to me like many other women have before really touches my heart.”

“Wow…” He truly did match the description.

“That is such a relief. I was terrified to hurt your feelings all night.”

Normally, Mark would wait until the third date to touch a woman and respect her boundaries. But Kiley seemed safe in his presence. He would do what he could to protect her.

He reached for her arm and rubbed it up and down.

“You could never hurt my feelings. I did want to tell you a story about how I got engaged in the art of sea diving.”

Kiley’s eyes had that glint. Ursula would be so proud of her right now.

“Tell me more.”

Just then, Cosimo came back with the desired meals.

“Enjoy, you two.” He grinned.

Mark proceeded. "The truth is, I have a terrible allergy to onions, so I was grateful that you didn't get a meal that had that."

Kiley was stunned. "And yet,

we're eating at an Italian restaurant where they're all about the onions."

Mark grinned wryly. "How

ironic."

While the two dined and chatted, they started to both feel butterflies for each other. Mark was amazed at the young woman Kiley had become. Despite the fact that she had a rich lifestyle, she still took time to volunteer at old people’s houses.

“A friend of mine had a grandfather that died from Alzheimer’s. It made me truly realize that old people should be given just as much attention as young folks do.” She sipped her wine in silence.

And Mark was a wild card from the start. While he’s usually an extrovert, he sometimes found himself tongue-tied around Kiley’s presence. He really did love sea diving.

“The reason I enjoy sea diving is because I was always obsessed with Titanic. Everyone loved the chemistry between Jack and Rose, but I was enthralled by the way the ship was created to begin with. Plus, I know how much women love jewelry.”

It was in that moment that both dates realized that they didn’t want to date other people after that, for they truly enjoyed each other’s company. After they exchanged phone numbers, Kiley kissed Mark on the cheek, flattered as he saw Kiley walk away. He would definitely plan on courting her in the future.