Pineapples In Weird Places

The blindfold was damp and smelled like aged cheese, as if it had been yanked from a forgotten gym bag.

This is wrong on so many levels, Rupert thought. I’m going to get eaten alive here.

He tapped his fingers nervously on the table, like a pianist playing an invisible scale. The vein in his forehead pulsed beneath the tightly wrapped red fabric. He tried to ignore it, but the pressure and darkness heightened his anxiety with every heartbeat.

Poisonous thoughts continued to cascade through his body, seizing muscles at every turn. This is stupid. If I can't connect with someone in real life, how can this help? And how much bacteria is on this blindfold?

“Good evening, gentlemen!”

Rupert jolted upright in his chair at the sudden announcement. The voice boomed with confidence, laced with a slyness that reminded him of a used car salesman.

The voice continued, dripping with charm. “Here’s your chance to chat, laugh, and—who knows?—maybe spark something special.” He stretched the word like taffy, and the sultry tone drew hoots and whistles from the other men in the room. “You’ll each have five glorious minutes with a lovely lady—also blindfolded—and when you hear that bell, it’s time to wrap it up and move along. Keep it flirty, keep it fun!”

Rupert heard metal jiggling, followed by the thud of a large door slamming against the wall. A stampede of shuffling feet formed a chaotic rhythm: the click-clack of high heels, the drag of flip-flops, and the slap of flats.

The table rattled, and chair legs screeched across the linoleum as someone dropped into the seat across from Rupert. He wasn’t an engineer, but he formulated an equation in his mind: force of the butt on chair + minimal creaking = approximately 160 pounds? Good start.

“Hello, I’m Rene,” the woman said. “And you are?”

She sounds like the lady giving phone menu options, Rupert thought. That familiar, irritatingly generic tone.

“I’m Rupert,” he said, lowering the pitch of his voice, attempting to sound more manly. “I love the sound of your voice.”

Rene laughed nervously. “Well, Robert, we don’t have much time.”

He opened his mouth to correct her, but she continued before he could blurt anything out.

“Tell me something you’re really into these days?”

Don’t say PornHub, Rupert thought, flashing his bare teeth in discomfort. What the devil do normal people even do around here?

“Walking! I’ve been walking along the river. It’s beautiful this time of year.”

“I love taking in the scenery along the river bottom,” Rene agreed. The chair legs shrieked as she pulled herself closer to the table. “But it’s more exciting if you have someone to share it with.”

Is she asking me to go for a walk? Rupert pondered, then questioned his sanity. Oh crap, stop looking foolish and say something.

“Bucket?”

Rene paused. “I’m sorry… what?”

Bravo. And the award for linguistic genius goes to…

“Your bucket list,” Rupert said quickly, trying to recover. “What’s something on your bucket list?”

There was a beat of silence. Rene seemed to hesitate, before a forced chuckle. “I’ve always wanted to travel to Egypt and see the Sphinx. I saw it once in a cartoon, when I was a little girl.”

Rupert bounced with excitement, his knees slamming into the underside of the table, drawing an audible grunt.

“I’m infatuated with Egypt. You don’t know how much time I’ve spent on Google Maps exploring the Great Pyramids. Fun fact—if you’re looking at the Sphinx and turn around, there’s a Pizza Hut nearby.”

“Oh, I love pizza.”

“Hawaiian?”

“Is there any other kind?”

Wait… she didn’t think that was dumb? And she’s into pineapples in weird places? I’m actually connecting with someone… so why do I feel so guilty?

“Sounds like you’re a bit of a risk-taker based on your food choices,” Rene said. “What are you, an Aries?”

“Nope, just a boring old Virgo—obsessive and organized. That’s probably why I ended up in accounting over at the college.”

Rene gasped softly, her fingernails made a grating sound as they dragged across the tabletop and back into her lap. Then there was silence.

When will I learn? No one wants to go out with an accountant. Just say you work with money, idiot.

“Hello, are you still with me?” Rupert called out, trying to ease the tension.

“You said your name was Robert, right?” Rene asked.

“Actually, it’s Rupert—my name is Rupert.”

“Fiddlesticks!”

Fiddlesticks? There’s only one person I know who casually throws the word fiddlesticks into a conversation.

Rupert reached for his blindfold, but before he could lift the veil, Rene’s voice rang out, wavering between anger and relief.

“Aw, it’s you.”

As Rupert’s eyes adjusted to the fluorescent lights, he knew those lips instantly, and the curve of her face.

“Rene?” he shouted. “You’re using your middle name when you’re out trying to cheat on me?”

“You’re the one to talk,” she retorted, ignoring the blindfolded people jolting their heads searching for the source of the disruption. “Walks by the river, Egypt, Hawaiian pizza? That is not my husband. You lie more than a sloth on a lazy Sunday.”

Damn, that’s a good line. Remember to write that one down.

Rupert blinked several times, his mouth hanging open in disbelief. “How could you know what I like? You come home glued to that damn phone. Bedtime’s like being in a movie theatre—lights off, bright screen, and I can’t talk without being shooshed.”

Everyone in the room had their blindfolds off now. Dozens of eyes locked on the gladiators, each one attacking and defending with sharp words and blunt observations.

“It’s no worse than you and your damn PlayStation,” Rene shouted. “I could only be so lucky if you looked at me the way you look at those half-naked men on your wrestling game.”

As if struck by a fatal blow, Rupert sank into his chair, motionless, eyes fixed on the black and white checkered linoleum.

Rene stared at her “kill,” tears of anger and regret filling her eyes.

The room full of blind speed daters murmured and pointed at the scene, like a car crash—unable to look away.

A hush fell over the crowd as Rupert lifted his head and stood, deliberately positioning himself in front of his wife.

“Would you like to go get some pizza?”

Rene nodded her head, reaching for her husband's hand.

“I never knew you liked Egypt,” Rupert said, as they crossed the room towards the exit. “What are your thoughts on Pina Coladas?”