Fiction

Dedicated to Dad

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The wretched screeches of the anthropoids filled my ears. I tried to block the noise- my ears were to the point of bleeding- but I was determined to get this picture. I wouldn’t give up because of a few monkeys.

I could imagine it. The way the full moon played on the light of the water, making the black, flowing waterfall glisten like a thousand stars.

The perfect shot.

The only problem was getting there.

To reach the waterfall, I had to hike for two days before I would be able to see it. I am already on my second day of hiking, and according to the map, I should be there by sunset.

Assuming everything goes as planned.

I know as soon as I think that, everything is going to go immediately wrong, right?

Hopefully not.

I swat at yet another bug.

I might not make it before these insects eat me alive.

My legs are riddled with mosquito bites, despite the repellant I used earlier, and reapplied eight times after that, and my hiking boots are caked in mud. I frown, because when I bought them, they were really cute, and I was hoping to keep them that way.

Oh well.

I continue on, ignoring the mud on my boots and letting the stinging nettle brush at my ankles until I’ve had enough. I pause to pull my socks up farther for a bit more protection, wincing as my thumb brushes a tender cut.

Note to self; next time, wear pants, not shorts.

With the back of my hand I wipe sweat from my brow and sigh.

As I whip my head away violently, to try and escape the bugs, I notice most of the monkey calls have faded into the distance, save for one. I can hear it up ahead, ear bleeding as ever. But something feels wrong.

I speed up a bit, and push past the plants and roots of banyan trees so I can see what's causing this monkey to scream so loudly, and why it's scream is the only one I hear.

And then I see it. A hollowed out gourd with a small hole drilled, just big enough for the monkey's hand, sitting on top of a low laying rock.

A little ball of fur sits next to the gourd, its little wrist swallowed in the tiny hole.

"Hey, little guy," I whisper. "Want some help with that?"

He gives out a deafening cry and shakes his head as if he can understand me. I close my eyes and wait for my ears to stop ringing.

In the wilderness safety class I took before coming out here, our teacher told us about the monkey traps and how the animals were ever persistent and the locals used that against them. 

Poor things.

I know I’m not supposed to (we were told to leave the traps be.) but I can’t help it, I have to release the animal. 

Despite being unnecessarily loud, the monkeys are also darling. Ignoring my training, I inch closer and reach out. I wrap my fingers around the tail end of the gourd, hoping to pull it off the monkey's wrist. But he won't let go of the fruit inside the gourd.

I'm probably releasing one of the natives' dinner, or some child's cruel trick, but it’s glimmering eyes shine up at me. I can see the persistence in its large amber irises.

But despite all my efforts, this ornery - if adorable- monkey won't let go of the fruit.

So I look at it one last time, debating. 

The Monkey clearly wants that fruit at whatever cost, and if it refuses help, so be it.

"Fine," I say, sticking out my tongue. I know it's childish, but there is no one to see me right now. "I tried to help you. All you need to do is let go,” I urge once more. “And you will be free."

The monkey makes a face back, ever tenacious, and I kick the rock on which he and the gourd sit.

I immediately regret it.

My foot throbs as I walk onwards, forgetting about the nasty, stubborn animal. 

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I set up camp first, and then - around sunset as promised - I find the waterfall. But since I am taking a midnight shot, I have to wait for the moon to be in the perfect position. 

To evade the relentless assaults of the bugs, I decide that it is better to wait in my tent instead of out in the open. But once the silvery moon was up, I would use its light to guide me to the waterfall.

I stare out of the sheer fabric at the top of the tent, waiting for my moment. 

As soon as I see it peek through the brambles of the large banyan nearby, I hurry to grab my camera and equipment. Once I was at the waterfall, I walked as close to it as I dared. Above, the stars were shining.

Nature is a beautiful thing. Despite the moon being bright, I can still see more stars than I can in the city, and it’s magical.

I aim the camera lense at the flowing water, and among the roaring of the fall, I hear a lone monkey shrill.



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A/N

I don't know if I can dedicate a story on here but... I just did. ;)

My dad gave me the inspiration for this story, bringing to light the concept of monkey traps.

The monkey sees the gourd, and wants what's in it. It then sticks it's hand inside, but cannot pull the food out, because it is to large to come out of the hole. Rather than let go, the monkey persists and holds on.

Stubborn as a Bull, or Stubborn as a Mule? I think we can add Stubborn as a Monkey, wouldn't you agree?

You know what the most annoying thing on the planet is?

Not being able to submit your story because the word count isn't big enough. I don't want to go in and add more detail because... ugh... work. (And also because I don't want to push it; if you know what I mean) But I suppose I must. I didn't just waste an hour of my day writing this whole thing out, only to not submit it. So here I go to edit, yet again. Yippee.

And yes, I am hoping that this extremely long Author's note will count as words.


Posted May 18, 2021
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43 likes 22 comments

KED KED
18:08 May 18, 2021

I didn't know about monkey traps! Poor stubborn guys...

This was written so fluidly. I loved how the story was interspersed with relatable commentary and your seamless use of relevant details to set the scene (stinging nettle, banyan trees, those dreaded mosquitos...). So good...

Nicely done!

Thank your dad for us! :)

Reply

Charli Britton
18:09 May 18, 2021

I will. :) Thank you so much.

Reply

Roger Scypion
04:14 Mar 02, 2023

Great story. Very well written. It reads like a fable. Kudos to you and dedicating this to your dad.

Reply

Charli Britton
16:39 Jan 07, 2025

Thank you!

Reply

A B
14:33 Sep 10, 2021

Haha stubborn monkey really cool story though

Reply

Philip Clayberg
16:09 May 21, 2021

Interesting story. I enjoyed reading it. Thank you for writing it.

A long time ago, I read the Mowgli stories in Rudyard Kipling's, "The Jungle Book". Monkeys can be *very* stubborn when they want to be. But, if you have a friend who is a huge snake named Kaa, even the monkeys pay attention to Kaa if they pay attention to no one else but the other monkeys (or the "Banderlog" as Kipling called them).

Editing comments:

The wretched screeches of the anthropoids [I think I know what you were referring to: something like howler monkeys (but they don't screech)]

I tried to block the noise, my ears were to the point of bleeding [Maybe change the comma to "because", and change "to the point" to "at the point"?]

but I was determined to get this picture, I couldn’t give up because of a few monkeys. [Maybe change the comma to a period, and then change "couldn't" to "wasn't going to"?]

I am on my second day of hiking, and according to the map, I should be there by sunset. [Maybe change "I am on" to "This was already"?]

My legs are riddled with mosquito bites [I would change "are" to "were". According to a later paragraph, she came dressed in shorts, instead of pants. Did she at least use any insect repellant spray? I guess not. If she's in the jungle, those mosquito bites could also be transmitting yellow fever or malaria or the like. It isn't just pants that help, but also insect repellant.]

ignoring the mud on my boots, letting the stinging nettle grab [I would change the comma to "and"] [Btw, I've seen both marine nettles (they look like jellyfish) and the plants called "nettles". I don't think the plant version would "grab" at anyone walking past them. The jellyfish, however, might decide a bare leg is worth "grabbing" at.]

I wipe sweat from my brow [Maybe add "the" before "sweat" - though it reads okay without "the"]

and why it's apart from the pack. [Maybe change "why it's apart" to "how it got separated"?]

it's little wrist swallowed in the tiny hole. ["it's" should be "its" (possessive article, not verb contraction)]

He gives out a deafening cry, and shakes his head [Maybe delete the comma (I don't think you need it)]

my teacher told us about the monkey traps [I would change "my" to "our", since she wasn't the teacher's only student]

, and how the animals were ever persistent, and the locals used that against them. [I would change the first comma to a colon, delete the first "and", change "ever persistent" to "ever-persistent", and delete the second comma.]

I know I’m not supposed to, we were told to leave the traps be, but I can’t help it, I have to release the animal. [I would say instead: I know I'm not supposed to (we were told to leave the traps alone) but I can't help it. I have to release the animal.]

the monkey's are also darling. ["monkey's" should be "monkeys" (plural noun, not a possessive)]

And ignoring my training, I inch closer, and reach out, wrapping my fingers around the tall end of the gourd, hoping to pull it off the Monkey's wrist, but he won't let go of the fruit inside. [This sounds like a run-on sentence. Maybe say instead: Ignoring my training, I inch closer and reach out. I wrap my fingers around the tail end of the gourd, hoping to pull it off the monkey's wrist. But he won't let go of the fruit inside the gourd.]

I'm probably releasing one of the native's dinner, or some child's cruel trick, but it's glimmering eyes shine up on me, and I know I must help free it. [This sounds like a run-on sentence. Maybe say instead: I'm probably releasing one of the natives' [plural possessive, not singular possessive] or some child's cruel trick, but its [possessive, not verb contraction] glimmering eyes shine up at me. I can see the desperation in its eyes. It knows that there is no one else who can free its hand from inside the gourd. I have a "what the heck" moment and decide to help.]

But this ornery, adorable monkey won't let go. [Maybe say instead: But despite all my efforts, this ornery - if adorable- monkey won't let go of the fruit.]

I know it's childish, but there is no one to see me right now. [maybe leave as is or delete the comma]

on which the gourd and he sits. [I would say: on which he and the gourd sits.]

The silver moon peaks through the trees, and I know it's time to get to the waterfall. I had found it earlier, around sunset as promised, but I had to set up camp first. Anyways, I was doing a midnight shot, I had to wait for the moon to be in the perfect position. I waited in my tent to evade the relentless bugs. [This paragraph had serious structure problems. I think I know what you meant to say and I'll try to fix it so that it reads that way: I set up camp first, and then - around sunset as promised - I found the waterfall. But since I was taking a midnight shot, I had to wait for the moon to be in the perfect position. To evade the relentless assaults of the bugs, I decided it was better to wait in my tent instead of out in the open. Once the silvery moon was up, I would use its light to guide me to the waterfall.]

I stared out the top of the tent, through it’s sheer fabric. [Maybe say instead: I stared out of the sheer fabric at the top of the tent.] [Also, in your draft, "it's" should've been "its" (the possessive instead of the verb contraction).]

I grabbed my camera and equipment; I walked as close as I dared to the edge, and indeed the stars were shining. But in the distance, I hear a lone monkey shrill. [Maybe say instead: I grabbed my camera and equipment. Once I was at the waterfall, I walked as close to it as I dared. Above, the stars were shining. [How were they so visible whe the moon was up? Maybe they weren't near the moon, so they were still visible?] But in the distance [ahead? right? left? behind?] I heard the call of a single monkey.]

It then sticks it's hand inside ["it's" (verb contraction) should be "its" (possessive)]

because it is to large to come out of the hole. ["to large" should be "too large"]

Reply

19:55 May 20, 2021

Objective: This is a story about a young photographer hiking who comes across a monkey in a monkey trap.

Its told mostly in first person present Progressive although there are also some sentiences written in second person, witch it’s a bit hard to read and comprehend without slowing down.

I think these second person sentences are meant to be the Young photographer’s thoughts but not all of them are italicized so I’m not positive. Some of it I read is a stream of consciousness during my second read through and that helped a little bit.

“Assuming everything goes as planned. (This one is italicized)

I know as soon as I think that, everything is going to go immediately wrong, right?(this seems to be a thought but it’s not italicized or in second person)

Hopefully not. (This one isn’t italicized but seems to be a thought)”

To me it’s just a touch unclear. Are we in her brain? Or are we outside her brain looking into her thoughts, the way a sad Christmas character looks through a window at happy Christmas family?

Also you repeated “And then I noticed” “And then I see it” “And then” a few times

Subjective: I liked this story, I’m not gonna lie I especially like the long personal note :~D. You have very clear and strong voice when you are speaking as the author to the reader. I can really hear you being frustrated. I think the reason it also made me laugh is because you were being really stubborn about not adding more to your short story which just fits the theme beautifully.

I personally wish there was a little bit more meat to the story but I understand because I read your note

As an aside I wrote a small section of my last story in first person present progressive to give it a shot. It was not easy my brain dose not work that way.

Reply

Charli Britton
20:18 May 20, 2021

Well, thank you for taking the time to read my story. I will definitely fix the italicization things. Normally I type on Google docs, but this time I typed it on the reedsy website so I will definitely go in and fix that. Thanks!

Reply

00:06 May 21, 2021

*Cheesy finger guns* No, thank you.

How long did it take you to write this?

Reply

Charli Britton
00:23 May 21, 2021

the comment? 30 seconds. The story... an hour or two? I've been told I type fast, but I don't really know.

Reply

00:56 May 21, 2021

Ding dang the story was only an hour or two. Kick butt and take tames why don't you?

Reply

Charli Britton
11:54 May 21, 2021

Well, when a story is properly inspired, it only takes that long. And I hate editing. xD
I just edit throughout the week kind of...

Reply

Daniel R. Hayes
04:58 May 19, 2021

Hi Charli,

This was really great!! I thought you did a wonderful job writing this story in first person. I also loved the fact that you dedicated this to your dad. That's really sweet, and I think more author's on here should do that ;)

I really enjoyed reading this, and thought it was really engaging. Fantastic job!! :)

Reply

Charli Britton
11:34 May 19, 2021

Thank you :)

Reply

Cole Lane
23:40 May 18, 2021

I like how the message of the story felt totally natural and yet it flowed within the prompt perfectly. I think I have been the monkey a few times myself lol holding onto something or someone with hopes of that fruit, knowing I should let go. Wow, I just got deep there lol. :) Oh by the way I have the opposite problem with the word count this week, I am at 4123 right now, ugh.

Reply

Charli Britton
23:44 May 18, 2021

Hahaha. thank you.
This word count thing is so frustrating right? I had the to many words problem with "Chosen Child"
and this problem obviously with this story and "Lavender Memories"
But you could always make it into two parts?

Reply

Loxie Oaks
20:28 May 18, 2021

This is so unique and it flowed so nicely! And, like Monica said, it just has that special, timeless feel to it. I loved it!

Reply

Charli Britton
20:34 May 18, 2021

Thank you Loxie!

Reply

Monica June
18:09 May 18, 2021

ooh- I found edits xD

"Hey little guy," I whisper.

Comma after Hey

I urge once more. “and you will be free."

capitalize the A!

alright, that's it :)

Reply

Charli Britton
18:10 May 18, 2021

ok, thank you. xD

Reply

Monica June
18:07 May 18, 2021

This was an awesome, short and simple story! I loved how the setting was a jungle, and the different elements you included in it. This story reminded me of a cautionary tale, those classic, timeless stories you learn about in school. I like the lesson, too, and the addition of that ending. The poor monkey just wont give up, will he? xD
Oh- and I think that author's notes should count for words. It's totally part of the story.

Reply

Charli Britton
18:09 May 18, 2021

Totally is. thanks you Monica. :)

Reply

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