True Family

I love sitting on my rocking chair. I started when I was just a cute little baby. I don’t remember it, but I have a photograph to prove it. 

In the photograph, I was two years old, dressed up in a snuggly azure jumpsuit, with little men who carried deadly-looking swords (seriously mom, that’s what you give a two year old to wear?) dotted on it which looked downright evil, like the little men wished with all their heart that they could come alive and take over the world with their charming looks.

Orion, my biological mom, wore a skinny denims and a fuchsia fleece. A dazzling smile lit up her face, and her gorgeous chestnut curls that reached down to her waist. As I’ve covered all of Orion’s pulchritudinous traits, it’s time to get to the weirdest part. It’s her face. How do I describe it? Well, her face makes her appear like an annoyed chipmunk-like she’s crammed lemons in her mouth since she was born(if you can visualize than, then you’re definitely cringing).

I’m on Orion’s lap and she’s gently rocking me on the mahogany chair she gave me as a goodbye gift before she sent me into foster care. I’m cuddling a beige teddy bear and I’m chewing on it’s ear like it tastes like the best thing in the world (gross! Mature much, me? But cut me some slack, I was a two year old).

But the thing that bothered me the most was the fact that me and Orion were laughing. From all the scattered, fragmented memories from the past I have of her, I don’t recall ever being happy near Orion. All I remember is Orion abusing and neglecting me.

I crumple the decrepit photograph, throw it on my lavender carpet and brutally stomp on it like I’d done a million times. But it doesn’t matter. I always pick it up gingerly, flatten it out scrutinizingly and posit it in my desk drawer after I’m done being all rage monster-y. Again, I do it. After all, it’s the only thing I posses from from my dark ages other than the rocking chair. 

I really want to get rid of that photo. I attempted shoving it in my school bully’s lunch as a lovely appetizer, feeding it to the pigeons and flushing it down the toilet, but every time, I chickened out or get caught.

When, I descry that photograph, it soothes and hurts me. It’s a beautiful, cruel thing that makes me ache in places I don’t know can hurt and fills me with joy to know that I’d experienced at least some kind of happiness when I was a bambino and that Orion had at least liked me a little bit. Okay, if there’s a prize for being the most conflicted person in the world, I’ll unequivocally win.

Orion gave me to foster care when I was six years old. It’s a gift, like a glimmer of light in the inky chasm- Orion releasing me to be happy. But it’s also a curse, knowing that there is someone out there who is my family, but doesn’t love me. My biological dad died before I was born, so that doesn’t count.

“My life sucks,” I grumble and kick the floor. 

As soon as I say it, my self-pity and indignation dissolves and replaces with guilt. I know what I said isn’t fair. Sure, my childhood wasn’t great, but now I have incredible friends, sufficient luxury, a roof over my head and principally, the best adoptive family I could ask for. They’d always treated me like I was one of their own and I’d always felt loved and cared for when I’m around them. And I know there are people out their who have a rougher life than I do.

But….that didn’t stop me from having a good cry once in a while.

“LUNA! Time for dinner,” Junie, my adoptive mom called.

“Coming, Junie,” I yell.

I rush out of my room and into the dining room. Junie, Acel (my adoptive father), and Rock (my brother, but not from DNA) were gathered around our wickedly expensive grenadil dining table. I grin when I glance at today’s menu. “Hey, my favorite food. Spaghetti!”

Acel laughed. “Of course! We have to celebrate you getting through seventh grade without burning down the school,” he teases.

“Aw, come I don’t get in THAT much trouble,” I say.

Rock expostulates, “Yes you do.” 

He opens his big, fat mouth to babble all my secrets, but thankfully, I’m a pro at giving dirty looks so that mercifully shut him up. Parents can be really evil when they’re cooking up punishments. But honestly, I didn’t want to be an even more of a burden for them. What if they thought I’m not good enough for them?

Before we could continue with our pleasant evening, a thundering knock pounded on the front door. Hey, who could arrive here at this time? This is like one of the scenes in the movies when everyone is at the edge of their seat, screaming at the TV : “Don’t do it!” Obviously, the actors do it anyway and head to their dooms (maybe that version’s a little exaggerated). I can’t help but feel a tingle of apprehension.

Junie unlatches the door and gawks at the obscured visitor.

“Is Luna here?” asked the mysterious visitor.

I gasp and I would have tripped over my feet and landed on my face if Rock hadn’t grabbed me to steady me. “I didn’t know you were such a big klutz,” he teases. 

Any other time, I would’ve produced a witty comeback, but my head had basically stopped functioning. Maybe the sight of spaghetti had affected my brain and made me wander into dream land. That must be it. Because there was absolutely NO WAY she would be here. Not after she’d abandoned me. Not here, not now, no way.

Then the woman questioned , “Is my daughter here? I would like to meet her, please.”

Rock blinked. “Daughter?” The he looked at me guilty, as if he was apologizing for forgetting that I’d been adopted. But that actually calmed down a few of the nerves that’d stirred up. At least he’d thought of me as family.

Colossal emotions churned in my stomach that made me want to sob and predominately punch walls. But substantially, I wanted to not feel right now. What I wouldn’t sacrifice to experience that.

Junie and Acel share a look and an agreement passes between them, and they glance at me for my permission. I nod weakly.

Junie moves out of the ajar front door’s way and says gingerly, “ Luna’s here. Come in.”

I glare at my feet as footsteps advance. I wonder if I can spend the rest of evening talking to my feet. Probably would make my neck break, but that’ll be better than glancing at Orion.

Acel grabs Junie’s and Rock’s hand and drags them towards the door to offer us privacy. I’m sure they thought it was helping, but it wasn’t. The tension between me and Orion was so thick, a knife wouldn’t be able to slice it. Even if a herd of elephants would walk through us or if the whole world was watching us, it would still make feel alone and it probably wouldn’t change anything except for a lot of elephant manure and humiliation.

Acel and Junie shot me a concerned look and Rocks eyes screamed, ‘Will you be okay?’ I wasn’t going to be okay any time soon, now that chipmunk-face is here. And just like that they were gone, leaving me with a mean lady I shared my blood with. The world felt like it was crumbling under my feet.

Orion’s voice sounds as commanding as ever when she says, “Look at me.”

No, ‘I love you.’ No ‘I missed you.’ No ‘ I’m sorry for abandoning you for six years? I’m sorry I never checked on you to make sure if you were hurt or needed anything.’ If she wasn’t going to say it, then I should ditch the hope and expectation altogether.

My neck decides to be evil and commences aching. I distinguish that I’m not going to be able to pull this off without glancing at her, so for the first time in life, I listen to my teacher’s advice: “Better do it now than later.” 

I scrutinize her. Her face had developed wrinkles, making her appear like an uglier chipmunk than she is. Orion was dressed up fancier than I recalled with an expensive looking teal leather purse slung over her shoulder (probably could afford more luxurious items now that she’d gotten rid of me). She didn’t smile at me and I’m  thankful for it, because if she did, I would’ve savvied that it was a fake.

 Do you want to know what it feels like to reunite with your mom after six years of ignorance? It‘s equivalent to being trapped underwater and suddenly, a shark sneaks up on you and you’re petrified, staring at the shark’s murderous face, wondering if you’ll ever see the sun anew. The shark blinks, as if telepathically communicating : “Welcome do your doom, weakling. You’ll make a lovely snack. My handsome face is the last thing you’ll see. Isn’t that just delightful?”

Maybe she wouldn’t get incandescent if I threw spaghetti in her snooty face. What? She deserves it.

“Luna,” Orion says.

The tenderness in her voice baffled me. I wasn’t used to her saying my name like that. I remembered her saying my name roughly, laced with displeasure, disappointment and hate. It was six years ago, but when your mom abuses you…kinda hard to forget.

Orion takes a steps towards me. When I don’t endeavor to immobilize her, she comes closer. She’s neighboring enough that I can smell her perfume-it smells malodorous and just sinister, if that’s possible.

I corroborate my tone is entwined with revolt and loathing before I snap, “Orion-”

“No,” Orion interrupts. “Call me mom.”

For a second, I was inordinately stunned, then a bitter laugh escapes. “No. Just no. What happened to the six years I WANTED to call you mom?”

Orion sighs. “I admit I was a little-”

“Little?” I demand.

“Well, maybe a lot. But, Luna, I’m….sorry.” Orion’s voice cracked.

My head spun in turmoil. Okay, she is officially an alien disguised as my biological mom. Because Orion would never admit that. She would rather run around the neighborhood screaming : “I don’t floss!” Orion had NEVER apologized to me before.

Orion reaches to touch my cheek, but I jerk away. 

“Stop, Orion! Just don’t. I don’t care if you’re sorry. You HURT me, Orion. A lot, more than you can ever know. Do you know how many nights I would curl up in a ball on my bed and sob? To feel like nobody in the world loves me? You caused me to feel that way. Being sorry isn’t going to change that.” I blink, realizing I’d yelled that loud enough that Junie, Acel and Rock had patently heard. It’s always excruciating when somebody brings up my mom. I’d always wanted to fit in with them. Is that too much to ask for?”

Orion looks stunned. I’d never yelled at her in my life. Orion lowers her eyes and one forlorn tear slips. I wanted to console her and say that I’m sorry, but that would be considered lying. On the other hand, I yenned to yell at her some more for what a miserable mom she is. I want to HURT her. Like she had done to me a million times.

Shattering the blissful silence, Orion reveals, “I’m sorry, Luna. I really am.” She stares at me with her mournful, shattered hazel eyes. “I wish I could change the past, but you can’t rewrite it. But I can learn from it. Forgive me?”

When I don’t rejoinder, Orion recommences, “Do you know why your father and I named you Luna?”

I’d seldom wondered that. Luna means moon. Maybe they named me it because they thought of me as a cold and blank girl. Someone colorless, someone who’s expected to orbit around the earth (my biological parents). Have you ever gazed at the moon at night? When it’s a full moon, it’s minuscule  noticeable. But usually, it’s tiny and small, taking up a little space in the pulchritudinous, starry sky. Maybe that’s how they see me. Something insignificant and unworthy of their attention.

Orion arched her eyebrow, as if provoking my temptation to ask. If that’s her intention, then : ‘Job well done.’ My body inflamed. I wasn’t letting her win.

“Stubborn, stubborn,” Orion mummers, her mouth twitching. “Just like your father. Anyways, we named you Luna because when you were in my tummy, you always kicked when we saw the moon together and you made your mommy squeal like a pig. I don’t know if it was maternal instincts, but I comprehended that you were beatific. An another reason we baptized you Luna was because me and your father wanted you to shine bright, so the whole world would see you. Like a glimmer of hope in the darkest hour.”

I slump on the lavender chesterfield with infinitesimal ersatz pearls embroidered in it. I hug my knees. “I don’t believe you. You never treated me with tenderness. You never showed that you loved me.”

Orion’s tone is hard and cold as she admits, “I don’t love you.”

My throat burns and a tear courses down my cheek, but chiefly, my heart aches, if that’s possible. I don’t know why that stung me so much or even flummoxed me. I’d received some perspicacious signs than she didn’t love me. I’d known that, so why does it hurt so much?

“I don’t love you,” she repeats, making me punch the cushion. “That’s why I’m here.”

“YOU’RE HERE BECAUSE YOU DON’T LOVE ME?” I yell and restrict a groan. Acel, Rock and Junie undeniably heard this too.

Orion nods.“Precisely.”

“Why don’t you rub it in more? Now that you’d so brutally declared it, why don’t you just go away? I need a break from your-”

“Luna,” Orion adjourns , terminating my antagonistic rant. “I arrived here because I want to learn to love you. Because right now, I don’t. It’s the brutal truth that makes me feel like a devil. I’m sorry if it discountenanced you, but you wouldn’t want me to lie, would you?”

“I guess not,” I mumble and hug my knees tighter, unsure what to think or feel.

Orion plops down next to me, reaches into her purse, and extract something from it. It’s the beige teddy bear from the photograph. She hands it to me, and I gingerly accept it as if it were an explosive device that vomits puke. The beige teddy bear’s fur is short and stiff, and part of it has been shaved off (don’t wanna know how that happened). I geniality caress the poor chewed ear. He feels like a long lost companion.

“You named him Mr.Popcorn Pants,” Orion informs.

Mr.Popcorn Pants glared at me through his sparkly silver eyes as if saying : “You’re in huge trouble, missy. You abandoned me for so long, now you’re obliged to give me a major play date time.”

I whisper, “Hello Mr.Popcorn Pants.”

“I want to spend time together. Originate a relationship. Reconnect . Your father died and that really shook me up more than I’d expected. When the love of your life dies, it messes you up. Makes you into something your not. I know how I acted in your childhood, but please give me an another chance.” There was genuine guilt and desperation in her voice.

I was très tempted to say yes, but there was one crucial question remaining. “When and where are we gonna hang out?”

Orion smiles and I feel my heart flutter. Maybe there is hope for us. She says, “When you come live with me right now. Leave this disgusting, snooty family behind forever.”

Before I know it, I’m standing up and glaring at her, flaming rage burning in my veins. How could I have let her deceive me into thinking she’d actually changed? Well, she may have a little, but not enough for me to forgive her.

“No.” My voice is dangerously low. “This family has the people who cares for me. Something that you never did. I’m not moving in with you. You know what, I don’t even want to reconnect anymore.”

Orion flinches like I’d slapped her. “Luna-“

“I just have one, crucial question for you,” I interrupted. “You ignored me for six years. I. WANT. THE TRUTH. Why do you want to reconnect now?”

“You want the truth? Fine, I’ll give you the truth.” Orion stands up and gazes at me with brumal, hard eyes. “I was angry, Luna.”

I blink, befuddled. “Why? I’d never caused you any trouble.”

“Not directly. But having you caused trouble. I was angry because men turned me away because I was a single mother. I was angry because I’d to spend so much money taking care of you. You seemed like a burden-”

“Get out,” I interrupt. “Never see me again.”

“I always knew you were a disappointment.” Orion stomps away, out through the front door.

I crumple to the ground, sobbing. Suddenly, three pairs of arms wrap around me.

I whisper, “She called me a burden and a disappointment.”

Junie says, “If it makes you feel any better, we think that you’re one amazing girl.”

Acel adds, “This is something we regret not saying sooner. We love you, Luna. Nothing will change that.”

Rock includes, “You’re family, sis.”

I wipe away my tears. I was done crying for a woman who shared my DNA, not my mother.

“Thanks. Mom. Dad. Rock.” The words felt right.

I laugh. Having a family who cares about you is the best happily ever after I could ask for.