The jewel of Grjnztwxu™

Eternal rest calls to you, hero. Your time must not run out until the jewel of Grjnztwxu rests in the Palace of Wonders once again. Make haste, for the fate of all humanity rests on your shoulders. Rise out of the ashes and walk the earth once more. < casts resurrection >

Well then that’s that, where’s my sudoku? Has anyone seen my sudoku? Like a piece of paper with checkers on it, haven’t you seen one before? Enlighten me, what do they call it in Sparta? Gay. That’s funny… You’re a funny man, are you sure you were a soldier and not a comedian? What the? Hero you’re back! Eternal rest calls to you like I’ve said a few minutes ago. Make haste, save the world, I believe in you. < casts resurrection once again >

Christ, this is The Champion? He didn’t even last a day out there. Time? It’s faster here, like way faster. That’s what? That’s what she said. Spartan, you’re on a roll. This one time I was harvesting souls on some hilltop in the middle of nowhere where two armies… What the hell is this? Hero, the fuck happened? Dragon? Dragon deez nuts, that’s right Spartan. There are no dragons in your realm, mighty hero. Fight the goblins and take the jewel back to the castle. That’s what you guys do every cycle before we obliterate your universe and start over. Very well: from hell’s forge I grant you this mighty two-hander. It will cleave any dragon in two. Don’t you like swords? A bow?! Fucking dex builders… Fine, here is a magical bow. Will you stop that Spartan? He’s a hero just like you, please show some respect. That word is inappropriate and will get you cancelled. < sighs and casts resurrection >

That was strange, I never heard of a dragon in those lands. I guess there’s no harm in keeping it fresh and new. That’s how art is created, you know? Taking people out of their comfort zone and introducing them to new concepts. Is that so? You don't  strike me as an art lover, spartan. Body art, what’s that? That is disgusting, what the hell is wrong with you? I’ve never in my life seen someone stuff a man’s head up another man’s ass, stick it on a pedestal, and expect people to clap. Yeah maybe I don’t get it. What do you call that? Seeing my inner child. Spartan, you… forget it. This motherfucker again.

< puffs from cigarette > Alright look hero: you need to get that jewel to the castle. In your town there’s a potion shop. Stock up on health and mana potions. Buy a helmet from the smith because they block critical hits. Why not? Bro, just tie your ponytail lower, it will fit. Yeah, just tie two pigtails like spartan said. No, don't wear lipstick. Don't mind him, he's an artist, just focus on me. There’s a chest in the dungeon behind the well. Yep just go down there, kill ten rats and then get the armor. Chainmail. Not enough strength? You should have xp to level up after those rats. What about the bow? Of course it’s not there anymore. If you drop an enchanted, dragon-slaying, end-level, one of a kind masterpiece, forged in the depths of hell in the middle of the street, someone will snatch it. Alright forget the dungeon, travel by sea to the islands. Behind the orange bush there’s another chest but you need to lockpick it. With your dexterity it shouldn't be a problem. WHAT? There are people all over the world who will teach you how to do things, like picking locks. Show me your character sheet lets see what you levelled up: jumping, cooking and charisma. Are you roleplaying as a wife? You need to kill things, hero. There’s an entire army of goblins that you alone have to slay to get the jewel not to mention the trolls, lizardmen, cannibals, etc. What will jumping do? Give you buns of steel for your goblin-daddy to smack while you serve him dinner and a blowjob? I’m not mad, just disappointed. Your people regard you as their only hope, without you they are literally fucked. Charisma? Unless you plan on romancing the demon lord who guards the jewel I don’t see you finishing this quest. Yes, spoiler alert, a demon lord. By the way he wears a human skin tunic, puts lotion on to keep it soft. Don’t worry we have a perfectly good hero at home: spartan. He will rise once again to walk the earth and save humanity. Oh, you object, hero? < beheads human with scythe > there you go spartan, another one for your art project. 

Let’s fire up the old crystal ball and watch. Look at that he’s already in the next town. Goblins are no match for his strength. He’s just painting the wall with those things. Nice plate armor, fire sword, enchanted helmet that’s the way to do it. Hey guys check this out: spartan is fighting ice giants. Oh, shit did you see that? He broke it in half, my god! There's no coming back from that. Right through its eyeball. You know spartan? Did he know? Impressive, most impressive…There it is, the dragon. Jeez, look at the size of that thing. How’s he going to take it down, place your bets. What in the nine hells is he doing? Did he just tame a dragon? Bringing fiery death from above. That’s got to be a record, wiping out the demon fortress in under two minutes. Now there’s a hero: atop a dragon, choking the demon lord till his eyes pop out, surrounded by a thousand burning corpses. 

Well met, champion! You saved humanity again, peace will reign for another thousand years. Would you like to live among people for another day or so before your eternal rest? An art gallery? What the heck, I'll come with you. Fine, do you still have his head? Hey buddy, wake up. Spartan would like a sandwich.