Stop Being So Lovey-dovey

Love can't be stopped. However, Wormtail, the head Warden of Hell's first circle, swore he would.

A committee of demons assigned with a unique task anxiously waited in Wormtail's hottest conference room. The luxurious temperature, usually not felt above the fourth circle, reminded them of their exile to Hell's Siberia. Each one failed in previous assignments so horrendously that the big guy himself threw their butts all the way to the first circle – the coldest and most dreaded for demons.

The door swung violently open, and they all jumped as their boss stormed to his seat at the head of the table.

"So, the old couple is at it again. You told me you had it under control." Wormtail slammed his fist on the table. "Is this what you call under control?!"

No one spoke. Each one studied the table intently, refusing to make eye contact.

"Well! Is it?" Wormtail shouted.

Everyone jumped again. 

Wormtail pinched the bridge of his nose and closed his eyes.

"Splitjaw, tell me in your words what happened."

Splitjaw trembled. He grabbed a sheet from his folder and tried to read his report. Unfortunately, he shook so violently he could not make out a word. He placed it on the table and focused.

"On day 1,457,231,490 of Eternal Damnation, Mr. and Mrs. Longbee held hands while waiting in line for soggy bread." Splitjaw stopped reading and interjected, "A program I initiated." He couldn't help himself. He kisses butt, which is the main reason for his exile. "My program is responsible for a 5.7 percent rise in gloom and hopelessness, which I might add is the largest increase since day 1,120,459,211."

"Yes, we all know how successful your program has been; now stop brown-nosing and stick with the Longbees."

Splitjaw cleared his throat, "An imp on patrol caught the couple holding hands while waiting in line for soggy bread, which violates the code of conduct, section 1, paragraph C. He issued a citation and ordered them to cease."

"Did they?"

"Yes, Warden, but as soon as the imp turned his back, they did it again."

"This is why we're here, gentle demons. This kind of behavior cannot be tolerated. I want suggestions, and I want them now."

One demon said, "We could cast them down to circle two or three."

"Brillant. Why didn't I think of that?" Wormtail jumped out of his chair. "Because I have, you dense bag of belly lent! None of the lower Wardens will have them!"

"We could bind them in chains, like in circle seven," another said.

"What's your name?" Wormtail asked.

"Crackshin."

"Have you read Circle One's Prisoner Policy?"

"I have."

"I admire your lie. It speaks well of you. Nevertheless, if you don't read it by the time we meet again, I'll hang you by your feet and let the prisoners use you as a pinata."

Crackshin gulped, "Yes, sir."

Wormtail continued, "Because the prisoners in circle one missed heaven by a tiny margin, they're almost good and, therefore, can't be chained, tortured, or maimed in any way. However, I want to commend you for suggesting the idea. I like how you think."

The room went silent. Each demon hoped some other demon had an idea. Wormtail began strumming his fingers on the table until someone shouted out.

"Gossip."

"What was that?"

The demon slouched in his chair and weakly repeated, "Gossip."

"Give me your name, and explain." Wormtail grabbed a pen and began to write.

"Cuffback." He squirmed in his chair. "If we separate the Longbees and convince them the other is saying horrible things about them, we might be able to cut their love in two."

"I like it. It has merit. Make it happen. I expect a report next week."

The following week, Cuffback gave his report.

"On the order of our glorious Warden, I separated the Longbees and filled their tiny brains with the most outrageous gossip I could come up with. As a result, the Longbees began trashing each other using despicable names like: dearest, beloved, honey, and sweetie pie." Cuffback shuddered. "Clearly, my plan has caused a rift between the old couple, and we should be free of their public displays of affection."

The other demons clapped and nodded until Wormtail held up his hand to silence them.

"I understand why you all are confused. We seldom hear cursing on such a level. And if we cursed like that, Lucifer himself would wash out our mouths with sulfur. However, humans see it differently. They use them as terms of endearment." Wormtail glared menacingly, "You did not succeed. You failed."

At that moment, a demon walked in and handed Wormtail a piece of paper.

"I just received a report that one of our imps caught the Longbees kissing." Wortail scanned the room. "Kissing!" He shouted. "Kissing!" He shouted even louder. "You dweebs better find a way to put an end to this, or I'll tie you all to stakes and allow the Longbees to skip around you while holding hands."

The demons cringed like someone had scratched a chalkboard with their nails.

Splitjaw raised his hand. "What if we accidentally leave the gate open and unguarded when the Longbees take one of their sickening hand-holding walks?"

"What are you saying? Hell is eternal damnation! For Satan's sake, no one just walks out."

"Yes, but if they did. They'd no longer be your problem."

Wormtail paused. The thorns in his side would disappear: no more lovey-dovey couple, memos from below, or jeers. He knew the other wardens whispered and laughed behind his back. All this could be gone in an instant. 

"I'm going to leave the room. I'm placing Splitjaw in charge during my absence. I don't need or want to know the decisions made. Understand?"

Wormtail leaned back in his chair and propped his feet on his desk. He felt lighter. Today should be the day all his problems vanished. He imagined the unguarded gate and the Longbee's surprise. He pictured them cautiously approaching the barrier, looking around, then dashing for freedom. He laughed.

An alarm jolted him from his fantasy. A voice boomed over the loudspeakers, "Prisoner escape! Prisoner escape!" He smiled, "If you can't stop love, make it Heaven's problem."