What do we want? Back stories! When do we want them? Now! The Halfway House for Disgruntled Characters Pt 3.

It all started with little, golden-haired Limpet asking with childish innocence ‘Where did I come from?’ which could have been dismissed as a Birds and the Bees question.

It all started when Thurifer Dwarf the Exwyrminator needed a birth certificate to register his cart.

It all started when Portly Scribe Aforementioned needed more information about an applicant for King Arthur’s Medical Benefits Scheme and realized he did not have any of that information about himself.

It all started when the merchant asked the tavern owner “so were you born in these parts?”

It all started when one of the ladies’ maids at Camelot was asked where she had worked previously.

It came to a head when Sir Lancelot du Lac wanted to pay into accounts for Unnamed Manservant 1 and Unnamed Manservant 2 and was forced to pay in unrecorded cash diamonds.

It gained momentum with social equity japes about the rights of non-canon characters in Dagonet the Jester’s court entertainment. That was considered inappropriate and offensive as Dagonet the Jester was known to boast about his illustrious backstory dating back to the 11th century. Then it was realized that Dagonet was a Celebrity Canon Character jumping on the bandwagon and that he was actually seeking to endorse the cause.

It gained further momentum with the return to the Fog Lake and surrounding mountains of the thousands of unnamed petty kings of the Britons with their entourages, Roman centurions and cavalry, Celtic clansmen in their clan colours, woad covered Picts, Saxons, Vikings, monks, hermits, Druids, the people of Avalon, and assortment of horses, dogs and mythical creatures who had attended the audition for characters to be included in Little Plump Jo’s writing.

It became a wide spreading, grassroots movement.

In a semi-related manner Charlotte-Elaine, The Lady of Shalott and Entrepreneur owner of Charlotte’s Web Weaving (the former Elaine the Fair, Elaine the Lovely, The Lily Maid of Astolat) wrote an impassioned article for the Weekend Supplement of Proclamation Parchments titled I Escaped the Tyranny of Canon Character Expectations and created my own story.

Of course there was push back. Canon Characters like Sir Turquine, Sir Carados and Sir Breuse Sans Pitie felt a sense of Canon Character Entitlement to imprison dozens of nameless and unbackstoried characters.

A protest march was announced to be held the following week and the various groups huddled to create banners and compose slogans.

Malory Tennyson said it was all Little Plump Jo’s fault and that he was not impressed.

“You have the privilege of being an Artisan in Residence here in my Cloudbank Cabin for Arthurian Studies to witness authentic canon characters (according to the definitions of my writings under the pen names of Sir Thomas Malory and Alfred, Lord Tennyson) re-enacting their roles and to record faithfully in your own writings, thereby contributing to the illustrious Canon of Arthuriana. Why have you created new Non-Canon Characters who are demanding the rights which belong to Canon Characters?”

When Malory left Cloudbank Cabin for the afternoon, Sir Lancelot du Lac commanded the presence of Merlin, his cousin Sir Bors and Little Plump Jo and her five overexcitable Dabrowski Dog writing companions at his bedside in the newly imagine-added rear suite of rooms in Cloudbank Cabin. He had been hidden there since he had fractured his femur trying to avoid re-enacting the final scenes in Malory’s Morte d’Arthur where he would cause the death of Elaine of Astolat and be instrumental in the downfall of Camelot.

Lancelot had caused a glitch in the Fog Lake by going off-script, intending to be wounded badly enough to not have to participate in those next chapters. He had wanted to go his castle Joyous Garde to recover to prevent rumours about his affair with Queen Guinevere. But his best friend, King Arthur, had insisted that he should stay in Camelot, even telling him Guinevere would be coming to sit with him. Imaginational Dabrowski had solved the problem by setting up The Halfway House for Disgruntled Characters.

“I have been given much time to reflect and to talk to God,” Lancelot said. “I understand that I have lived a life of privilege. I have a name, a title, and a detailed back story. At first I was angry that there were single use, disposable characters with no backstory. I cannot give individualized notes of appreciation and official pay slips to my servants because they lack a name. I am forced to make a cash payment which is unofficial and also lacking in dignity. No character deserves to be treated like that!”

“But then I realized that it is not only the new Non-canon Characters that have been affected by this. The characters in Malory Tennyson’s works are affected also. How many nameless opponents have I defeated in tournaments? How many nameless men have I slain in battle? Is it any more wrong to slay someone who has a name than one who does not? How many nameless people have cooked my meals, cleaned my rooms, repaired my armour, cared for my horses? Even my horses and dogs have names. Heureux, my companion dog, even has his own back story. And is this right? No, every character deserves a name and a back story!”

“I see more clearly now the type of kingdom that King Arthur is trying to create. This time in The Halfway House for Disgruntled Characters has been a real revelation to me. I want to thank you, Imaginational Dabrowski for your vision and foresight to create this retreat space. I have not yet decided whether I will return to the Fog Lake re-enactments.

But I do know that I want to support the Back Stories Movement and I want to participate in the protest march. I need you to organize my ability to appear in a way that will not compromise the location and anonymity of The Halfway House for Disgruntled Characters.”

“You could travel in a closed litter”

“I was thinking more that I could drive an open chariot drawn by my finest, most spirited horses; so that it can be seen that it is I (C’est moi!) who is supporting this movement. I am more concerned about how I can get to the march assembly point and then back here without this retreat being discovered.

“Wow!” said Sir Bors (actually he probably said Huzzah). “Now he is actually beginning to sound like a worthy future king of Benoic. That is the earliest, fastest, piece of character development I have ever seen in my cousin! We usually have to go though a series of stays with wise hermits, confessional sessions with monks and failed attempts to find the Holy Grail before we get to this stage.”

The following week the protest march wound its way down the mountain sides and through the Fog Lake to the space just in front of the porch of Cloudbank Cabin.

There were banners with slogans such as Value Non-Canon Characters! and Don’t Write Us Off! and Give Us Our Backstories! and Backstories for All! and Call Us By Name!

There were chants called out first by one and then repeated by others

Chant Leader Number 1:What do we want? Names! When do we want them? Now!

Response: What do we want? Names! When do we want them? Now!

Chant Leader Number 2 : What do we want? Back stories! When do we want them? Now!

Response: What do we want? Back stories! When do we want them? Now!

Chant Leader Number 3 : We all have names!

Response: We all have names!

Chant Leader Number 4: We all have stories!

Response: We all have stories!

Plagiarizing Chant Leader (who had possibly mistakenly joined the wrong march) : We are all individuals!

Sheeplike Response : We are all individuals!

Single voice with a Cockney accent (who definitely joined the wrong march!) I’M NOT!

The marchers came to a halt and arranged themselves in a semi-circle.

One by one the Chant Leaders took hold of a megaphone and spoke.

“I’m NOT Chant Leader Number 1 I am Fiery Finn Flannagan. I came over on the boat with Tristram to make my fortune training horses. I have lots of colourful stories about my life. Not really wise to tell all of them right now. But come and talk to me up at the tavern later and I can tell you plenty of stuff about King Mark. Oops Maybe I shouldn’t have said that bit!

I believe we all have a name and a story and our stories should be told!”

“I’m NOT Chant Leader Number 2. I am Jovial Janny Joiner who works in the tavern. I was born in this area and have lived here all my life. I have three older brothers and a younger sister. I like roasted chestnuts and going a-maying!

I believe we all have a name and a story and our stories should be told!”

“I’m NOT Chant Leader Number 3. I am Daggy Drustan or Durstan or Dristan or some such. It never gets spelled the same way twice. I am a great fan of Jester Dagonet and I take my hat off to him (here he removed a jingling jesters hat from his head and waved it in the air) I take my motley hat off to him for his work in raising awareness through the social commentary of his japes and being our Cause Celebrity Three cheers for Dagonet – Huzzah! Huzzah! Huzzah!

I believe we all have a name and a story and our stories should be told!”

“I’m NOT Chant Leader Number 4 Noo! I am Angus of Argyle, second cousin once removed to Sir Gawain of Orkney. When I was just a wee lad I saw the Loch Ness beestie wi ma own eyes!

I believe we all have a name and a story and our stories should be told!”

“What is your chosen adjective, Angus?”

“Well, here is the thing. I wanted to use Amiable; but my friend, Mac, said ‘noo, ye are a grumpy old fart Angus! Ye should choose Avaricious.’ But I said noo, I am noo avaricious. I am merely Thrifty! But thrifty does noo begin with an A”

At this point Plagiarizing Chant Leader and Single voice with a Cockney accent slipped away quietly before the megaphone passed to them and they would be required to tell their stories.

The marchers started to share around the semi circle, stating their name with a suitable adjective and adding a sentence about their own story.

Malory Tennyson, watching from his porch, was horrified. “This is outrageous! This is scurrilous! These Unnamed Non- Canon Characters have no right to demand the rights reserved for Named Canon Characters.

The crowd of marchers parted to allow a wheelchair with an extended leg board to be pushed to the front. No one would ever know how Merlin had managed to get Sir Lancelot du Lac to the assembly point without disclosing the existence of The Halfway House for Disgruntled Characters. It was not quite the grand entrance in a chariot drawn by splendid, spirited horses that Lancelot had hoped to use. But the effect of his presence in the midst of the marchers prompted a great cheer. Lancelot was handed the megaphone to address the crowd.

“It is not only Unnamed Non- Canon Characters who are affected by this.”

The characters in Malory Tennyson’s works are affected also.

I regret to say that I have failed to give regard and dignity to hundreds of unnamed characters. I acknowledge that I have lived a life of privilege. I have a name, a title, and a detailed back story and I have been served by single use, disposable characters with no backstory." He repeated the passionate speech he had been mentally preparing.

"How many nameless opponents have I defeated in tournaments? How many nameless men have I slain in battle? Is it any more wrong to slay someone who has a name than one who does not? How many nameless people have cooked my meals, cleaned my rooms, repaired my armour, cared for my horses? Even my horses and dogs have names. Heureux, my companion dog even has his own back story. And is this right? No, every character deserves the dignity of having a name and a back story!"

"Even today, I hoped to come driving a fine chariot drawn by fine spirited horses. But I could not manage to even stand in the chariot, let alone control the horses. Many have helped me to be here today and I want to acknowledge that. I will not be naming them publicly, but they know who they are and I will be calling each of them by name from now on and asking how their ailing grandmother is faring, or where the best fishing spots are found. In fact, as you see, I am not even well enough today to propel my own wheelchair and demonstrate my superb upper body strength. (He inserted a laugh here trying to indicate that he making a joke against himself, referencing his previous reputation for boasting) But I say to you that I am grateful.

I am here to say that every character is an individual with a name and their own story.

I demand that they receive the recognition they deserve in future retellings, Malory Tennyson!”

Malory Tennyson’s face turned an interesting shade of puce. He spluttered. “This is treason, Sir Lancelot du Lac. You are stepping outside your prescribed role. By demanding their equality, you are turning the peasants and no names against the king.

If King Arthur were to hear of this….”

Sun rays beamed down through the Cloudbank as the man pushing the wheelchair straightened up and stepped forward.

“I am King Arthur!” he said and clapped Lancelot playfully on the shoulder. The joke about the outcome of the first encounter between the pair had never ceased to amuse them both.

“I am King Arthur, I am here! My advisor, Merlin, made me aware of this pivotal moment in history which is unfolding here today! And I declare that this is the true spirit of Camelot – the spirit of service and equality that our Round Table symbolizes.

Not Might IS Right – but Might FOR Right! Freedom and Justice for all! And justice includes recognizing the right of every character to have a name and to have their own story to tell.

Shame faced Malory Tennyson sank in a low bow to King Arthur.

All the protest marchers and all those on the porch of Cloud Cabin bowed and curtsied to King Arthur as he reclaimed the handles of the wheelchair.

He was heard to say, “I don’t know where you have been, Lance. But let’s get you back to Camelot now. Sir Urre of Hungary has come seeking the greatest of my knights - the one who can lay hands on his wounds and heal them. We have all tried. I tried first to encourage the others but nobody succeeded.”

“Surely if so many have tried and failed it would be presumption of me to try,” said Lancelot.

Malory Tennyson rejoiced. “Sir Lancelot is back on script! Let the Fog Lake re-enactments recommence!”

“But with proper respect given to all characters both Canon and Non-Canon” he added as an afterthought.

Lancelot turned his head to look up at Arthur. “Please do not allow her majesty to go a-may-ING. It will be a few months before I can even put any weight on this leg. I would not be able to ride in the cart, cross the sword bridge, fight Meleagrance and climb the tower wall to her chamber (Oh, I probably should not have mentioned that part)

A little smile played on King Arthur’s face. “Do not worry about that. You have been out of it for a bit. We are already into July. Funny thing! The Maying was washed out this year.

Since The Glitch in the Fog Lake and Cloudbank, which happened during your combat with Sir Mador de la Porte, the weather has not been quite so Camelot-perfect all the year!”

“I am SO sorry, Arthur. I have really made a chaos of things, n’est ce pas?”

“I can guess at your motives for going off script. And I know we are facing some tough days ahead. But I want you beside me in Camelot and we will face the future together.”

Sir Lancelot bowed his head and said quietly “Yes, my King!”