A FOREVER LOVE

Eyes red and swollen due to my never ending stream of tears that had been flowing for three days. I turned to face my bedside table where my phone was and as I wrapped my fingers around it, I knew instinctively that I would not find what I am hoping to find but I remained hopeful. My thumb presses hard on the side button of my phone, making the screen light up. His picture wass the first thing that greeted my eyes, making me blink a few times because I can not afford more tears though I seemed to have an abundance. A year of experiencing the perfect love only to have him take his love without any explanation, left me in pieces. After treating him like a king, all I got to show for it was a text that read "I'm not ready for a commitment, sorry". He made me believe that we were committed to one another but as it turned out, I was in the relationship alone. My heart sank lower than it did three days ago when I looked at my phone's screen finding no messeges nor calls from him. I forced myself to put the phone down gently because all of me wanted to throw it against a wall as a release but Brian, my boyfriend or rather ex boyfriend according to recent events might call while I try to put together a broken phone and I could not have that I could not miss his call, my heart needed soothing which only hearing his voice could provide . He needed to tell me what I did wrong that made him break up with me through text message and not take any of my calls afterwards. What I must fix so that he could open his door when I go knocking on it demanding an explanation. I needed him to tell me what I have to do to get us back to the perfect love that we shared. My feet touched the pink rug next to my bed and I got up to go wash my face. As I stared at my 27 year old face that seemed to have aged a bit over the three days of emotional hell, I wondered what I did to deserve such once again because it was not the first time a man decided that he was tired of me and left me empty. 

"Why can no one love you, Zuri?" I asked myself before splashing a few handfuls of cold water on my face. I caught my reflection in the mirror and took a few seconds to just stare at myself. My short hair perfectly suited for my round, caramel skin, freckled face. Though I grew up being told that I was not beautiful, I learned to embrace my physical appearance. I did not deem myself beautiful but I no longer saw myself as ugly either. I had a good job as an accountant and was overall not a bad person but I could not seem to get the men got romantically involved with to stay with me. I'm always the one who ends up picking the pieces but because Brian and I seemed happy for a year which was the longest a relationship had lasted, I thought that my luck in love had changed but I was wrong. It seems like I was the only one in love. I stepped out of the bathroom, my wet hands grabbed the phone once again. I dialed his number for what felt like the millionth time and held it against my moist face. It rang but went to voicemail and I left him yet another voicemail. Some were filled with rage but most with pain and I wondered if he even bothered to listen to them. I disappeared back into the bathroom to get ready for the day. I decided to get some air and the Cape Town weather was perfect to wear sunglasses in attempt to hide my tired eyes. A fresh breeze hit my face causing my chest to rise as I inhaled the scent of seawater. I went to the cafe Brian introduced me to a few months ago, not just because I love their coffee but also because deep down I was hoping he would be there but he was not. Three days of no contact had begun to weigh on me. Both my thumbs pressed my phone's screen as I typed a long text to Brian once again while waiting for my order. "I'll take it nice and slow. Feeling good on my own without you, yeah. Got me speaking in tongues. The beautiful, it comes without you, yeah. I'm gonna put my body first. And love me so hard 'til it hurts I know how to scream out the words. Scream the words" Hailee Steinfeld's Love Myself played quietly in the background. I was so lost in begging Brian through text, I missed the first parts of the beautiful song but I got to appreciate the rest of it. I listened to it to the end and just as I was about to continue typing the text, I held my thumb on the backspace button deleting every single word I had already typed instead. My mind played out all the relationships that I have had and I noticed a terrible pattern. I had always been the one begging men to love me when I was nothing but a good girlfriend to them. I was not perfect but my intentions were pure and it was no different with Brian yet they all left at the end. I realized that I poured so much love into them when they did not do the same but I also realized that I did not pour any of my love into myself. I was deep in thought wondering how I could show myself the same love that I've given men when the waitress disturbed me. 

"Your coffee, Mam" the young lady said before placing the steamy beverage on the table. 

"Thank you" I manage to say with a smile. Her lips curved up too. She told me to call when I need anything else and went to attend her other table. I placed my phone aside and indulged in the delicious coffee. Somehow sipping the coffee without having my phone in hand in that moment felt liberating. I indeed called the waitress and ordered a big slice of carrot cake to add to my self care. Care that I never gave myself. I also did something that I did not assume I'd do so soon after a break up, I deleted everything on my phone that reminded me of Brian, even his cellphone number. My cake came and I ate every single crumb fully present in the moment. I was still emotionally hurt but something within me shifted when I decided to stop begging Brian to love me again. I went to a music store and purchased Hailee Steinfeld's album because I wanted to listen to Love Myself once again. That day I listened to it on repeat while I did things that brought peace to my soul, dancing naked in my apartment being one of those. I for the first time after three days did not shed a tear and I felt my heavy heart become a bit lighter as I slowly took my power back. Two months passed and I still had not heard from Brian but I was no longer depressed about it because I have been committed to my self love journey. I no longer saw myself as just average woman but as a beautiful goddess. My heart slowly replaced Brian and all the men before him with me and I loved pouring into myself. I took myself on dates and bought myself flowers instead of waiting on a man to do that. I've never been a woman who turned heads but strangely enough, men whom I did not even know would give me gifts or compliments. The glow within reflected without and the people around me took notice. It seemed that the more I loved myself, the more men noticed me and to decline their advances instead of going on endless dates to fill a void was liberating because I no longer felt incomplete without a man in my life. I know that this woman that I am becoming has always been within but I am grateful to Hailee Steinfeld's Love Myself for encouraging her to get out of her self imposed cage. My phone rang while I was busy preparing popcorn for a solo movie night indoors. I raised a brow trying to identify who it belonged to but I did not know so I decided to answer and find out. 

"Who is this?" I asked after we exchanged greetings.

"It's Brian" my heart skipped a beat when the caller made himself known "You've deleted my number already?" he asked so casually as though he did not break up with me and disappeared without explanation just weeks ago. I felt my rage rise but I took a breath to calm down "I miss you, baby. I'm sorry for the way I ended things. I was not myself. Can I come over so that I can explain to you what happened?" he said in his most sweetest tone, a tone that once made me move mountains for him. 

"I'm not interested in your excuses, Brian. I have moved on and the love that I have in my life now is like no other. I will not allow myself to ruin it by letting you back into my life. Don't ever call me again. In fact lose my number. Bye" I said confidently before hanging up. He called a few times afterwards but I did not pick up. I got text messages and alerts of voice messages minutes later but instead of giving up my time to check them, I switched off my phone to enjoy my movie night. I needed him to blow up my phone weeks ago but I am not there anymore. I wish him all the best and forgive him but to let him or any other man who sees no value in me into my life was something that I would never do again. I found the perfect love, one that would not be stripped from me unexpectedly leaving me broken. A day later, I listened to Brian begging me to take him back and he even came knocking on my door which was everything I used to do after he left me. I told him to never set foot at my place again and could see that he was not expecting it. He was searching for the broken Zuri and was shocked that she no longer existed. 

After a year of single life and devotion to myself, I met a man by the name of Nathan whose intentions with me were pure and proved not in words but actions. He worshipped the ground that I walked on and treated me like the queen that I discovered I am. He did not take my love for granted and he deserved the king status in my life. I loved that he also loved himself therefore he loved me right. We married two years later but my first and forever love would always be me. I have a beautiful romance with self which makes me have a beautiful romance with my husband. Self love must be something instilled into young people so that we will always value ourselves more. I attracted broken men when I did not love myself. Had anyone told me years ago that I would be in love with myself, I would not have believed it but I am and that is why I blog about it to teach others how to love the woman or man in the mirror.