65 comments

Coming of Age Sad Teens & Young Adult

She felt like a piece of trash. When a friend needed her after a break-up. And she actually was reaching out for connection, she did not know the blasted words to say (beyond the basic "I am here for you. That is not true").


I just asked her questions, like I was an interrogator. Why don't I have the words? Why can't I be more encouraging?


Maybe it is because she didn't believe in saying pretty little nothings she didn't really mean (most of the time, anyway; and not because she was harsh, unkind, or abrupt. Just as a matter of honesty and loving others as herself). Or because she just did not think it was the right thing to say. Yet, it was kind of strange. She felt like she always had her own personal time, alone time. Where she could not help but automatically begin to generate some sort of inspirational material: perhaps translating her thoughts into an encouragement or poem that part of her (not the other part that felt like that was being fake and a show, and tried to keep herself in check) to possibly share on the internet. On a blog no-one even read, yet.


Maybe it is true. That all too often, we show our good side to the world. And when deep comes down to deep, she does not feel like an empathetic person. Maybe she feels like she wants people to come to her, fulfilling their expectation by being the beloved shrink and wannabe "counselor" they all expect. The listening part anyway. Listening to secrets, listening to personal contemplations and struggles of the heart.


But if so, those are just her own struggles. And she would tell you right now that the struggles of others are not your own, and you should not bear the burden of the identity of another. Maybe we all want to identify -- find ourselves in someone or understand ourselves in something they say. Sometimes, it works. Other times, hearing others may only serve to project their feelings on to you. Besides...



But she took this experience to heart for next time. When her other friend was struggling. She contemplated sharing a blog post or saying some more inspirational thing, but she didn't. Maybe she was being wise and a little over-analytically honest again?


But she sent Raina a song called "Peace", and tried to say she wanted to be here for her friend, even though she did not ask what it was all about. I mean, Raina did not give the details readily, she just said she was struggling. Could be fair enough, right? Or no. The day after, she wondered if maybe she should have said something to ask or to let Raina know, outright, they could talk about it. So, she tried to come up with some implicit statement, and struggled for words. "Why can't I just say what I mean? What I feel? "I feel like maybe I should have asked you what was wrong" or "I was thinking that I should have asked you what was going on or if you wanted to talk about it. That you can."" What she came up with afterward was in a lot smoother wording than that, perhaps. She doesn't remember exactly. Except that words come easily after much thought. Sometimes after the event.


That if this world was not bombarding, assaulting her with questions and looking for answers, she already did not have the answers, and maybe hindered and countered her own thoughts inside.


Like maybe (she is not sure) why? Why does she want to be encouraging? Aren't her thoughts automatically suspicious of being inauthentic, not genuine, and shared just because that's what the world does and promotes? If it's not that, then you already know the rest.


A couple days later, she checks in with the second friend again.


"How are you doing today?"


"I am still struggling."


"Oh, I felt that, recently."


"Probably not for the same reason."


"Mm. :) This might help: >>>"


[What a cringy response she would have felt that was-- smiling when she did not know what say! As if her friend said nothing, which she kind of did. But she's smart enough to realize that Raina's nothing also says something. But I guess I am being a little presumptive, too.]


And the conversation progressed. She thought she knew what might have been wrong, but did not ask. She could have felt dumb, for all the other questions she did ask, she did not ask the most daunting, heavy, painful, real one. The one she figured she knew, but didn't.


She felt awkward with the exchanges from then and the days passing. The heart emoticon, when her friend seemed to lose it for a second and then apologize. Do I really love? Am I just being nice, or being selfish? The off-hand question about dance recital. But Raina was excited to see her, and they really have had good times. Sure, she has screwed up sometimes. Without her realizing -- perhaps showing affection when someone she is self-conscious of is around. Hoping she is not being fakely friendly. Wanting to connect. But there was good, too. Her willingness to talk, the fun they had when Raina acted like a middle-schooler when the dance interns were practicing pedagogy on each other. And more.


Tomorrow is the studio's first recital show of the weekend. But I can't tell you what happens on Friday yet, but she's never been. We are in the past, which is our present, and not yet her future. Never mind...


Anyway, how do I know all this? Well, she tells me. She does not think she does, but she knows she does. With some, gurgling underwater, yes, that can be a bit hard for one to interpret at times, but...she is a very...thoughtful person. At least, in one facet of a mirror reflection.


If you ever see her, tell her I said "Hi." Scratch that. Say "Hi" for me.

January 14, 2021 19:13

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65 comments

Hope Reynolds
16:22 Jan 15, 2021

Hi Everyone! Thank you so much for your support already! I caught some typo's or just awkward phrasing that I have now corrected! Good luck with the contest!

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Sapphire 🌼
16:52 Feb 01, 2021

Hi Hope! Tis' been a long time!

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Hope Reynolds
21:53 Feb 01, 2021

Hi Sapphire! Yes, indeed it has.

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Sapphire 🌼
23:45 Feb 01, 2021

How are you doing?

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Hope Reynolds
06:00 Feb 02, 2021

Um, a little bit of both. It's not my best day, but it's not my worst either. Struggling with some things, and, today, feeling a bit impatient today. :D How are you doing?

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Sapphire 🌼
16:13 Feb 02, 2021

Ah yeah, kinda of the same situation. A little bit of both. So much pressure and so much work/stress. Lol. Do you have netflix?

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Hope Reynolds
20:48 Feb 02, 2021

Yeah...school? Strength to you! No, do you?

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Sapphire 🌼
18:59 May 28, 2021

What's up Hope? How have you been? :) I've said this before but- tis' been a long time!

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Hope Reynolds
23:58 May 28, 2021

Hi Sapphire! Really great to hear from you! I feel like I have some better days in some ways, little enjoyments recently within the past week. I am hoping those good things continue. Today I feel kind of crappy overall -- including physically, lol. I'm a bit frustrated by not knowing what I'm doing with my life (when I'm not in classes) and other stuff lol. But with some recent stress, I have found relief or good in it, too. How about you?? Tell me about yourself! Indeed, tis been a one day over a month! I checked my notifications quickly...

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Sapphire 🌼
19:38 May 29, 2021

You too! That sounds good! I've been having better days too, with my mom's birthday and all :) Oop. I can relate. I'm dreading going to dance tomorrow 'cause I'm not exactly in the best shape 😬. Oh woah. Do you have any goals or ambitions for the future? Maybe listing out what your passionate about and working on what you want to do could help. And remembering that you can take a little or as much time as you need to sort things out. That's good to hear :) I'm doing pretty normal- not being too active on Reedsy till I wrap up a few pro...

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Hope Reynolds
18:54 May 30, 2021

Hi Sapphire! That's good!! oh no! yeah, I can kind of relate there, too. I need to stretch more lolol. Ugh. So much for a scorpion, but I can do better. How did it go? I mean, I feel like I am someone who isn't as sure about what they want to do in life, but I mean I guess I do have some vision of what I might like or been able to explore certain ideas a bit more lately :D I think I might like to work with teenage girls someday -- either like I could have a camp, or kind of like a home or residence, and maybe incorporate dance somehow. ...

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Hope Reynolds
19:14 May 30, 2021

p.s. about songs: I know you know Anson Seabra, so maybe you have heard his song Dawning of Spring. You might like a song called Reasons by Svrcina ft. Hulvey and Lecrae. Also, she has a bit of a calm/different voice and music style, but I find that I can relate to a gal by the name of JJ Heller. Some of her songs lyrics anyway. Oo! I came across this nice instrumental lol. Good for dancing! Try parts of it with al e secondes/fouettes. Fun song. I think someone on a discord server I'm on made this one might have made this one: https://...

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Sapphire 🌼
22:17 May 30, 2021

oof I'm sure you can do it! Surprisingly, it went pretty well! I had help and I understand the dance a bit more, so I'm doing better! Which is a big relief 'cause I was dreading the class for the entire week lol. Aw that's a really cool idea/profession! Maybe you could work in a drama camp for kids! When my little brother was really young I would love playing with him, even though he was a little too obsessed with cars lolol. That is super sweet. In my province, we have this charity called the Ronald MacDonald house, and its basically a f...

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