Not My Fifteen Minutes

Everyone wants their fifteen minutes of fame, that glorious moment when they're in the spotlight, the center of attention. Some people not only get their fifteen minutes, but they somehow extend it to a lifetime of fame. Not only do they get the fame, bit they get all the wonderful things that comes hand in hand with fame. But what happens when you haven't earned that fifteen minutes of fame or the lifetime of fame that sometimes follows? What if you, an unsuspecting, completely regular, totally boring person, gets fame that was meant for someone else? Oh it can't happen you say, well I know it can, because it happened to me.

Let me set the stage, it was oh around three years ago, in a boring little town in Idaho. The name of the town isn't important, you've probably never heard of it anyways. So here I am, just your run of the mill average joe, and surprisingly Joe is actually my name, fascinating right? So here I am a plain looking 30ish young man, to plain looking to be called handsome, yet not ugly enough to be considered bad looking. I was simply average, one of those faces you'd quickly forget soon after seeing. I was on my way to the pharmacy, since my inhaler had run out and I needed a replacement. At the pharmacy, I was waiting in line to pay and I happened to glance over at the bulletin board. I saw this bright neon blue flyer, which was advertising a costume talent show. I'll admit I never had heard of a costume talent show and while I don't consider myself talented, I thought it sounded fun. I recalled that the pharmacy offered a small selection of Halloween costumes, and even though it was barely August, they'd already put them out on display. Since I was the last person in line I decided to go see what kind of selection they had left. Most of what they had was either for children or for girls who liked to show off way too much skin. I decided to go with a gorilla mask, as it was the only one they had which covered the whole head. I quickly took it to the counter and paid for it and my inhaler. According to the flyer, the contest was scheduled to begin in just twenty minutes. I hopped on my bike and hurried over to the baseball field where they had set up for the contest.

When I got there I was shown where to register and then I was shown where to await my turn. I went ahead and put on my mask, figuring it be better than taking a chance that someone I knew would see me. When I was about three people from performing, I noticed that the next guy up not only was wearing the same exact mask as me, but he was also dressed in similar clothes and we were also around the same height and weight. He took the stage, told them he was going to sing and he rocked the stage. People were cheering and clapping, they loved his performance. His act was by far the best one so far. When it came my turn I did a little line dance and got a few claps, but not many. I didn't care, I was only doing it for fun. However, when it came time to announce the winner, I was surprised to be ushered onto stage, still wearing my mask. I was given a check as well as a trophy, as I tried to figure out how this was possible. I knew there was no way that I had actually won, but I didn't have a chance to question. From then on there was a flurry of activity and I never had a chance to find out how I had won.

Sometime later I learned that the other guy in the gorilla mask was the actual winner. However he had never been seen since his performance. Everyone assumed that I was the singer, they wanted an encore, and there was no way I could give them one. I played like my throat was sore and while they were disappointed, no one wanted me to risk hurting my voice.

The most surprising thing came when a recording agent signed me up for a record deal. I'm not even sure why a recording agent would be in such an ordinary place, but they were. Despite the fact that I can't carry a tune in a bucket, I was caught up in the moment and signed on with the agent. I was going to be a household name the agent told me, I was going to be famous. Never once did I stop to think that at some point they'd expect me to sing, in those first minutes the only thing that mattered to me was the chance at fame. After the papers had been signed, I guess reality caught up with me and I realized the predicament I had gotten myself into.

Days went by and I still played like I was having trouble with my voice. I went online and posted in one of those missed opportunities chat rooms, hoping I'd find the mysterious gorilla mask wearing singer. Finally just when I was about to give up hope, I got a reply. My masked singer agreed to meet me in a secluded part of the park that afternoon.

I knew it was risky to meet in such a secluded area, but desperate times called for desperate measures. True to his word, he meet me in the park at the appointed time. Oddly enough he was wearing the gorilla mask, which was of a much better quality than the one I had bought at the pharmacy.

I was nervous and comforted slightly by the fact that he seemed nervous as well. When he spoke his breath had a strong odor of bananas.

"So, they thought you were the one who was singing?"

I nodded. "Yes, and I not only won first place, but I was also signed up for a record deal. My agent says I'm going to be famous."

"Except you can't sing can you?"

I shook my head. "About as well as a dying cow in a hailstorm I'm afraid. That's why I posted in the chatroom. This isn't my fame, it belongs to you. You're the one who should be accepting this deal and becoming famous, not me."

He looked forlorn and I realized that his mask must be of a very good quality to convey his emotions.

"I can't do it."

I couldn't believe my ears. "But you must! I can't sing, they'll know I'm a phoney."

He looked at me, unblinking, dead serious.

"And if I do it they'll know that I'm not a phoney."

I didn't understand, what did he mean by that? Before I could ask he replied.

"Promise you won't run away and scream like a little girl."

I nodded. "Uh, I promise."

He reached out and took my hand, placing it on the mask.

"This isn't a mask, this is my face."

I could tell by feeling the mask that he was being truthful, it was indeed his face. When I asked, he told me that he had been a scientist, studying the parallels of human and primate intelligence. Somehow he had managed to splice his own DNA with that of a gorilla and had mutated into this gorilla faced man. He longed to be normal again, to be able to carry out his true passion, which was singing. That's why he had entered the contest, the fact that it was costumed made it perfect for him. As he talked I came up with the perfect plan. I quickly told him and he thought it was genius. So since that day I have become known as the singer who only sings while wearing a gorilla mask, which gives my friend the opportunity to sing and my face gets used for the every day things.