Christmas Online

         In response to the prompt: “Write a story told exclusively through dialogue.”

         “Okay, everyone. We’re all here,” Amy Armstrong announced. “Thanks for agreeing to try out this platform.”

         Grannie Bee said, “Amy, you’re not on a platform, are you? You could fall and have to go to the ER and that would ruin your Christmas, plus you’d have to spend like nine hours waiting for a doctor, like I did once.”

         “Grannie, it’s not a physical platform. I meant we’re on Messenger’s video chat.”

         “I can hear you, but I can’t see you. Can you hear me?”

         “Press the icon of the video camera, Grannie. You’re off camera.”

         “What’s an icon?” Grannie asked.

         “A picture. Click on the picture of a video camera.… The camera, got it? There you go. Nice to see you, Grannie. Thanks, everyone, for trying out Messenger. It sure is a unique way of spending Christmas. We’re all in different time zones, but does everyone have their dinner ready so that we can eat together?”

         “Ours isn’t. Your Aunt Rose slept all morning and barely put it in the oven. I don’t like turkey,” said Uncle Jed. “I prefer ham.”

         “Me, too,” said Ethan. “Mom, why didn’t you get us ham?”

         Rose said, “Be grateful you’ve got food.”

         “Can’t eat ham anymore,” said Grannie. “Not with my hypertension.”

          “Can’t we order Dominoes?” Lyanna whined.

         “By the time the turkey’s done, I’m gonna starve. I need a sandwich.”

         “Uncle Jed, please! Don’t leave,” Amy begged. “I have a lot of Christmas activities for us planned. Grannie, can you hold off dinner for a while?”

         “You’re on mute, Grannie. Hit the little microphone button at the bottom of the screen. The microphone!”

         “Oh, come on, Grannie. It isn’t all that hard,” Ethan said.

         “Let’s play ‘Basketball Forever,’ said his sister. “I don’t like brown. I want the purple ball. Wait, let me change.…”

         “Kids, you’re not playing online games!” screeched Rose. “It’s Christmas. And Amy has things planned. Now be polite and stop that or I’ll make you come out of your rooms into the living room with us.”

         “And Grannie?” said Jed. “Why is she still on mute?”

         Rose said, “You should see the turkey I got, Amy. It’s 25 pounds. A real beauty. Would have fed all of us easy.”

         “Okay, I’ll hold off on dinner, too, so that we can wait for yours. Aunt Rose, what time will it be done?”

         “Around 4:00.”

         “Three more hours? I’m getting a sandwich.”

         “Uncle Jed, wait. Let’s sing some Christmas carols. Let me find some on my phone and we can sing along.”

         “Not ‘Go Fish,’ Ethan. Too babyish. Let’s do ‘Words with Friends.’”

         “Heck, no. You always win at that.”

         “I couldn’t hear you, Amy. Why isn’t this dumb tablet working? What happened? What did I miss?”

         “Not much, Grannie. You muted yourself. We tried to tell you.”

         “Two points!” yelled Ethan.

         “That’s it. Get off those tablets. Get in here. Living room. Right now!”

         Grannie said, “So my neighbor, Eloise? She had family come in from Nevada. They trekked in yesterday. “

         “No!” said Rose. “That’s violating the ‘shelter in place’ policy!”

         “They’re wearing masks but they’re eating together. We should have ….”

         “Now, Grannie,” Amy said. “This is for your own safety. Nobody wants you to get the virus.”

         Grannie said, “Eloise doesn’t look good. She gained like twenty pounds--"

         “--Twenty?” said Rose. “She was never that thin to begin with.”

         “And it isn’t all muscle,” Grannie added.

         “Why’d you do that, Ethan? I don’t want to play ‘Horse.’ I want to shoot.”

         “Kids, get in here. I mean it or there will be no tablets for the rest of the break.”

         “Uncle Jed, you know you can put yourself on mute when you blow your nose,” said Amy gently. “Okay, I found ‘Silent Night.’ Can everyone hear?”

         “Yes,” said Grannie and Rose.

         “No,” said Ethan and Lyanna.

         “They’re just being brats. They can hear. Go ahead, Amy.”

         “Everyone, I’m going to start the song again. Now, we all sing, agreed?”

         Ethan sang, “’Silent fart, deadly fart, launched with stealth, a work of art. Tears will well up and drop from your eyes, it's an aroma that can't be disguised…’”

         Everyone heard, “You ruin this day for Amy and I’m gonna wring your necks!”

         “Like I was saying, Eloise gained like thirty pounds,” Grannie Bee continued. “She had to buy a bunch of muumuus to keep all that fat inside.”

         “That’s not nice, Grannie. That doesn’t even sound like you,” said Amy.

         “What’s the matter? Is something wrong with this microphone?”

         “Never mind. How about we go around and everyone tells ‘What Christmas means to me?’ I’ll start. Christmas is a holy time of year. We go to church--”

         “--We don’t,” said Ethan.

         “Well, most of us do go to church,” said Amy. “I love midnight Mass. Remember when we used to do that, Grannie?”

         “No. Did we? When did we do that? I don’t remember at all. I am getting old, you know. Memory’s not what it used to be. Maybe if you kids had all visited me in Comoro instead, I’d remember things.”

         “Grannie, nothing personal. It’s the virus. Anyway, Christmas is a time for family to all get--"

         “--On Messenger and screw it up,” said Lyanna.

         “How many times have we said don’t use that word!” Rose shouted. “It’s not lady-like.”

         “Mom, you don’t have to drag me. I’m going. I’m going. Where do I sit?”

         “Does she have to sit beside me?” Ethan whined.

         “Stop shoving me, jerk!”

         “Moron.”

         “Dumb-dumb.”

         “You started it.”

         “Now stop! Both of you!... Fine, I’ll go next,” said Rose. “Christmas to me means a beautiful live tree--"

         “--How come then we got this fake white crappy one?” asked Lyanna.

         “’Crappy’ is not a lady-like word either, gosh damn it!” shouted Rose.

         “My turkey! My turkey’s burning! I bet Eloise doesn’t have a burnt turkey!” yelled Grannie.

         “And you, Ethan?” asked Amy. “What does Christmas mean to you?”

         “It means I can’t play Poker on Messenger like I do other days with Uncle Jack.”

  “And it is a shame Uncle Jack couldn’t join us today.”

         “He was the smart one,” Lyanna said.

         “That’s it. I’ve had it with you, smartass. I’m washing your mouth out with soap.”

         “While you do that, I’m making myself a bologna sandwich,” said Jed.

         Amy said, “Okay, guys. I’ll be here when you all decide to come back to your screens.”

         “You are a saint, Amy Armstrong!”

         “Mason! How long have you been standing here, listening?”

         “A while. My mom had to go pick up food from Albertson’s so I hung up. You handle your bunch really nice.”

         “Family is family,” Amy said. “Today wasn’t all that different from other Christmases when we’ve all gathered together in the same room. But, despite their shortcomings, I do love them all. Thanks for reminding me of that. Merry Christmas, babe.”

         “Same to you.”

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