Beneficiary

The fact that I couldn't escape was enough to drive me mad. Living with it day in and day out. Night after night, I had to survive my thoughts. Pray my way between twilights.

I just wanted to escape...To leave it all behind like you did.

In the deepest hour of the night, shadows filled my vision. It woke me in a way I’d never experienced. As I've done in the past, I pulled on my boots and jacket and headed out the front door.

My breath clouded as the warmth around me was breached by late autumn air. As alone and cold as I felt, the crispness of the air was strangely comforting. Lamp posts lit up a trail of lights down the street. It seemed to lead me forward, marking my each step.

As I've done a thousand times before, I pulled a cigarette out of my jacket pocket. And like a thousand times before, I lit it. A plume of white smoke trailed above. It twisted and danced before it was whisked away in a flutter of moths.

“Hm...” I hummed as I watched them. They fluttered far out of the reach of the lamps' light, yet they glowed like stars in the distant sky.

I stood still like that for a while. I'm not sure how long, but damn, did it feel good to escape reality for a bit.

I took another hit off my cigarette, the cherry glowing ever brighter. It was like a sun at my fingertips.

Suddenly, a vehicle drove past, its headlights flashing bright as it hit a pothole. It seemed to break my thoughts, crashing into my sight like cold ocean waves.

“Oh,” I exhaled the smoke, realizing how lost in dreams I'd become.

Blinking away the drowsy haze, I walked forward. The silence of this hour was tantalizing. It drew me in close, draping an arm heavy with comfort over my shoulders. It was like a blanketed friend, keeping me from feeling alone.

I could feel its warm, half smile, as white as the moon against his darkened silhouette. Yet, its glow was momentarily blocked away, shaded by translucent clouds. Once they shifted, I saw only the moon hovering in a sharp crescent.

As I finished my cigarette, I stepped into a quiet corner of the park. It wasn't far from where I lived, visible from the window of where I constantly tried to sleep. Across the street from the window which held only nightmarish memories and haunting shadows.

Sitting on a bench, I watched the shadows across my window. It was like the darkest corner of my life. The place I should feel warmest. Where I should feel safest.

Yet, as I look at it now, I see nothing but exhaustion. I see nothing but numbness and fear. I see my desperation. The begging for slumber to take its hold of me and never let go.

As I sat there, in the edge of the nearby lamp's light, I held my breath. I stilled everything, slowing the beating of my heart. I closed my eyes, feeling my body become heavy. The heavier I became, the more it seemed as if I were floating.

Peaking through one set of lashes, I could see the world around me submerged in water. It glowed with pinks and orange as the sun began to wake and rise. The water was cold, but I didn't mind. Actually, I preferred it. Being cold gave me a sense of urgency. It was freeing to finally feel something other than a numbing lack to thrive and a deadly guilt.

As the water teased my hair, I fully opened both eyes. Plant life swayed in the shifting waves. A gentle movement which tried lulling me to sleep. I smiled, watching the birds soar through the water.

What an odd thing to watch.

My lungs began to burn, aching for me to take a long needed breath. In an instant, the water suddenly was sucked away, leaving me to sit on the bench, heavy with water and sucking in air.

Shivers ran down my spine, reminding me of the world that I actually lived in. It wasn't this miraculous place of stars made of moths, or an underwater world. This is a place of dull colors and mindless tasks. This is a world of monstrosities and tiring emotion. It was a place of mistakes and darkness and death.

A world I long to leave.

The normal person could escape these problems each night. Sleeping eight or so hours, slipping into a world of their own. Dreaming of things unlikely or seeing their hopes come to life. Even a nightmare had to be something better than this.

I groaned as I rubbed my eyes and rolled my shoulders. Sitting back, I stared blankly ahead. The small city of charmingly old buildings was washed over by golden light as the sun took to the sky.

Naturally, another night slipped by without a wink of sleep.

Groggily, I lit up another cigarette. What a breakfast that had become for me. “It'd be so much easier if you were here,” I grumbled to myself, knowing you couldn't hear. If only youcould scold me and make me go to sleep like you used to.

I closed my eyes while finishing off the last of my smoke. I could feel a familiar set of fingers stroke along my scalp.

Oh, how I've missed this.

My body grew heavy with comfort as I leaned my head on your shoulder. Finally, I could fall asleep against you like I had so many nights for so many years. I could hear your heartbeat through your chest, through the old T-shirt that you always wore to bed. Your hair brushing my face as I curled up against you.

Finally, I slept.

“Wow,” you laughed, waking me. “You haven't slept like that in a while.”

Slowly, I sat up, focusing my eyes on you. You had such a bright smile, one like the moon. Your eyes narrowed at me, straightening out my jacket. “Haven't had a haircut lately, huh?” you asked.

“What?” I blinked a few times, then said, “No. No reason to.”

“Ah,” you nodded as if in recollection. “That's right. You work from home now. Finally got that first book published. I'm so proud of you.”

I smiled as I watched you. Why do I feel so utterly happy? So wrapped in warmth, like I hadn't seen you in an eternity?

“Our anniversary is coming up,” you pondered aloud, tapping a fingertip to your chin. “Two days--”

“No, it's today,” I shook my head. “Twelve years this afternoon.”

I watched your hair in the breeze. We were still sitting on the bench in the park. Tucking your hair away, you said, “I wish you would've kept the cigarettes away. You did so well when you quit.”

Yeah, that's right. I did quit...But why did I start them up again?

“Sometimes I think you're just waiting for something to kill you,” you shook your head.

Kill me...?

Eyeing you closely, I could feel the ache of a forlorn heart. Gripping my chest, I opened my mouth to say something. But what? What could I say? I had to fight so hard to think of what this feeling was. Why did it feel like I was missing something? Like a piece of myself was torn away so suddenly.

When you stood, I instantly launched after you. Gripping your wrist, I stood with you, pulling you to my side. “Where are you going?” I asked.

“Oh, to see the clouds,” you answered so easily.

“The clouds,” I whispered.

Suddenly, I shot awake, gasping sharply. The sun was hanging brightly overhead, a few birds chirping at my feet. You were gone. Nowhere at my side. Nowhere in this world.

There were a couple joggers on the pathway, paying me no mind. They probably thought I was homeless.

I felt like I was.

Without you, I can’t function right. I need you to keep me straight. Without you, I am without my home.

The pain in my chest, the pain which kept me awake, it was nothing like the pain you endured. The crushing weight of that depression as it tore right through you. It broke you down, ripping away layers of yourself. You lost pieces of your personality until you were left a husk.

In the night, as I slept...it was the last I slept soundlessly...Because I wanted to sleep, I couldn't even notice that, as they ran through my hair, your fingers were trembling. Your heartbeat wasn't steady but weak and sad. Your hair which rested across my face was damp with tears.

I couldn't notice it because I slept.

And now, I'd likely never sleep again.

You found that permanent escape. One which gave you rest. It took you away from all the pain and the fear, instead, leaving it all to me.

I am the beneficiary of what you left behind.

Now that I’m awake, I can feel a little less numb. I chuckled to myself, self-deprecatingly. Seems all those sleepless nights got me to this point of confusion. This blurriness of reality and my only escape in the form of dreams.

The only thing which might save me from this mess would be death. Yet I can’t bring myself to leave this restless depression to anyone else. As it is, I may not even recognize death, and embrace it as a dream. I'm so lost and dazed, I'll not know the difference, I think.