My name is Matt. And at this present moment, I am trying to solve a mystery here. It’s a rather unusual one at that as well.
For the past hour, I have noticed something rather peculiar in our home…
The window has been shattered.
How did this happen? Why did this happen?
Did we have a break in in our home? I mean the window is broken alright, but I don’t see anything that the person who broke in taking anything at all. I’ve already search the entire house. Money, TV, etc. They didn’t take anything! Least of all, my porno mags! Thank god they weren’t taken! I cant live without them! I mean what would I do without having a substitute for masturbation? I would die of sex starvation! I cant think of any substitution for masturbation let alone actual sex!
Back to the task at hand. What happened to make the window shatter like that? It couldn’t have been a storm could it? There wasn’t one last night unless you count the kids who scream like hooligans! Their screams could possibly resemble a banshee lol! They scream so loud they could maybe have broken it!
Or maybe it was my next door neighbour Sheila who loves to sing so much that she is should try a career change in opera singing!
I suddenly start hearing footsteps coming down the stairs! They are getting slower and slower! Ok now I am getting scared! I was just a minute ago making assumptions that we didn’t have a break in but now I am not so sure!
“Yo, Matt!” I hear a voice shout out. I scream like a girl and turn around to see what might be my attacker! My heart beating faster then a Ferrari going naught to sixty, I am about to beg for my life!
“Please dont kill me!”, I Scream “Take what you want! I’m too young to die!”
I wait about ten seconds for the attacker to reply. My eyes are closed as I await my doom. Nothing. Slowly, I open my eyes and to see the guy who possibly wants to kill me and I see that it is none other then my house buddy Carl.
“Hey Carl buddy what’s happening” I ask back to him feeling embarrassed that I was begging my life to a guy I share a house with.
“I got a serious problem here dude” he replies back. “The good news is that I had a girl in here last night! Man was she was hot! She had such a sexy body any man would kill to have a babe like her and by the time she got round to taking her bra off… man her tits were fucking huge! Couldn’t believe they were real you’d never have thought otherwise and oh my god she was fucking amazing in bed man! I’ve never had a girl so wild in bed! I think I hit the jackpot with her!
“Okayyyyyyyyyy…” I say thinking that maybe he has explained in a bit too much detail. “So what’s the bad news?”
“The bad news is, I think I caught an STD from the girl”. “I must have caught that disease what’s it called? Diarrhoea or something?”
I look at him wild eyed. Diarrhoea? An STD? Is he for real? Whoever heard of that being a Sexually Transmitted Disease?!
“Uh, I think the word you’re looking for is Gonorrhoea, right Carl?” I reply.
“Yes, that’s right. You see the thing is, I woke up this morning and suddenly as I was peeing out a dozen bottles of JD and coke I drank last night, I started feeling pain in my dick man! It fucking burned! It felt like I was peeing broken fucking glass dude! What should I do man? I don’t wanna see a doctor It’s too embarrassing I don’t want the doctor to be examining my penis especially if it’s a guy for fucks sake!” C’mon help me man what should I do?”
I take in all what he said and take a moment to think about it. Finally, I answer” Just go upstairs Carl. I’ll think of a solution in a few minutes”.
He does as he’s told though I can see a look on his face that makes me feel he is dying of embarassment.
Carl had a girl in here last night? I don’t believe that. I cant even remember the last time he had a woman in here. In fact, I wouldn’t be surprised if he was a virgin.
Wait a minute… Now I think I’m beginning to put two and two together…
Now you see Carl likes to smoke weed and do drugs. It gives him vivid imaginations. He has hallucinated all sorts of crazy shit with that and that girl he claims he had he must have hallucinated her to!
He says he had wild sex with her and then said that he felt like this morning he was peeing broken glass so that means…
Oh no! No no no NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO! He did not?!
Now I am trying to piece all the pieces of the puzzle together. Upon remembering from what Carl has told me, as well the window, lots of thoughts going through my head right now…
OH MY GOD!!!! I just came up with what I think is the answer to this all! If my theory is correct, then this can only mean one thing…
Despite his claims, Carl never actually had a girl in here at all! He imagined her the whole time due to being high on weed, and when he thought he was fucking her, he was actually masturbating the whole time! During this time he somehow managed to smash into the window and because he was so high he didn’t feel the pain as it numbed his whole body including his dick and he didnt feel it until he went to the bathroom when the effects had rubbed off and peed just now! He didn’t catch Gonorrhoea. He felt like he was peeing broken glass because he actually is peeing broken glass!
Fuck! That guy is in serious trouble! Certainly an embarrassing situation for him! Wait till he finds out!
At least now I’ve solved the mystery of why the window was shattered!