Recoding an old mind

TW: homophobia

Reading an old book is like decoding a computer program, you just can’t tell which language the author is using but trying to recode an old mind is worse than trying to solve a math equation. Like there is no right answer for someone with a mind stuck in the 1800s and that’s exactly where my sister’s brain was stuck when I told her about the existence of homosexuality.

“AIDs is an STD and it has nothing to do with homosexuality,” I said, frustration laced in my voice as I tried to decode the false knowledge about AIDs that we had gained years ago in school during biology class. And she had taken that information as a religious belief and made it into an issue of morality.

“But isn’t that how it started.” She replied and trust me I am ready to strangle her.

“No, it doesn’t.”

“It wasn’t there before they started this homo thing right?”

“How do you know it wasn’t there?”

“Because it wasn’t.” Is that even an argument anymore. From my personal experience, trying to reason with anyone in this house is useless but I still want at least my sister to live in the present.

“I think it was always there,” I said, shifting my gaze away from this annoying girl and towards my phone. “But the cause was never discovered,” I added in a monotone voice, not having any more energy for this stupid conflict.

Being a homosexual is a sin in our society and talking about these issues is taboo in this house but as much as I want to stay low about the issue it comes to haunt me. I just need someone open-minded about this before walking out of the closet. Just one person is enough but clearly, she is not going to be that one person. Even though Arya is an understanding person and has been an amazing sister, I know for a fact that she will never accept this.

“Never discovered, means never existed,” she scoffed and stood up from the bed to leave and all my resolve to not argue anymore was broken.

“It can be transmitted through any type of sexual activity, it doesn’t have to be between the same gender,” I said, now glaring at her. “They just didn’t know that it was an STD until it happened to a gay person.”

“It could be but why are you so agitated about this? Are you gay or something?” Arya asked and the question took more than just a heartbeat away from me. I felt a cold sweat run down my face and anxiety took over me as I looked at her.

“I-I am just trying to have a progressive debate with you,” I replied and prayed that the shutter in my voice was not obvious.

“Well I don’t have time for this debate as unlike someone I have work to do,” she said before walking out of the room.

I sighed, relieved by the fact that she didn’t notice my panic or the little affirmation that had accidentally slipped through a nod. I want to tell her but I don’t want to become an outcast in my own house.

I laid down on the bed, legs still hanging down the edge and honestly, I don’t have the energy to pull them up and relax. If not for my heart going wild I might be able to relax but that’s not the case here.

Being gay is not just abnormal, it’s a sin and not just any sin. It’s a sin worthy of death, at least in this house and in my father’s eyes. So coming out as one of those abnormal beings is close to impossible. But I don’t want to lay here, gazing at the ceiling and thinking about how abnormal I am. Doing that is stupid so guess what I did? My miserable self__instead of self piting__ got up, rushed out of the room and into the kitchen that is only a few feet away.

“What if I am gay?” I shouldn’t be doing this, guess I should’ve packed a bag first.

“I told you I am busy.” Arya said annoyingly as she washed the vegetable in the sink “I don’t have time for this stupid discussion.”

Go back idiot,

don’t talk anymore, 

don’t you dare say another word.

But the conflict in my head and the constant scolding from my brain were not enough to stop my mouth which seems to always receive belated signals and talk as if it owns the body.

“No seriously, just answer.”

“Answer what?”

“What would you do if I were gay?”

“I would tell dad,” she said that without any hesitation before turning the tap off and facing me. “Happy now? Then I have to make dinner,” she added, pointing towards the door in an attempt to make me leave. So I went back to my room, closed the door, and once again had to lay there on my bed and stare at the ceiling as my mind went back to its own spiral of thoughts.

I really can’t tell anyone then? I can’t afford to be exposed to my father because I still wish to live but that also means I can’t live a normal youthful life. Well, teens would be over soon anyway so it doesn’t even matter.

But why can’t humans just live like humans?

A knock on the door captured my attention. It’s rare in this house for people to knock before barging in so it really surprised me when the person who had knocked even waited for my response and even more surprised by that person being my sister.

“What happened to your dinner?”

“It’s on the stove.” I nod then sat up

“And why are you here again?”

She sighs then closes the door before walking to my bed and sitting down. Her fidgeting from side to side is not helping with my inner panic. Like seriously why is she nervous?

“I feel like you were not fooling around with that discussion earlier.” oh! So she does have a brain. “Is there something you want to share?”

“Not really.” yeah, not after knowing how she will react.

“I won’t tell him.”

“Huh!” she laughed

“I won’t expose you if you are really being serious.”

How am I supposed to believe that when she just told me how disgusted she felt about these people?

“Are you sure?”

“Yes, I don’t really understand these things but I can see how serious you are about it,” she replied, placing one of her hands over mine in an attempt to somehow comfort me and ease my nerves, an action I find to be very cringy but I can’t even complain since she is at least trying to understand my situation. “So, is there something?”

I look down at my hands and my eyes automatically focus on the hand__much smaller than mine__placed there in a comforting manner. so It really does help.

“For now I am just confused and not so sure but there is this guy I really like and I don’t know what to do?” I spoke more like blabbered out then waited for her response, eyes still on the hands as hers withdrew from mine and a new panic built up inside me. 

What if she was lying?

What if she told dad?

But that’s all it was, a paranoia and her hand landed on my shoulder, patting ever so lightly for the support this time.

“That’s it? A crush? I thought you were already dating.” she almost sounded disappointed while saying that or I am thinking too much.

“Like hell I am,” I said, taking her hand off me. “Why are you making fun of me?”

“I am not, I was seriously afraid that you were dating.” saying that she got up and walked away. “Come out and help me with dinner.” 

“Okay.” I might have sounded like an attached puppy but it’s only because I am happy. Never in the blue moon, I would’ve thought of anyone in this place to accept such relationships. But I guess this is a good start.