THINGS FALL APART

In my life all through I have been thinking that I know my sibling in and out only to prove myself wrong, that was just imaginations .My elder brother and I were very close when we were younger (born almost the same age) and while we grew up as teenagers, we remained real true friends that no one could even manage to separate us (united we stand to protect each other).Now we are grown up in our youthful age ,that has all changed, and I fear that we have completely lost what we once had .I am eagerly longing for the moments we spent together and the real love that existed between us before.

We moved around different counties(enjoying the nature) after our college, but ended up in the same county, hardly seeing each other. Now, through a quirk of timing in tenancy agreements ,we are back living together.

You would not know we are brothers from the way we interact at home, we seem more like strangers. When he is not out, he spends time alone in his room with the door shut, time well spent. I thrive, and am dependent on company to keep me moving, and resent that he does not care to constantly interact with me . He needs time on his own regularly, this is something I simply would not understand.

Our differing food habits (eating habit) are also a key source of my frustration. He eats the same meal every day and never cooks on the contrary to me(I enjoy the change of diet), which I find it sad. He occasionally join me if I cook breakfast but the favor is never returned. I long for the day we shall share duties (where cooking is in turn) so there is always something nice to eat when you get home, and where family members spend their evenings chatting over breakfast and maybe watching TV together but this never happens. It especially disappoints me that he does not like if it affects anything of his.

I am finding it difficult to come to agreement with the differences we have made in our adulthood . I find him to be rigid and controlled, a bit of snob and obsessive , while I am sure he thinks that I am overreacting and over-emotional, and too dependent on others .I am upset that we have lost our natural connection, (brotherhood) and I would like to be able to repair it while we still stay in one roof together.

There exist a feeling that, because you are my brother, we should be resembling each other and do many things together. Maybe this was the case when we were young, but you do not seem to have to have separated out from the childhood behaviors. And siblings are rarely resembling each other, even if they are biologically related.

This was becoming unmanageable to me I had to seek for a consultant, Mary Johnson, a psychotherapist. The first thing he said was :"I can not understand why you are living together ". I think this is contributing to everything because it is forcing you and your differences together with your own brother .When all you can see are differences, there seems to be no common surrounding on which to build, when, in fact, there can be no signs of perspective and negotiations.

What Mary Johnson also helped me to understand is that, in adolescence ,even children who got on before can find themselves in such differences. "Everybody's adolescence stage is different", she explains ", and it is then that people tune in to their own individual personalities. Its when we start to discover who we are ". In other words, all those things that tie us together with family can go through immense change in adolescence as we can move apart from those whom we grew up with.

It does not mean your relationship with your brother is over. Your 20s can be century of great change and finding yourself. You may discover that you reunite in the years to come. But one thing is certain, the way you are going about things now is not friendly to what is happening.

Flash back over what you have said and imagine it in a different perspective: "my brother wants me to constantly spend time with him and eat dinner with her, and when he invites friends over he wants me to be with him. He won't stop singing even though I have asked him .." You call him controlling of his(watch? you do some things in common!).

I wonder why you rather idealize the importance of brotherly relationship came from. Where are your parents? Has something happened to make you cling to your brother?

"It's important", counsels Mary Johnson , "to recognize your differences. Your brother may be in different place. Look at where you are in your life and where else you can get that companionship".

I understand places to live aren't easy to find, but your own place, or step back from trying to make your brother be all thing to you. Siblings relationships go through many challenges. As with any relationship, let this one breathe, don't define yourself through it and invest in the many other friendships you seem to have.

I was shocked by something :when you describe what you want, it sounds very much like a home environment you may get that in a few years, but it probably won't be your brother who provides it.

Be yourself and your brotherly love will be back sooner than you expect.

As I went home I kept thinking on what Mary John has gave as an advice and I found it as the plain truth in my mind I kept thinking that was the greatest injustice have done to myself and my own brother. I went home full of questions in my mind what should I do to do return back the old us again and things seems to be falling apart every single day as we move on. But hopefully remembered that all is not lost yet as Mary Johnson only stress that was only the nature perspectives (adolescence stage) so we can get back to each other again as in the childhood times.