Haunting Lessons

“Where am I?” I asked as the door closed, and I stood in complete darkness.

Silence.

“Is anybody here?” I could feel the panic surge through me like an electrical current. My eyes might as well be closed as the absence of light made me feel totally blinded.

What was I doing before I came here? How did I get here? Why am I here?

“Welcome.” A voice sounded from the darkness.

“Who are you?” I panted, “Show yourself.”

“We have a few questions for you.” The voice sounded demanding.

“Not until I know where I am.” I definitely snapped.

Laughter, deep and disturbing, an evil cackling like that of a demon.

“You are not a trusting soul, are you?” More cackling.

“Seeing is believing, so I’ve been told.” I move my arms, but there is nothing around me.

Suddenly I see a skull above me. It appears to be a projection of an image on a flat screen. Then I see a large constrictor snake boost itself through the hinged jawbone creating an image of my nightmares from my childhood.

“Look, I am in no mood for this.” I find myself panicking again.

“You have no choice, Arnold.”

“How did you know my name?” I feel as if I am going to faint.

“So much for you to learn, Arnold Hartman.” The disembodied voice sounds disappointed as if I had flunked my history test like I did in the sixth grade.

With a clap of hands, the room is filled with light. I was standing in the middle of a room without a stick of furniture, but the room was filled with people, relatively speaking that is.

“Let me introduce myself, I am Walter Mesophiles Hades.” His was the voice I had heard in the dark. His face was covered with sores and holes, but his smile was as horrible as I had imagined it would be. “Welcome to Haunting School.”

His outstretched elongated arms could reach around the entire room.

“Am I dead?” I asked meekly.

“As dead as a doornail.” An old man wearing a stove top hat replied in a dreary voice.

“Jacob Marley, please. Let’s not frighten our brand new student, shall we?” He smiled again. Every single tooth was sharpened to a fine point. “You may recognize some of our illustrious alumni standing around the room.”

“Hi sweetie, happy birthday.” A stunning woman stepped from the crowd.

“Marilyn, please. Hands off the new guy.” Hades rolled his eyes by removing them from his sockets and putting them in his open palm.

“Six score and twelve years ago, I went to see a play. A comedy I was told.” A very tall man stepped forward with a neatly trimmed beard.

“Mr. Lincoln, we have been over this.” Hades put his hand in the man’s face.

“This place is weird.” I shook my head.

“Be that as it may, you are now with us to learn how to haunt. Though I must admit the lessons are not very challenging.” He popped his eyes back into their sockets. I grimaced, because quite frankly it was rather gross to watch.

“I once shot an elephant in my pajamas. How he got into my pajamas I’ll never know.” He said smoking a cigar.

“Groucho, no jokes, remember?” Hades put his finger up inches from his nose. Hades took a breath. “As you can see Arnold, this is a fun class and as they say, an easy A. Do you have any preferences of where you’d like to haunt once you have earned your certificate?”

I gave it some deep thought, because there were so many people I wanted to scare the living daylights out of. My life was, to be honest, so boring and dull, because I always played by the rules. I always colored between the lines. I didn’t break the rules. I felt as if I was missing out and suddenly, I was feeling sad as I looked around the room at all of the ghosts assembled in the room.

Chad was my older brother who was always into my stuff and made fun of whatever I was doing. “Arn, you are such a dufus.”

“Leave alone, Chad.” I would whine, but he would intensify his attacks. He lived in a one room apartment where I could torment him twenty-four-seven.

Or there was Martin Fogle. He was a complete dweeb who still had a Star Wars blanket and liked to cheat during online games. I could come through wires and appear on the graphics. “Marty, I have destroyed your space fleet.”

Toby Sessman was a crybaby and a tattletale.

Hades stood next to me, “Arnold, you do not have to decide right now. Classes begin in twenty minutes.”

“When is that exactly?”

“Well, there isn’t a single clock in the place.” He whispered to me, “So, we just kinda wing it.”

“Where should I sit?”

“We don’t sit, we hover. That’s what ghosts do by the way.” He grinned. His breath could kill flies on a manure wagon.

“Okay.” I paused, because I wasn’t sure I wanted to know the answer, “How exactly did I die? I just don’t remember it at all.”

“Well, you were crossing the street when a bus-”

“Never mind. I’m getting the picture.”

“No, I don’t think so. It was quite a mess, really…”

“Got it.”

“I got a note for you.” A strange looking man handed me a piece of paper. Opening was written, ““I like killing people because it is so much fun. It is more fun than killing wild game in the forest because man is the most dangerous animal of all.”

“Who was that?” I pointed to a very somber man wearing thick glasses.

“Don’t pay any attention to him.” Hades shook his head, “We still have no idea who he is, but he did tell us he was the Zodiac Killer. He likes to haunt the park down in San Francisco.”

“Oh.” I stopped trying to swallow as the strange man floated around the room.

A woman without a head glided over. She was holding her head by her long curly hair in her right hand.

“Hi, I’m Queen Mary also known as Bloody Mary.” She smiled, well her head she was holding smiled. “Damn executioner took over fifty wacks before my head finally came off.”

“Still mad over that are we, Mary?” Hades shook his head.

“Damn right I am.”

Hey, Mary, I lost count of the number of whacks I took.” Another headless woman confronted Mary.

“Shut up Boleyn. You are always trying to one-up me.” Her head pouted.

“Well, it’s true.” Ann retorted.

“Ladies, please.” Hades shushed them, “Class is about ready to begin.”

I hovered near a pretty Japanese lady wearing a mask over her mouth.

“Hi, I’m Kuchisake onna.” Her voice was somewhat muffled by her mask.

“Sorry, what did you say?”

She removed the mask, and her jaw literally dropped to the floor revealing a mouth of various length fangs. Her eyes burned red like two burning pieces of charcoal. She managed to say, “I am a silt-mouth woman back in Japan.”

“Lovely.” I gasped.

A scream made me jump.

“No worries, Arnold. It’s just Screaming Jenny.” Hades began to write in the air with his finger.

“Sorry, I didn’t mean to startle you, but I was killed on a dark night in the woods where I lived by a train I did not see until it was too late. I was able to scream before I was cut to ribbons.” She explained.

“Good to know.” I nodded.

I would like to say that Screaming Jenny would be my last paranormal encounter, but I would have many more to meet and greet during class. I must admit, I keep forgetting that I am now one of their newest members. Hades taught me a lot of things I did not know when the class started. One thing was most of the class had a way of communicating with the living. One woman who played piano in some of the speakeasies in New York City would let the living hear some of the jazz tunes she was known to play back during Prohibition. One guy who was burned to death in his home by a fire set by a mob, likes to send smoke signals upon his appearance.

I am still trying to figure out what my signal will be. There are so many choices, but Hades tells me I have a whole eternity to figure it out. I don’t want to take that long. I’ve got some ideas, but Hades keeps telling me to think of one that will ensure I make the honor roll.

“Class in five minutes.” Hades holds up his hand.

“Five minutes? We just had class.” I shake my head.

“We don’t sleep, so why not?” A man with a hooked nose holding a golf club over his shoulder. “Name’s Hope. Bob Hope.”

“Hope?” I shrug.

“Sure, sure, already forgotten.” He takes a swing of his golf club. “Just like the Academy. No Oscar for me. I think it was rule.” He chuckles.

“Hello mister.” A young child looks up at me with sad eyes.

“Yes, sweetheart?” I go down on bended knee.

“I am looking for my mother.” She lets a single tear roll down her cheek.

“What does she look like?”

“Have you seen her?” She has a picture in the pocket of her pants.

“No, I have never seen her.” I answer, “I’m sorry.”

“It’s okay, I’ll ask someone else.” She tells me as she disappears.

“Time for class.” Hades announces, “Today we are going to begin our haunting lesson on how to disappear.”

This is good, because I need to learn how to do this.

“Using your pseudo plasm energy that comes from your core.” He says as he grunts, gnashes his pointed teeth together and squats. He becomes blurry before disappearing completely. “Now you try it.”

I watch as the other students begin to disappear. Then I copy what the others have been doing. “C’mon pseudo plasm, do your magic.”

Nothing. Nada.

I am the only one still visible in the classroom.

The little girl looking for her mother reappears and looks at me with a pitying expression on her face, “It’s okay, mister. I didn’t get it the first time.”

Great, being shamed by a child.

I try again. I grit my teeth. I squat. I close my eyes.

When I open them, I am still standing alone in the classroom.

“You are pretty thick, mister.” The little girl is now humiliating me.

“Arnold, you can see me after class.” Hades says as he reappears.

“Yes sir.” I bow my head as the humiliation is now complete. I am going to fail Ghost School, it would appear…or disappear which I can’t do.

“All you have to do is pucker and blow.” Marilyn instructs me.

“No, that’s to whistle, Marilyn.” Hades rolls his eyes.

“Sorry.” She giggles and blushes.

“D.B., could you help our new student?” Hades points to a man wearing sunglasses and a parachute. “Arnold, D.B. Cooper is the class expert in disappearing.”

“What about me?” A man wearing a suit jacket raises his hand.

“Sorry, Hoffa, D.B. is the champ. He can vanish while he’s standing in front of you, right?”

D.B. Cooper nods in complete confidence.

“One day, you’ll see who the real champ is.” He puffs out his chest as he pats the gun stuffed in his belt.

“Easy Hoffa.” Hades holds up his hand. “Alright, next lesson is how to walk through solid objects. Now, this is pretty simple since we are no longer made of living matter, but once you have disappearing and walking through objects, you are halfway to the learning objective.”

I felt that I could do this. My confidence was beginning to rise, but that little brat looked up at me with a half-smile as if she knew I was going to fail again.

“Here is a door.” Hades pointed to a door that wasn’t there a minute ago. The door was in a frame and closed. “So, let’s all come up here and walk through this door.”

Everyone nodded.

“You won’t be able to do it.” She jeered at me.

“I hope you never find your mother.” I sneered at her.

“You’re so mean.” She began to cry and with no hesitation ran right through the closed door. She had done that on purpose.

We all lined up. One by one the class walked through the closed door. I was in the back of the line hoping I could see what the trick was in

I did it, I walked through the door! And left a me-sized hole behind.

“Don’t lose heart.” Hades told me after class. “I can see you are willing. Sometimes it just takes a little practice.

And so I did. I practiced for five minutes in between classes. If anyone needed haunting lessons, it was me.

We had to learn how to make ghostly noises and groans. We had to learn how to manipulate items in the world of the living. I missed the world of the living.

During a ten-minute break, I managed to visit my home. Mom was sitting in her chair as dad read the newspaper.

“I miss him.” Mom choked back her tears as dad fidgeted uncomfortably behind his newspaper. “Chip, I miss him.”

I was stunned. I never even knew dad had a first name.

“Audrey, I miss him too.” He coughed, but I could see tears rolling down his cheeks as he hid behind his newspaper.

“I miss you guys too.” I sniffed.

“Chip, did you hear something?” She put her hand to her ear. Dad just shook his head.

“I think Audrey, that in your grief, you thought you heard something.” He tried to reason with her.

“No, no, that’s not it.” She snapped.

“It’s alright, dear.” He got up and gave her a hug.

Tears flowed from them both. I tried, but I could not cry which I felt was the cruelest thing about being dead.

“He was on his way to college. He wanted to be an electrical engineer.” She sobbed.

“And he would have been a good one, too.” Dad held mom.

I wanted to tell them I was flunking out of Ghost School.

It was time for class to start. I had to go.

“Arnold, how are you?” Hades did not even look up from his lecture notes.

“I think I know where I’d like to haunt.” I said firmly.

“Oh yeah, where would that be?” He smiled. His pointed teeth did not disturb me as much, but Kuchisake Onni did when she opened her mouth letting her jaw scrapes the floor. I was getting used to it, but it still was a bit unsettling.

“Excuse me.” She manages to say as she puts her place with a bony crunch.

“So, you were saying.” Hades tilted his head.

“544 Gladstone Street.” I say clasping my hands behind my back.

“Isn’t that your home address?” He tilts his head the other way.

“Yes.”

“This is not normal procedure.” He put his finger to his chin.

“Is it possible?”

“Possible, yes? Recommended no.”

“Why?” I shrug.

“You need to find a place that needs a ghost to haunt.” He explains.

“I need to go home.” I shake my head, “I was only twenty years old when I came here. I miss my parents; I even miss Chad and my dog Barkley. He is a good boy. Mom told dad he won’t eat. He just lies there all the time.”

“This is why this placement is not recommended.” He said sharply, a tone I had never heard him use before, “Ghosts are supposed to be scary and teach the living lessons about changing their ways before it’s too late. I wish I had a ghost. I wish someone would have told me to quit my evil ways.”

Bloody Mary walked by holding her severed head in her right hand.

Scary. When I was a little kid, I would hide beneath my blanket to keep the evil things in my dark room from eating me. I could hear them walking about as I hid under my blanket.

A wide smile suddenly spread across my face.

Chad. He definitely needs a ghost.

“I hate saying no.” Hades shook his head, “But hey kid, I’m willing to place you there, but you have to pass the class first.”

“Thank you.”

It was the motivation I needed. Suddenly I could disappear and walk though things. I partnered up with Kuchisake to learn a bone-chilling shriek. Working with Bloody Mary, I learned some great illusions to freak out the living.

“You can always remove your head even if weren’t executed.” She said in a sweet understanding voice. It was hard to believe that she was once to the gentry.

“Congratulations Arnold Hartman.” Hades smiled as he handed me my certificate.

“Chet, what’s on television tonight?" Mom asked as she sat on the other edge of the couch.

“Let’s see.” He nods as he turns the television on, “CSI?”

“I’d rather not.” She shakes her head

I throw off a ball of plasmatic energy aimed at the television and M.A.S.H. appears.

“Oh, Chet, this is what I want to watch.” She nods. He snuggles up close to her on the couch like they used to when I was younger.Chad is sneaking some snacks from the pantry in the kitchen. I float into the kitchen and just as he puts his hand in the open back, I give him a shriek only he will be able to hear. His face turns ashen as he screams and drops the bag. I laugh as he runs to his bedroom like his life depends on it.

It is good to be home.