A Tall Tale Of Us

It was the third year of my university studies. I was reminiscent of past winters, contemplating the melting snow. My eyes were glazed over with the sunbeams reflecting off surfaces. Last time I watched snow melt, I made a pledge to welcome intense sensation, whatever it may be. And as broad as it sounded, the universe was listening. I went back to studies at my Spanish university and the year was beginning pretty good. And then along came our new world literature professor. The first thing we all got to learn about her was that she was there at the university, teaching for almost 5 years now and none of us, present third year students has ever seen her before. Like ever. Strange but true how in the university one might never ever see some professors or just never notice them, or just never come across them at all up until the point when they do. This professor in particular was a different case scenario, because she was younger and her style was more on the hipster side. She was into colorful pants and sweaters and she was styling a pixie cut. It's safe to say that she had a certain vibe to her, of which we found out as soon as she entered into the auditorium. She freaking reeked of some queerness or at least decent exposure to that as soon as she let us, the students, see her walk toward her desk to start the class. The way she walked was so freaking telling of her character and it was merely impossible not to start questioning her sexuality right away. Later of course we found out, that the sudden nagging feeling was true and she, indeed, was an open lesbian, but for us, the students, that was something so unexpected. I realized she was somewhere on the gay spectrum almost immediately, but I wanted to be delusional for that one guess, because maybe, I could already tell what was coming.

So, the first class with her was a blast. We, the students, were all ears with her because she was so shiny, so new to us, so unbelievably confident and comfortable around us - she won our hearts right away. There was a question she raised for us students to answer, and weirdly enough, it was a question on Bible. Everyone went into thinking and recalling mode and I wasn't an exception. So, I thought about her question on what was the story with a whale 🐳 in the Bible and I remembered. Although, I didn't remember the story perfectly I still raised my hand. Thank goodness, it was easy to see me, because I've been sitting at the front desk and I could basically talk in my normal voice for her to hear me. So I replied with a story, that went like this: "there was a man, and he didn't want to go preach to those barbarians on that Nineveh land and he almost got digested by a whale 🐳. The man changed his mind about preaching once he was saved." And the professor was like "did the man have a name?" and I just stared at her, because I knew he had, but also wanted to see what her reaction would be. And so, she said it, that the name of the man was Jonah and that the rest was right. And when she was saying this she looked at me in such a manner as if noting hints of queerness in me along the way. She held her stare and I kept it, too. As if silently with her very eyes she asked me "are you also a little queer yourself?" to which I probably replied positively, because from that moment on it was on. After this first class our whole student group found out about her sexuality and my biggest fears were confirmed. She knew. She could feel my vibe. She probably already figured me out like no one did previously. She had her gaydar on. And it was going off on me.

The next thing I knew, I started avoiding direct eye contact with her, as if it was going to change her initial conviction about me somehow. It was all going through my mind and I didn't really know if it was objective at all. But my gut was telling me not to look her in the eyes, and I would avoid those eyes like a creep. And so, we had assignments and such, and I would be already very quiet and to myself all the time. Only when she called me to answer, then I would interact, otherwise my initiative went limp after our first interaction. One time I was the last one left to sign attendance in the journal, and the way we were left alone in the auditorium and standing close and not talking to one another grew intimate. And she would walk me to the door after that. I felt shivers from her vibe. 

And then we started strangely bumping into each other everywhere after class. I was walking to another school building after my P. E. class and she would be walking my way. And it was just impossible to miss her in the crowd, she was just right there, on the same trajectory. And if we had a test, she would walk past me several times making me feel stiff. And when it was hand in time, it had to be personal without passing things over, so I had to interact with her closely. But then things started to escalate even more. Once I went into the elevator and she was the only one to join me. We were ascending to class in such tension in that tiny elevator - I was about to faint. And I already realized that I was living a shared reality. I knew, she placed me on her map somewhere, and she was keeping track of me.

It was finally time to finish that course of hers. I was feeling uneasy, because by that time I grew intensely fond of her. I was about to write the last test of her world literature course. But the trick was, that after the test we would still have class, although the last one, but this class still required homework to be done and ready. So, I was greatly naive in thinking she would pass on me because I was of her species. And I was naive indeed, because what happened was that during that first half of the class when we were writing the last test, I was suddenly and unexpectedly joined at my desk by a handsome fellow student, who was a guy. And apparently for a female professor with a pixie haircut, a handsome male student was a good enough competition. This guy was my groupmate and so, I felt called to let him use my test answers. You should have seen the professor at this time. The way she was pacing the auditorium back and forth, and the way she was passionately calling our names for talking to one another during this final test time - she was very apparently jealous. She monitored our eyes and the closeness of our bodies at our desk. And she was very stiff about our talking to one another so closely and so directly eye to eye. So she threatened us with counted as failed test results and we finished our tests on that note successfully. And then the other half of the class began. 

During the other half of that class, I knew she would want to get back at me. I was taking the last class lightly and wasn't ready with homework. So she played around with names, called some students to answer. All the while, the tension in the auditorium was growing and I knew she set herself up for some kind of sassy revenge. I knew she would call me to answer. I could feel it nearing me, but also my fear of it was becoming all the more magnetic for that event. And inevitably she finally called me. By my name. Again, I was always choosing the front desk seat for "the smart girl" vibe of it. And so, I was sitting alongside that handsome guy, and the professor said my name. I really didn't know the answer to the voiced question. But I shuffled my papers to pretend I didn't expect the return of her attention. And she was looking at me. More like staring at me. And I was speachless. But then I looked at my desk mate for help and the professor burst out at him with "don't you chime in on this one or else!" and I knew she was still freaking jealous. And so, I just stated that I wasn't ready with the answer. And she started explaining generally to the whole class that some of us might have failed that last test and already need to cover for it with this last class' good answer. She assumed it could be anyone of us, the students. And then she turned to me and said " it can even be you". And I was so under the spell of her jealousy, that it seemed to me, that I had some power in this, and so I simply stated "I have nothing to say to that, really" and I added " honestly, I feel the same". And that last phrase made all the difference because it was the answer to the invisible question that had been out there during this whole course of hers. It was the moment, when something so utterly personal was suddenly so utterly mutual and clear. And it all felt ecstatic. I was looking her straight in the eyes, just sharing that moment of revelation. And it wasn't like she was waiting to get the confirmation about my feelings - it was exactly the opposite. It was priceless because there was supposed to be no major and outward reveal of anything we had going on between us. She and I shared our feelings publicly that day and no one freaking knew about it, at least not without a great deal of doubt. I was exalted. And edging from this confident emotional release. We were staring at each other in silence and a smile was creeping onto the corners of my lips and tugging on them. I was trying to contain the smile that was now making its way to my whole face and she freaking noticed it. She looked at my mouth and she started vaguely smiling to herself. And watching her allow herself that smile made me realize - we were completely on the same page with this. It was blazing me! And then she looked away and proceeded with concluding her class and her whole course with a little instruction on how to come get the final grade at the faculty office on that one specific day. She was so striking with what she had done to me that I knew, that the best way to conclude this for us would be to have some parody of a date. To have something, that we would consider our most sealed together moment - our very own date. And I imagined it to be close to impossible. But there was a bit of destiny for us in having to share a date and so, everything fell in line with that ultimate inescapable idea. 

So, the day when I had to get my final grade on that course has arrived. I was in much anticipation and hella nervous. But there were suddenly other things to be also nervous about. My mother was leaving for our home town that day and so I was booked to accompany her to the train. And the timing for that was expert because it was exactly the hours of work for the World literature faculty office. But I wasn't troubled. I knew, that the railway station was in manageable enough walking distance from our campus and so, it was safe to say, that I could make it on time. Or so I thought. 

I met with my mom that day and we had this mother-daughter play-date. I was surprised at how engrossed I was in the familiar topics and conversations. And then it was time to leave for the train. I was supposed to help with the multiple heavy bags, that my mom wanted to contraband back home. I was having a good one with those. They were unbelievably uncomfortably packed bags, uneven in size and odd in shape for hand carrying. It was my mom's fault at its finest. Anyway, I was pretty occupied with those in my thoughts and with my hands - so, the time flew. I was surprised at how much fun it eventually turned out to be, when I was waving my mom goodbye. And then I realized, that it was almost six in the evening. The course was wrapping in winter season, so the afternoons were darkening early and it was a whole starfilled shiny sky at the time of my realization. And I received a call from the faculty office to come there immediately because I was the last one left for final grade. I stiffened. And then I turned to look at the timely lit street light and the shape of the closest one to me looked like a full moon 🌕. And the look of this street lantern gave me a hint, that this evening was about to turn weirdly romantic. And man, was I right. Because as soon as I scurried to the university buildings it started to snow. And I, at this time, was feeling abnormally hot. So my shirt was out in polka dot and my jacket was completely unzipped. I was feeling this fresh feeling of destiny again. So I ran. Man, I ran like in those movies. And it was so hilariously satisfying. I was smiling to myself all the way there. And so, I arrived. 

When I ascended to the floor of the faculty office I could already sense the unwavering romance, and even before that I was enjoying every step as I was taking the stairs up the building. I didn't know what would happen in that office, if anything was even about to happen in the obvious manner, but I was definitely anticipating something that couldn't go unnoticed. So I knocked. And I entered the faculty office. And there were three professors at this late hour and still by their desks. To be quite honest, I was suddenly so nervous - I didn't notice my professor sitting in there, too. She was one of the three, but I was pretty unfamiliar with the positioning of her desk and, I was growing blind from nervousness. So, she called to me, seeing as I apparently was a little confused at my surroundings, and she immediately stated my being the latest of them all. I did explain myself. And honestly, I was surprised at my own blunt truth. That was a moment all in itself, but it wasn't "it" yet. I felt like I would know for sure if that moment should come. Something would tell me, that thanks to that moment alone this time would be considered our date. And I was waiting for that. Meanwhile, I gave the professor my student's book for my final mark, and while writing it down she pronounced it out loud as well. It was a great proud C. She signed me that book and was about to give it back to me. And here it came. The slowmo. She reached out her hand to me, holding my student's book and I was very careful not to be clumsy and miss anything, but apparently I overdid it because from the way I reached out for the book we ended up sliding our fingers from underneath it. And it all sent me in shell-shock. Yet there we were, sharing that intimate moment that deemed that encounter as a date. I would have never expected to be the one who actually instigated all of it. And that's the tall tale of us. I traced my fingers along hers underneath that student's book and it was transcending me. And not only me, apparently. She was holding her breath. But me, I was just standing there staring at her face at that point. And she probably came to her senses about it because she suddenly said to me: " well.. have a great evening!" And I was suddenly aware of her sensing the tension thickening. So I was quick to reply with a similar "thank you.. enjoy your evening!" and I left the office at that. My goodness!! I went flying above the ground. The smile was plastered over my whole being. I took a long walk around campus, so I could beam like summer in December all the way. I was pacing my breath tiptoeing over the frosted puddles of the alleys. And I was standing under the rooftops and their hanging icicles, daring them with my upturned face. It was something that felt complete. It was a whole crush that actually happened. And it wasn't our last interaction either. For the next semester I chose her as my vocational subject teacher and it was a whole blast, too. But that was a continuation of the initial story and that initial spark. And again, we didn't do anything crazy. We were enjoying our time having a mutual crush. And I finished that other course lead by her with that another great proud C.