TODAY WAS THE DAY....

Today was the day...The first day of Spring. I took a last swig of me morning brew and sauntered on down to the BYOB Gym (BUILD YOURSELF ON BOB as opposed to the bring your own beer gym). Hah! I wish! I wasn´t sure who this Bob character was either but I´d promised meself and even more importantly I´d promised Dahlia. I´d actually been promising her I´d get into shape since I´d met her and the months had turned into years and I could´nt see my feet anymore let alone anything else. BYOB wasn´t exactly the perfect place for my newly proposed physical awakening, but I was there now, so best to make the most of it. I said to meself, I’ll just call this an indroduction to the gym and take the pressure off meself….anyway, I’m greeted by the receptionist who is entirely too smiley for my liking.

“First time”? She says.

“No”, I reply, but in a way that would let her know I had absolutely never been to a gym before, but that I was pretty convinced I´d be flippin excellent at it! A few weeks from now, I´d be looking at the poor saps coming in through the BYOBD (The BUILD YOURSELF ON BOB DOOR) having just led a class in hot yoga. As I hand her over my hard earned reddies, I can feel a little smile start to creep over my face.

I´m a Gym Ninja, I told myself.

Having showered... I showered beforehand to save time... there were already people stretching, you know the kind of people, over-achievers, teacher pleasers, lime suckers. Rodrigo dont roll like that, Although, in saying that, I was that round, you could have probably rolled me around the gym. As I took my inaugral two minute ‘take it all in’, I realized that the room wasn’t actually that full and me proposed sixty minute sesh, wasn’t really that long, I could probly go the full 90. I’m chomping at the bit now to become healthier. I might get meself a nice green bubble tea after this, as a little treat like, for being deadly at the Gym, although I hate bubble tea and green is me least favourite colour, but it’s what the Rock drinks and look at him...could I get away with leaving now and just having the bubble tea?

No, thats not what a Gym Ninja would do, thats not what the Rock would do!

I begin my work out. A lengthy warm up, some deep breathing exercises, a little downward dog saluting the sun action. This is a piece of pish. I should have signed up for the yearly membership. Handy it is. I´m golden. I take a quick squizz around and notice I am not quite as flexible as the others, but the brown nose brigade didnt know, they had no idea this was me first time.

“First time”? The blonde adonis beside me asked, he seemed to have literally popped up out of nowhere.

“First time here”? He repeated the question because I hadn´t answered but was trying very hard to look really intense.

“Who me”?

“Are you talking to me”?

“Naw brah”? Brah? what was that, what was I even saying? It didn´t matter, I had to keep it going, “nahhhhh, me and Robert, yeah me and him go way back”. Hah! Stick that in your eco friendly grass pipe and smoke it.

“Who”? He asked.

“The owner”, I replied, trying to sound convincing.

“”Oh Roberta, really“”? “Nice one”!

“Shit”!

Unlike all the Gymbots, I’m not wearing a fitbit, but it feels like me sesh is really crawlin. Sound, no worries at all. The bubble tea will taste twice as...bubbely. Fifty minutes-ish later and I’m still warmin up!!!! I cant feel me legs…!!! Better start to cool down I think!!!

Are you ok mate, a toned girl on bike looks at me.

“Me? I’m golden”! I reply.

I wasn´t golden, I was dyin. The body never lies and what my body was saying was, what are you doin? Why are we doing this? We could be at home with Dahlia watching The Rock do this on Netflix. My body was right. What the ever loving be jaysus was I thinkin. The truth hurt. Hurt real bad. I tried to stand up but the floor seemed to be made of jelly, was it the floor, I couldn´t really tell, I couldn´t see the floor. Does dizziness count as workout? I bet if I had a fitbit now it would be applauding me.

Time to go, I have to get out of here. A real muscloid was making his way over to me.

“Woah champ”, “You ok there?”, “So are we going to do this or what?”….

Do what? Pick out gravestones? Matching plots? Here lies Rodrigo Blanco. He tried the gym!

“Ahhh, I have another engagement”, I lied.

The truth is, I’m so tired now I’m not entirely sure how I’m going to get from here to the changing room, let alone home.

“Let´s just do a quick fitness test if you are in a hurry”, the trainer said. “Lie flat on your back and”...

“No problem, I thought, that, I can do”,...

“...and lets see how many situps you can do”? He continued.

Situps? I can´t even sit up to stand up to leave. Jesus..!! Even lying down is getting hard now… I´m not even sure how I got to the changing room. I must have passed out.

I can’t actually even remember getting into to the shower. Somehow I had pulled meself up off the floor, mumbled some excuse to the muscloid and shuffled me way past all the spectators on their threadmills. I’d say I was like that drunk guy that thinks he's ok and is carried along by the sheer weight and force of his head. As I splosh on the Radox wishin they were epsom salts, a little “Bloody hell”, escapes my lips, the guy next to me under the shower curtain shouts

“You in Max Powers Class too? “That chic is immense”.

“Yeah ha, yeah...”I try to think of more words but my lips have given up. I´m drying meself with the little micro fibre towel Dahlia had gotten me as a present for deciding to come here. It takes me forever. I´m so big, the towel is so small. I change into me sweats somehow, wishing I was already at home.I start sweating again and my sweats become...wets.

“SCREW YOU ROBERTA”!!

The smiley faced receptionist sings at me “Dont leave it too long, come back and see us again soon”..

“What? Did she say something”? I couldn´t really be sure, my ears had thrown in the towel and the sweat had fully clogged them up, surely this counted as a swim? In the taxi on the way home...dont judge me, sometimes even Ninjas need to get places fast. It felt so good to just sit, I got real comfy on the seat. I could see the driver watching me in his mirror. I felt a strange feeling come over my body. Pride!

“Can you see me floating”? I asked him…… “I’m a GYM NINJA you know”..!!

Okay, now let’s not get ahead of ourselves, I´m not saying I´m ever going to go back to the BYOB but if I do, I definately won´t be warming up. But let´s take it one shuffle at a time shall we.

“Grab, pull, bend, twist”, I say to Dahlia…..

“You deserve this”, Dahlia said, opening my can. “I´m very proud of you”.

Golden.