Where the Air is Clear

Pulling back the living room curtain revealed the surreal scene outside: a bright orange orb floating in a dark, gray sky. The air out there is horrible, she thought to herself, feeling trapped another day inside. Lori Michaels had often contemplated moving but they had lived there so many years it was hard to pull away. But now, with the fire season growing longer and wider every year, she knew it was time for the wind to shift.

Thank goodness we’re leaving tomorrow for the holidays, she thought, an annual event at Bryan’s sister’s home, one she didn’t usually look forward to. Ada Michaels, the matriarch of the family, had passed four months ago, leaving a legacy fraught with unresolved feuds and buried secrets. This would be the first gathering without her. And a time to discuss the future of the family business.

At least the air will be clear there, she thought.

~~~~~~~~~~~

“Be careful. There’s a twister in there!” Lori said when Robin came walking up onto the porch, returning from running errands. Finding her sister-in-law sitting on the porch swing gazing out at the pond, Robin stopped in her tracks. 

“What’s going on?” Robin asked.

“Oh, you know. The usual. Those two can’t stay out of anyone’s business. Bryan is all in with your sisters right now and I had to withdraw my cards from the game,” she said. “I’m out.”

Robin stood silent, looking at Lori.

“I’m sorry to have to be so blunt but it’s time to clear the air, Robin, end the charade. They are toxic. Like the air in California right now that grays the skies and poisons us all. Making us ill, creating separation from loved ones. Making us desperate for clarity. That air is nothing compared to what’s inside your house right now!” Lori finished, returning her gaze to the tranquility of the pond.

“I’ve taken leave of them for good. You and Bryan need to face this tragic saga without me,” Lori stated definitively.

“What does that mean, Lori? We’re family. What are we supposed to do exactly?” 

“They may be family, Robin, but they are just people and you have a choice to include them in your life or not, it’s as simple or as hard as you want it to be.

Robin was silent.

“I learned this thing on one of my retreats a couple of years ago,” Lori began. “It’s called Pratyahara and it finally came into play for me, like an actual real thing, not just some esoteric scrawl in an ancient text.”

Robin blinked, waiting for more.

“It's a teaching in the Sutras that has many meanings, see, but one of the things it suggests we do is to engage in sensory withdrawal from anything that harms us.”

Robin set her shoulder bag down and sat on the top step, looking towards Lori for further explanation. She wasn’t one to explore her inner world in that way but she was always open to hearing about it. Lori loved that about Robin, her endearing and open heart, her receptivity and sweet nature. She was always a breath of fresh air in the turbid climate of Bryan’s family.

“Pratyahara is, like, ‘kill your TV’ or whatever. Quit smoking. Don’t eat junk food. Don’t go for a run outside when there is dangerous fire smoke in the air. Stop polluting your internal space, you know what I mean?” Lori asked.

“What about that joint, then, Lori?” Robin joked, with a wink and a nod to the half burned joint resting next to Lori on the porch swing. She wasn’t one to judge, her sisters did enough of that for the whole family, she knew.

“That? It’s purely therapeutic,” Lori said.

“Here’s the thing, Robin,” she continued. “For years I’ve navigated the storm of those two as best I can because it's important to Bryan and to please your mother. And I’m the first one to say let’s find common ground instead of mining the sludge of our ugly differences. And I was happy to keep the peace for your mother’s sake, but she’s gone now. And after so many years of putting up with it, I have to practice self-care and remove them completely from my life. So I can breathe free again. Do you understand? Clear the air.”

She leaned forward towards Robin, searching for agreement.

Robin glanced towards the closed front door of her home, knowing what was brewing on the other side of it. Her brother Bryan was in there with them, battling something out. The older sisters were identical twins. Twin sisters. Though they were often referred to as “the Sin Twisters,” a turn of phrase that was an apt moniker. Bryan and Robin often spoke of their unannounced and unwelcome visitations as a “Twinvasion.” He used levity. To weather the storms.

Bryan said the twin sisters lived in an echo chamber - when one of them got an idea, no matter how dangerous or outrageous, the other would validate it and fan the flames. Like a wild wind, they would sweep across the landscape leaving nothing but detritus behind, unaware of the messes they left for others to clean up. They were strongly opinionated, aggressive and disruptive. And some would say those were their better qualities.

They had some positive attributes, sure, but those were hard to see through the fog of chaos. Robin knew Lori had come from an easy family and had struggled for years with how the twins talked to and treated others, that she coped by turning a blind eye and a deaf ear, keeping her opinions about them to herself in an effort to keep her sanity intact. Until now, evidently.

Lori mostly didn’t even think about the twin sisters but then, suddenly, there they would be out of the blue, on the doorstep expecting to be hosted for days. Or weeks. Like stray cats, once you put that saucer of milk down, there was no getting rid of them. Lori had grown tired of the imposition and the entitlement. As she had gotten older and bolder, she began to voice her thoughts freely to Bryan to the point of putting pressure on their marriage.

She could only hope it would not cause resentment or irreversible damage. Lori just didn’t understand his enabling of their bad behavior and encouraged him to be honest about the effect the sisters had on everyone they came in contact with. She had suggested to him on the plane that it might be time for a reckoning. He had just shrugged his shoulders and rolled his eyes, gone back to his book.

Robin sat quietly on the steps for a moment letting Lori’s words sink in. She recalled the time of a recent family reunion when the three of them had made a pact the day before the twins arrived to avoid any arguments. It was a conscious effort to honor their mother’s wishes for a peaceful family time together. If one of the twins went right, they would go left. Like masterful Aikido practitioners, they would turn the conversation. Deflect and redirect. Avoid the bait and change the subject. 

It had worked well for their mother that weekend, she seemed happier than they had seen her in a long time. But for Bryan, Lori and Robin, they were left to end each day around the table drinking bottle after bottle of red wine after everyone else had gone to bed, recapping into the wee hours about the twins’ tireless efforts to pollute the air once again. It was a tired routine and they knew it, but they had vowed to keep the peace for their mother in case it was their last reunion together, and it had been.

From their front porch proximity, the two women could hear voices getting louder on the other side of the door. A shouting match was well underway. Robin sighed, stood up, picked up her shoulder bag and cast a worried expression towards Lori just before slipping inside the door of her house. Lori felt a refreshing breeze of relief brush over her. Just before Robin returned, she had laid it all out to the twins in no uncertain terms: she was done with them for good and would no longer tolerate their presence in her life. She had slipped out the door and found her perch on the front porch before they could respond.

She had always felt the twin sisters possessed an affliction that did not allow them to be self-reflective, apologetic, filtered or rueful. Like hamsters on a wheel, they were caught in a cycle of repeating their transgressions without regret in utter perpetuity. For years, Lori had exercised compassion and acceptance, but it wasn’t a sustainable method any longer. Her meditation teacher, Martin, had told her to approach the twin sisters as a gift, as an opportunity for spiritual practice.

“It is the difficult people and situations in our lives that are our best teachers. They can awaken our spirit and help us grow,” he had said.

That helped her for a time, but deeper inquiry had taken her towards the teaching of Pratyahara - as she had explained to Robin - the movement away from unnecessary sensory toxins.

“I don’t need teachers like that,” she had informed Martin one day after class when he inquired about her progress with her particular dilemma.

“I am not interested in anyone who causes such unhappiness. I need only those who teach by example how to live honestly and harmoniously through kindness, generosity of spirit and love,” she revealed, with absolute resolve.

Martin had nodded and smiled, “I understand you perfectly.”

~~~~~~~~~~

The weather had turned cooler as the day wore on. Sitting on the edge of the bed in their upstairs bedroom that evening, Bryan suddenly dropped the news, like a flash of lightning clear out of the blue.

“The twins have asked if we would move into mom’s house for the next year or two, tend to the family business with them.”

“Uh. What?” Lori said, taken quite off guard, turning to look at him more directly. 

The sisters had decided Bryan was the best candidate to take the helm, proposing the idea to him after the flames of their heated argument had died down. Bryan explained further to Lori that they would all live together in the house for free. That it would provide an immediate option for them to leave Oakland.

“My goodness, Bryan, did they not hear me when I told them I can’t have them in my life anymore? I mean, short term memory is one thing, but this is complete denial. Or worse. Like I didn’t even speak!” Lori was incredulous at this new development. She was in disbelief that Bryan would even consider it.

“I know. I think they are really asking me to do it. With or without you,” Bryan said, with a look of distress on his face. “We’ve have been talking about getting out of Oakland, right? So, couldn’t we do this? And maybe, just maybe you can resolve your differences with them and . . .”

Lori marched out of the room, stopped and pivoted, returning to where Bryan sat on the bed. Throwing up her arms, she looked at him and said, “I can’t believe this. I don’t have ‘differences’ with them Bryan, they are irredeemable! Impossible! Wasn’t anyone listening to what I said?”

Bryan stared at her, unable to take in all the grief. He was always turning away from anything unpleasant, never able to address things head on when the going got rough.

“We don’t need their help in leaving Oakland. Let’s make our own plans, Bryan. We have our own careers to think about, anyway.” Lori had reached her limit. She could feel the heat rising.

Bryan sat looking at the floor, silent. Now, unable to meet her eye.

“They are my family, Lori,” he said in a low voice. 

“WE are family, Bryan. You and me. Doesn’t that count for something?” Lori asked.

“They’re blood, Lori,” Bryan replied, looking up at her now as though he didn’t understand how she could not see that simple truth. “Blood is thicker than water.

“So, what am I? Water?” she said.

“Ya know, you could just be more supportive, just deal with them in support of me. And saving the family business.”

“Are you kidding? I’ve been supportive for so many years, so tolerant. And since when did you ever care about the family business?”

She paused.

“It seems you are at a crossroads, Bryan. I can’t go along with this, I’ve already made that clear.

“It’s them,” she took a deep breath before committing to her thought. “Or me.

“Your choice, buddy, your life,” she said, and she was down the stairs and out of sight of him in seconds flat.

~~~~~~~~

Lori lay sprawled across the king-sized bed in her hotel room, reading the morning news on her phone. It was another Spare the Air day back in Oakland, the twelfth day in a row.

“I am so over that,” she said aloud to herself.

She had gone back upstairs after Bryan had gone to bed last night, packed her bag in the dark, booked a room at the Best Western across town and called an Uber. When he realized she was gone, he’d sent her several texts. She had waited until morning to respond, explaining to him that she could never agree to moving in with them, working with them.

More importantly, that she would not be rendered mute, her words and feelings ignored because it was inconvenient for others. Bryan asked her to come back to Robin’s and work things out but she told him she could not.

“You might as well be asking me to solve trigonometry, Bryan. I’ll never understand it as hard as you try to teach it to me.”

~~~~~~~~~~~

Bryan stood on Robin’s front porch that morning, coffee mug in hand staring out across the tranquil pond. Robin came out to join him, asking about Lori. When he told her what was happening, she rubbed his back and smiled softly, her head tipped to one side, coaxing his gaze into her warm, brown eyes.

“Listen, Bryan. You need to make this right. Any way you can,” she said. “Decide what you want your life to be, where you want your love to go. To the business? To Lori? Or to them,” she said nodding her head towards the screened in sun room where the twin sisters were indulging in a big breakfast, courtesy of Robin’s unwavering largess.

“Why do I have to choose?” Bryan asked.

“Maybe you don’t actually have to choose. You do have to let Lori stand on her own ground, though.”

“But everything’s going to be hard, now. How will I keep the peace with the twins and -”

“Bryan. That’s not Lori’s job. It’s your problem to figure out," Robin said. “Besides, how could it be any harder than anything else you’ve had to endure with the twins, I ask you!”

They both laughed and hugged each other deeply, Bryan so grateful for Robin’s love and wisdom. The twins were suddenly bursting out of the front door to disrupt their sweet moment, asking what all the lovey-dovey stuff was, where was Lori and here is what’s on the agenda today and everyone be ready in one hour. The usual routine. 

“Twins. Lori is not here but I am going to get her. And then the two of us are gonna do whatever we want to do today,” Bryan stated firmly. He walked past them and through the front door, taking the stairs two at a time up to the bedroom to call her. 

“What’s THAT all about!” the twins said in unison.  

Robin just shook her head and went inside.

~~~~~~~~~~

Bryan returned from his hike with Lori to find the twin sisters sitting in Robin’s sun room, drinking wine and indulging on an elaborate array that Robin had laid out for them, lost in their private reverie.

“We’re not interested,” Bryan announced bluntly.

“Not interested in what?” one of them said without looking up from her plate.

“Lori and I are not interested in moving into mom’s house with you and taking care of the business. We’re going to make our own plans,” he stated firmly. “You shouldn’t even have asked me after she told you she didn’t want anything more to do with you two. I mean, what the heck, didn’t you catch that drift? Weren’t you listening?”

Within minutes, the climate in the room changed. A wind whipped up, heavy with accusation and blame. An orange glow from a late afternoon sun filled the room with a strange light. The air between them became so thick you could cut it with a knife. After spending the day with Lori, hiking under blue skies and gentle breezes, it had become obvious to him that the weather was just better with her. The air scented sweet with pine duff, euphonious birdsong delightful in his ears. The view across an endless horizon as clear as a bell. He could see forever with her. Unobstructed. Not a cloud in the sky.

~~~~~~~

As the Uber arrived and drove the twin sisters away from him, Bryan stood with his fists jammed tightly into his pockets. Slowly, he released the tension in his hands, withdrawing them from his pockets. His heart began to soften, his senses slowly allowed the clouds to dissipate. He would text his wife and give her the “all clear” to come back to Robin’s. They would begin a new conversation. The one about where they would move to and begin again. Somewhere. Where the air was clear.