Coming of Age Sad Fiction

I'm Amanda FYI, well who cares you didn't even ask for my name and here i am babbling either way because i'm bored. let me tell you my story right here right now. i'm saying it here maybe because i don't have any other place to bleed myself. i ran away from home when i was sixteen. not because i caused any trouble but because i couldn't tolerate my parents. i never had a good relationship with my parents like my brother did. they found a fault in everything i did and said. they would criticise me in front of my relatives and strangers. and most of all, they made me hate myself for who i am. i was their disappointment, the black sheep of the family.

ever since 16, i lived a carefree life. at first i was scared but then i found life. i realised that even i can be happy in the world. i wouldn't say i had it easy after running away from home but i definitely can say i'm living a better life and a happy one in fact. when i turned 25 i was at a party with my friends. i considered them as friends because when i didn't have anyone, they were there for me. they were getting so loud and as i was already drunk, i couldn't bear to listen to them. my head was about to burst and i wanted to scream and shout at them to shut their friggging mouths. but i was scared. i was scared that they will leave me too.

i slowly got up mumbling that i need to use the toilet. well i really don't want to go but i might feel better if i puke as, the way i am now, i won't be able to go back to the apartment without making a scene. almost stumbling with every step i took, i made my way towards the toilet. thank god, its empty. i opened the door to one of the toilets and unfortunately, i was too drunk to realise that someone had followed me. i opened the door and was about to close it when i stumbled. before i could get a face slap from the dear floor, someone grabbed me from my waist and pulled me straight up making me turn towards him. i almost cursed but stopped when i saw it was Barnie, one of my friend's boyfriend.

"Thanks Barnie.", i mumbled and tried to get away from him. i never had a good impression on him and from the very first day i met him, i realised that i should never cross him for a reason.

when i tried to get away, he pulled me closer to him and before i could protest pushed me into the toilet and closed the door behind. i screamed. i screamed until my lungs gave away. i kept pushing him but he was so strong for me and it was useless as i was already drunk more than i could handle. once i was able to kick his stomach but, it was a mistake. he cursed and tightly closed my mouth with one hand and did whatever he wanted to do with me as i stayed immobile, not being able to scream and being scared to push him as i was already hurting.


my whole body was aching and i couldn't move a muscle. i could hear noises around me. with much difficulty i opened my eyes and tried to remember where i am. then i realised what happened. the only thought on my head was to get away. i was still inside the bar toilet. putting weight to the wall i got up but my eyes went black seeing the sight before me. there was blood everywhere. i started shivering when it was not even cold. i didn't want to look down but i had to. i slowly looked down clutching my hands tightly like i have never done. my skirt was soaked with blood. and it all came back to me. i realised i was raped. more than that i realised that i can't talk about it. to anyone. i have seen the way people talk about raped women. they blame them. they blame women rather than blaming the men. with every remaining strength i ran out. i didn't care if anybody saw me, i had to get out. i ran to my apartment went straight to my room and closed it. the only good thing was my apartment was like five mins away from the bar. i wanted to scream and cry but i didn't. i took a wash and put the clothes inside the dustbin. i felt disgusted. out of nowhere a sense of loneliness hit me and i remembered my family. i hated them but they are the ones that i now want to see the most. i didn't cry. i didn't deserve to cry. all i could do was sleep. sleep like nothing happened. in my dreams i would remember what happened to me. at nights i would scream and wake up. but i slept back. i covered my face with the pillow and i slept.

after a week i realised something was wrong with my body. i kept vomiting even when i didn't eat anything. my body was too heavy for me to carry. i left my room and slowly walked to the pharmacy and asked for medicine. but the woman working there, gave me a one look and told me to do a pregnancy test. i did it. i knew i was pregnant even without having to do one. i have seen the changes that happened to my mother when she was pregnant with my brother. i knew everything.

that's why i stopped eating. i starved myself for weeks. i wanted to die. i wanted the thing growing inside me to go away. more than anything i was scared. even when wanted to eat so badly, i didn't eat a single bread crumb.

but something happened. after two months, i was walking down the stairs barely standing as i didn't have any strength at all i slipped all the way down to the bottom. i should have screamed because my whole body started to ache. but part of me smiled, i would die. i would be able to finally get away from this hell. the landlady saw me lying and i could hear her calling for an ambulance. i couldn't move my body nor speak. for the first time in my life, i regretted leaving home 9 years ago. i regretted for not having the courage to hold on. i regretted for not treasuring my family, for giving them up. and most of all i regretted for not telling them i loved them regardless of everything.

it's been exactly a year since the accident. luckily or unluckily the thing that was growing inside me was taken out after the accident. i heard it had died. i saw my parents after years and they didn't say anything. they must have thought i was married. they didn't say anything about the baby. i knew they had questions. but they didn't ask and i didn't tell. when i first saw them, i was taken away. my parents had grown so old and my brother had married. when they saw me at the hospital they were crying. i could see how happy they were to see me, even with a broken arm and a leg. and i was happy too after so many years, i smiled. i couldn't look upto their eyes but i smiled when they were looking away. when it was the time to finally go, my dad, held me so tightly and told me to come home. and i cried. everything that was built inside me came out. i cried with every little bit of strength i had. and when i was done, i looked up to their eyes and said what i wanted to tell them so badly,

"Thank you. thank you so much! I'm really sorry for everything i did and for every pain i caused." my parents hugged me tightly nodding and i knew they forgave me, but i made a promise to myself, that i would give my entire remaining life to them. i would do everything i couldn't do for them and i would make them smile because, when i didn't have anyone they came. they took care of me without a single complaint. they made me live when i wanted to die. and today, at 56 years old, i could proudly say that i'm proud of my parents and that i was glad that they made me live. i was glad that they made my life worth to live. and most of all, i was glad for loving me even when i did wrong and for taking care of me when i hurt them more than i could ever forgive myself for.

November 23, 2020 14:47

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Graham Kinross
09:48 Dec 04, 2022

“they would criticise me in front of my relatives and strangers,” never understood that kind of parenting, if it’s about her being a girl then they should have understood that there was a chance of having a girl and it’s not her fault what she is. Don’t understand why people wouldn’t stand up for her as well. Being bullied by anyone is hard but when it’s your own parents that’s abysmal. “regretted for not treasuring my family,” maybe her life would have been better but people who put you down to the point that you run away are nothing to tr...


Naduni De Silva
17:12 Dec 04, 2022

hmmm.., ur comments definitely make sense and as it's been kinda long since i wrote this i cannot exactly say what was on my mind. But usually i tend to write when i'm emotional. but i do agree with ur views!!!!


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