A Successful Joke

Let's be honest, it's been an interesting year in the jobs department. As a freelancer, even harder. With everyone stuck inside right now, my job has not only become a lot harder to complete, but it's been considerably harder to get any work at all, seen as not a lot is moving forward. I am sort of hoping with everyone being stuck alone with their thoughts, they will have started to think of all the people they don’t want back in their lives come the new world, which coincidentally, will provide me with a lot more job opportunities. But, as of now, there isn’t a terrible amount of work. So here I sit, browsing the web in my fluffy, animal print pyjamas, day after day, desperate to find something that I can apply my previous job skill set to. And, let's be honest, in the real world, there are not many jobs that crossover with my work as a freelance assassin. 

Settling in to another day of trying to convince the world that, if I tried, I could make an excellent IT technician;I didn’t think this would be any different than any other day since March. Why would it be, nothing has changed? It was a dark, grey,uneventful day and I was just getting comfortable, big mug of coffee in hand, slippers on my feet, when I received a call. Now, I never receive calls not at all, unless its work related of course. I like to move alone and my previous life has never brought around lasting friendships. Something about being a professional killer normally puts people off. So, when it rang, I almost jumped out of my skin For a few seconds, I had to fumble around the screen with my clammy hands in an attempt to answer it, desperately trying to remind myself how the stupid thing worked . Finally, after some work, I successfully answered the call, and held the phone tentatively to my ear. 

“Hello?” I asked nervously

“Hello, I am contacting you about your recent job application at Smith’s Superstore” 

I racked my brain, Smith’s...Smith’s?...Smith’s! Of course, on a particularly dull day last month, i had amused myself by imagining myself behind a checkout. A dark omen of death, standing tall above an elderly lady with her shopping trolley, wearing a tasteful blue and yellow number. I almost made myself laugh out loud, immediately having a heavy realisation that this is what my life had come to, laughing at my own jokes on a Wednesday afternoon. 

“Yes, of course” I said a lot more confidently over the phone. The lady at the other end seems to take this as a good sign, as she sounded a lot less confused as she continued. 

“Well, firstly, I want to congratulate you on getting this role! We went through many applicants and your CV really stood out to the team. We would love to have you on board!” 

I went silent for a second, absolutely gobsmacked. Covering my mouth, I had to hold my breath to stop myself from laughing out loud at the sheer absurdness of me, not only being considered for the role, never mind actually being successful.I can’t believe I applied as a lonely joke and actually got the part. I took a moment to take a look in the mirror again, the dark eeriness oozing from me and around my comfortable attire. I stood tall, almost not filling the reflection, with the aura around me giving off a sense of unease. In my days as an assassin I had looked completely the part, like the role was fit for me. A pang of sadness passed through me as I looked at my form. I missed the late night shift and the feeling of exhilaration after a successful kill. These past few months had really been the total opposite of what I was used to, sitting around, in the daylight, with very little do. Right at my prime as well, how cruel. However, this really was a turn for the books. If you had asked me a year ago if I would be having this phone call...well if you asked me a year ago I would have probably just killed you, just a natural response. Look at me now, a blue and yellow uniform with my name on. 

“That's great” I boomed down the phone” 

“Fab!” She replied enthusiastically “Can you start Monday? We will finalise some of the details about shifts and uniform then if that's okay?”

“Sounds great” I said, before a bemused thought came to my head “Out of curiosity, what about my application did you find...fitted the bill”

“Oh, let me just check my notes...Oh yes, now I remember. We were particularly impressed by your CV of freelance work, especially the shift patterns, something essential to the role. There was also a mention of working with people...and completing tasks on time and to a high quality. Yes, yes all good stuff, can’t wait to get you started” 

I was shocked by her response. Here was me wondering if assassintion and retail would ever be able to cross paths, yet here it was, down on paper. I know....working with people is a bit of a stretch, but I mean no one mentioned how...alive they would have to be…

“Brilliant, thanks!” I said gruffly 

“Okay” She continued “So Monday yeah? Around 10am?

“Yes, no problem”

“Fab! Speak to you then!” She said before hanging up the phone. 

Now, I know I had applied as a joke, not thinking I could ever get it. And I know this is the last place I expected to be working. But as I reimagined myself behind the till, a toothy grin grew across my face. But not one of amusement, oh no, I felt pure happiness. For once, in this terribly crazy year, something good has come around. The assassin who worked at a supermarket. Who would have thought?