Letter of truth

For years, I have longed to meet the soul that I could share my truth with. The lover who would undeniably claim me and save me from this hellish prison we call a home. I have searched the brown sugar dunes of Lake Michigan and plundered the darkest copper mines. I've held seances under the light of full moons. Even pleaded with Gaia and prayed to the stars above for a soul worthy of my truth and unconditional love.

So much time has passed from whence I started and not a single flame could withstand the trove of trauma my heavy heart bares.

Somewhere along the way, in the search for you and I, I forgot who I was. Buried under deep masking and a false persona. In one last attempt to find you, I intend to send a bottle afloat bearing a letter of my truth, until then my lips are sealed.

Dear Lover,

Please be patient with me.

I’m working on my soul growth.

I’m rediscovering who I am. 

It's been a long journey and I’ve strayed from the path many times.

Spent nights staggering home in the cold dark.

Binged on Ben and Jerry.

Looked for my purpose in the faces of strangers.

And stared down the long neck of an empty bottle begging for answers.

Through my trials, this truth I've discovered; when we pretend to be someone other than who we are, our true self hides in fear and shame. The fear of being discovered and the shame of not being enough. The most beautiful and surprising lesson for me was finding out that we are each other's wounded healers. We are all wounded and broken. We are all searching for something or someone. And someone who is devastatingly broken as I am, can be put back together in a way that makes them more beautiful and resilient than ever before. I cannot wait for the moment when I can reveal myself and finally embrace you.

Until then I’m healing my inner broken child who feels abandoned. I’m comforting my teenage self who is hungry for stability and revenge. I often wonder how long this process will take, but the truth is pain, trauma and grief distort time. And even though this is my life right now, I keep reminding myself that it won't be my life forever.

Please be patient with me lover.

There are days worse than others. When I feel so raw and exposed, fragile and defenseless. I feel as if I may die never knowing you. Nothing makes sense, I question my reality. Truthfully I am grieving for a me who no longer exists. Old me seems foreign and I don't even recognize her. I wonder if you'll recognize me? As I search for you and for the remnants of who I truly am. I’m also grieving a life or the idea of this “perfect life”, I so desperately wanted for my future and our family. A life that was just never meant to be. 

Despite all of this I also find myself wondering, why now? As if the question itself holds the answers. But that's grief, it doesn't make appointments. It has its own timeline. And I'm no longer embarrassed by my grief. I no longer hide myself among fear and shame. I've held onto a lot of things, carried them in silence and often hid the truth even from myself. I am broken. Grief is my friend. I embrace and accept my grief. It does not define me and I invite grief to heal my broken parts. And I invite you lover to come find me to love me, wholly and unconditionally.

Please be patient for me.

You shall find me….waiting it out.

Weathering the storm.

Identifying toxic old habits, releasing my past.

Welcoming my future and embracing my present.

It's a process.

Please be Patient with me lover.

I’ve heard waiting things out is one of life’s greatest lessons.

Love, Your Soul Mate

Before I sealed the above letter, I spritzed it with my favorite floral perfume. A little pizzazz of flare for the future beholder. Gently rolling the pages and pushing them through one of the endless empty red wine bottles lining my cabinets. Shall this ever reach its intended owner may he recognize my truth and come find me waiting.

I slip my sandals on and throw my purse over my shoulder, mentally mapping out the route I will take to the beach. Bottle in hand, I head downstairs and out my front door. It's a sweltering mid-summer day in August. Just a few hours before sunset. I push my keys into the ignition and hear the roaring of the engine come to life followed by the click of my seat belt. Traffic is surprisingly lite, and the birds and insects are rejoicing as I whiz by. The hum of mother nature has me buzzing with excitement and possibility. It's two rights, straight for 1 mile than a left. As I make the last sharp left turn, I pull into the board walk parking lot. The red east breakwater lighthouse greets me like an old friend.

Its been too long. I grab the bottle and trek my way to the shoreline. My feet sinking into the warm gritty sand. I slowly make my way to the water's edge scanning the beach for rocks and baubles. But nothing catches my eye. I've reached the shore, and my toes are met with the cool water. I pause for what feels like an eternity. The lapping waves tickling my bare feet. My face turned upwards drinking in the golden rays of sunshine. And the fresh breeze dancing in the whisps of my loose almond locks. Just in time for me to witness the sun kiss the horizon goodnight. It was as if the Universe had prepared the perfect ballad of love just for us and my letter of truth. With one deep breath and a step forward I hearl the bottle into the water whispering to myself "come find me lover."