I Just Can't Deal

  I don't know if I'm the only one facing this torture; where your mama doesn't let a week go by without bringing up the marriage talk. She feels I'm of age to be married, so she isn't giving me breathing space, and truth be told, she's so good at it. 

Sometimes I want to dance and rejoice because it's Saturday night and it seems like she has forgotten about pestering me with the topic, then my dad goes on ignorantly and says something about a friend or a neighbour, and I find myself going to bed in a foul mood, because, she's somehow found a way to link an innocent topic with my not having anybody currently in my life. I'm so fed up.

I don't want to even begin thinking about how annoying it is, because I'm just twenty-three years old. I began working as an accountant with dad last year after graduation, on our rice farm, and I think accepting the job was my biggest mistake. Mama won't let me rest, while dad is annoyingly silent while she blabs. 

In case you're wondering why I took the job, I don't need to explain myself to you. But let's just say Santa came to town earlier this year, so I'll spill my gut. 

I can't afford to be broke, simple! That makes sense right?  

So here I am in one of the Northern States in my country Nigeria; Kebbi State to be precise, living a very frustrating life and I'm not even old. 

On its own, Kebbi State is dry land. I mean people call it a desert because it's very hot, like scorching hot, that having more than one functional air conditioner, is seen as a necessity even for lower-class citizens who can't afford to own a car. Yet, the dryness of the place doesn't end there.

There are just a few manufacturing industries in the state, so people prefer to work elsewhere. The higher educational institutions are not that attractive to win the youngsters either. The State uses her constant supply of electricity to win people instead. This attraction might look strange to you, but in a country where not up to half of the thirty-six states can boast of a steady supply of electricity, Kebbi State can proudly beat her chest to the contrary. And ta-da! I'm here.

My friends ask me to come over and meet them at their different locations but I'm not stupid. After the fun, there's no job waiting for me and I don't intend to be a bother. There's so far their help can go.

 I'm stuck with my parents, and while they try to state the several benefits of being married, I'm no fool to observing my environment and making y own choices. I'm not getting married anytime soon, and my decision is none of your business...

Well, Santa is still around so I might as well continue my niceness. I don't trust that whole web called marriage. I've seen what it does to people and I don't think I want to be a victim. Cross my heart×

I'm sounding creepy right? Well, I can't help it. My eyes have bulged in and out tirelessly at the sight of the disasters in marriages, that I feel the instant something goes wrong for me if I ever get married, I'll lose my mind completely. That's how troubling I find it.

I won't leave you in the dark for long, I'll just tell you some secrets, then maybe you'll understand me better, but hey! Make sure you don't tell my parents. I like that they're in the dark about why I've chosen not to make any commitments.

********

"I never tell Georgie my full pay. He believes what I tell him, so I keep some for myself. I'm no fool you know"

I listened to Clara tell me how she hides her earnings from her husband and I was confused. They are literally struggling to put food on the table, and there she was keeping half of what she earned away from the husband she claims to love and her two boys.

"...But don't you love him? I mean does he treat you bad?" I couldn't help but ask.

"Oh girl, you wouldn't understand. Marriage isn't all about love. You just have to be wise."

She said no more, and as much as I tried to get her to talk, I noticed she wasn't interested in continuing the conversation.  

Clara had always been a lady of few words. We still had a nice time that day, but I lost touch with her some months after when they moved to another state, Sokoto, about 150 kilometres away from Kebbi State.

That's one eyesore

********

I noticed the way Uncle John looked at her. There was so much lust in his eyes it was disgusting to watch. We had come out for a drink in the new restaurant that opened in our street, and it was a cool and lazy evening. Mom and Dad refused to come out with us and we were not a bit surprised. 

My parents are such indoor people that it would be easy to deceive a stranger that I'm not their child, given my 'outdoorsy' behaviour. I hate being stuck inside for too long.

So, here I am with Uncle John, Mom's brother, a father of four boys and a lovey-dovey wife, and while we're talking generally about life and my work experience in the farm, he stops halfway to look at a female waiter who's doing all in her power to entice the men around. From the mini-skirt she has on, to her transparent crop-top that reveals the colour of the bra she's wearing, you can tell that her tactics are working well. But, it's sad to watch my uncle who has been married for fifteen years among the men ogling at her. I've heard my parents whispering about his wife's complaints of his late nights and unfaithfulness. I've also seen how Aunty Mercina looks adoringly at him while we're all together, and I can't place my hand on what would make my uncle behave the way he does. 

********

I have seen a husband beat his wife so much that she had to spend two weeks in the hospital to fully recover. No jokes. 

This happened to our next-door neighbour, and it wasn't the first time it was happening. She says since she's married to him, it's the cross she has to bear. 

I always feel like puking when she says such gibberish.

Can you imagine?

Also, there is another married couple who confessed to sleeping in separate rooms for over a year because the wife in question, refused to let go of a friend her husband suspected she was flirting with. Of course, she denied it. 

Yet I wonder, did it have to get to that point?

So, you see my point exactly. I can't trust an institution that's so shaky. An institution that leaves you so vulnerable. One minute you think you've found love, the next you're struggling to save yourself from drowning.

My mom tells me to look at her and dad and see how beautiful marriage can be. 

She tries to make me see reason; that when the love of Christ is the foundation and the centre of any marriage, it can tackle whatever comes its way. She says these and more with such ferocity that I want to believe her. 

Yeah, yeah. My parents' marriage is amazing, but I keep thinking;

Where did the others go wrong, and what's the probability that I won't end up like them one way or the other?