The Fightin’ Armadillos

“Nine-one-one dispatch. What is your emergency?”

“I’m shot! I just got shot in the stomach! I need help!”

“Ok sir, what is your location?”

“I’m off Highway 47 at the Dillonville Exit. About one mile east of the highway on the first dirt road. I think it’s county road 400 North. Please hurry! I’m bleeding all over the place!”

“Ok sir I’ll send an ambulance and a patrol car. Is the shooter still in the area?”

“Shooter? Yeah, I guess you can say he’s still here.”

“Are you in immediate danger, sir?”

“No- well yes I’m shot! But I’m not going to get shot again if that’s what you mean. Look, can you just send an ambulance and skip the police? There is no need to involve the law.”

“Sir, it is standard procedure to send out a police unit if there is a gun shot. In fact, the medical team is not allowed to help you until the police have cleared the area. Now, are you in danger? Do you know who shot you?”

“No, I’m not in danger. And yes, I know who shot me.”

“Can you please give us a name and description and, if you know their whereabouts, that as well? I can send another police unit to attempt to intercept them.”

“Oooh! I’m really bleeding and hurting! Please hurry! I really don’t need another unit sent out here. Just please get the ambulance here!”

“Help is on the way sir. Can you please provide me with information on the shooter? We’re trying to help you and stop this person from harming anyone else.”

“Look, I shot myself, ok? Please don’t send the police. I feel stupid enough already. The less people who know this the better.”

“You- you shot yourself? How did that happen?”

“Technically I got shot. But I am also the one who pulled the trigger.”

Pause

“Can you explain your situation please? I need clarification. Please give me your name and address for starters.”

“My name is Benjamin Johnstone. I’m from Dillonville. I’m on my grandfather’s property. He has a 20 acre garden out here. He likes to plant corn and beans and stuff like that. It makes him feel like a farmer.”

“Ok, Benjamin. Are you alone or is your grandfather with you? And can you please explain what happened?”

“Is the ambulance almost here?” 

“ETA is 10 minutes to get to the Dillonville exit. I need to keep you talking until they arrive. The police unit should be there in about 5 minutes. Tell me what happened.”

“Ok, I’m by myself. My grandpa was complaining about ‘dillos getting into his garden and ruining his crops.”

“Excuse me, do you mean armadillos?”

“Yes, armadillos. They’re nasty little buggers and I hate them so much!”

Groan.

“Anyway, we put cayenne pepper around the garden to keep them out but it rained over the weekend and washed it all away. So they kept getting into the garden.”

“I’m sorry, you put cayenne pepper on the garden to ward off armadillos?”

“Yes,” grunt, “they hate the smell. But it didn’t work and my grandpa was upset. I wanted to make him happy so I decided to come out here on my own and shoot any of the wretched vermin I could find.”

“You wanted to shoot armadillos? Why? They don’t hurt anybody.”

“This one hurt me! I came out here and there were several ‘dillos messing up the garden. They were having a feast on grubs and they were ruining Grandpa’s beets. So I got out my .38 Special and shot a couple of them. It was easy, really. The rest scattered after I fired a couple of shots except for this one big fella. He didn’t seem to be scared of the noise my gun was making or maybe he just didn’t care. Maybe he figured when the others left it would mean more food for him.”

Pause.

“I can hear a siren! Is that the ambulance?”

“It’s probably the police.”  

The sound of other people giggling in the background as they gather around the dispatcher to hear the call. 

“Benjamin, you gotta finish this story before the police arrive. Please?”

“So, the big one was waddling around and I shot at him but missed. He stopped and actually looked back at me then started walking again. I aimed, took a deep breath and fired.”

“Don’t tell me- the bullet ricocheted off the armor and hit you!”

“Yeah. I didn’t know that could happen, but here we are. Not exactly my proudest moment. And now that big armadillo is still nosing around. It’s almost like he knows I can’t hurt him.”

Whispers in the background.  

“Benjamin, are you applying pressure on your wound?”

“Yes, I took my shirt off and I’m putting pressure on it. But I am in pain!”

“Ok, the police are turning down the dirt road and should be to you in less than a minute.”

More whispers in the background.

A loud BANG is heard. Benjamin can be heard yelling. 

“Benjamin! Are you ok? Was that another gun shot!”

“The armadillo shot me! It hit my foot! Oh it hurts so bad!”

“What happened?”

“I dropped my gun when I got shot the first time. Like I said, that jerk armadillo came back and was nosing around the gun. I must have cocked the gun when I dropped it and the ‘dillo stuck his snout in the trigger guard and fired it! What are the odds?”

“The police pulled up. They heard the shot and will clear the area.” Giggles in background as someone can be heard saying,’Yeah, clear the area of marsupials!’  “Just to verify, for my report, you have been shot not once but twice by an armadillo who was eating your Grandpa’s beets?”

“He was eating grubs by the beets, but yes, I got shot twice by an armadillo. The police are here and they’re laughing at me. I’m going to hang up now.”

“Take care Benjamin. And be wary of any grub eating mammals. Good luck.”

Giggles can be heard as the line goes dead.