Dictionary

"Where did all the donuts go?"

'What donuts?'

"Is that- are you all wearing donuts as halos?"

'Maybe.'

"I brought those donuts to eat, Lucifer."

'There's no sign that says for eating only.'

"There shouldn't have to be. They're donuts."

'You multiplied fish. Just multiply the donuts.'

"I- fine. I will get more donuts."

'Thanks bro.'

"Don't call me bro."

'Yes ma'am.'

"Did you just take all the donuts to make more halos?"

'No.'

"It's rude to talk with your mouth full."

'It's rude to accuse people of making donut halos.'

"I can see your demons wearing them, Luc."

'It's not my fault your angels can't eat their headwear. Now let's get back to this stupid meeting. I have souls to torture.'

"Everyone, let's settle back down."

'Everyone, let's settle back down.'

"Are you mocking me?"

'Well, why do you always get to be in charge?'

"Because I created the world!"

'Look how that turned out for you.'

"What's that supposed to mean?"

'Do you even watch the news?'

"I don't have to. I'm omniscient."

'So let me get this straight. You know that this is all going on, they're begging you to fix things...and you said no?'

"I said not yet."

'I think you and I have two very different ideas of all-loving, ma'am.'

"Do you want to get this meeting going or not?"

'That depends. Are there more donuts?'

"No."

'Everyone, let's settle back down then.'

"You just wanted to be the one to say that."

'Someone clearly hasn't settled yet.'

"I'm fine. Now please, let us return to discussing the fate of Jerome McDougall."

'McDougie obviously belongs with me. He picked his nose and wiped it on his sister's face while she was sleeping.'

"He was seven. And his finger has been nowhere near his nose since then."

'No, it's been in much worse places.'

"Stop making that motion with your hands. We're all well aware of his..."

'Go on, use your words.'

"I think your fingers made it quite clear for everybody, thank you."

'Isn't that one of the big no-no sins?'

"He asked for forgiveness."

'I don't think that's why he was saying <oh God>, ma'am.'

"He went to confessional and repented."

'And then did it again.'

"They're human, Luc. They sin. That's what forgiveness is for."

'Then forgive me for the donut halos.'

"Lucifer."

'That's what I thought.'

"Jerome was a good man who made mistakes. Remember when he sold lemonade all summer so that he could buy his sister a new American Girl doll for her birthday?"

'You mean a replacement for the doll that he ran over with the lawn mower?'

"He was mowing to help his father out with chores when he had to take on a second job."

'He had to have seen the doll, ma'am. It was clearly intentional.'

"Would you cut it out with the ma'ams?"

'Aye aye, captain.'

"As for the doll, he got distracted by a pretty girl."

'So he was lusting.'

"I'd hardly say-"

'Isn't lusting one of the seven deadly sins? I know you and I differ on the meaning of all-loving apparently, but deadly is pretty straight forward, wouldn't you say?'

"He apologized for what he did."

'He crept into her room while her parents were sleeping and tried to cop a feel!'

"He apologized."

'You and I must have very different dictionaries, captain.'

"You're just grasping at straws, Luc. The man has lived thirty years, and so far all you've pointed out is nose picking and a lawn mower incident from his prepubescent years."

'Do you want me to mention the Jasmincident?'

"Did you just merge the name Jasmine with the word incident to make it sound bigger than it was?"

'He kissed his best friend's girlfriend!'

"She kissed him."

'He let her.'

"..."

'Hah, you know I'm right. He kissed Jasmine at his best friend's engagement party.'

"She was drunk, and he told Dawson about it. He didn't even kiss back."

'But he wanted to.'

"But he didn't."

'Look who's down there, sitting next to his hospital bed right now. Who is holding his hand, waiting for him to wake up?'

"Dawson is at work. They take turns watching over him."

'Does he undress McDougie with his eyes too, captain?'

"We aren't here to discuss Jasmine, Lucifer. We are here to discuss Jerome McDougall, the man who rescued a litter of kittens from a burning house, risking his own life for them."

'They were his sister's kittens.'

"It still counts."

'Then are we going to count all the times he took a penny and never left one? Or how about when he didn't tell his friend that he had spinach in his teeth, and he ended up on a live newscast, flashing his green smile everywhere? The man didn't smile for weeks, captain. Do I get a point for that?'

"He always donated to the Salvation Army ringers. And he bought his friend a pack of travel flossers. Even stood up at the town hall meeting to tell everyone to stop bothering his friend about the spinach."

'Those were not the words he used.'

"It's what he meant."

'He said <Shut your mother->'

"Lucifer! Language."

'It's just a word. But I know, I know, different dictionaries. I'll behave.'

"Thank you."

'Mother fornicating pie holes!'

"Lucifer."

'What? I used a synonym. Don't tell me their ears are too precious for that word too. They watch humans all day. Besides, you already let me do the hand motion thing.'

"We've been discussing this matter for hours now. Can you please behave yourself so that we can wrap things up?"

'You're eternal. What has you in a rush?'

"Didn't you want to get back to your souls?"

'So now you want me to torture the souls. This all-loving thing is not the best way to describe you, is it? Man, I'm buying you a dictionary for your birthday.'

"Given the overwhelming evidence, I think it is fair to say the Jerome McDougall is a completely average human being. He is not completely good, nor bad. He has, however, done many good things, and had repeatedly asked for forgiveness. I say he stays with me."

'Just because he gave that little girl his cookie does not mean he's nice. It means he's not a fan of oatmeal raisin.'

"We are never going to agree on this, are we?"

'Not unless he does something major, like kills a cat.'

"Or adopts a senior cat."

'Let's make a bet. Let the guy out of his coma. Give him the day. If he makes a move at Jasmine, we'll call him bad. If he can restrain himself, I let you take him.'

"He's a good guy. He'll make the right choice. I accept your terms."

'Oh, and I'm keeping the donuts.'

"..."

'Just zap him back already.'

"Fine. But you're not keeping the donuts."