A few hours of torture...

Submitted into Contest #49 in response to: Write a story that takes place in a waiting room.... view prompt

87 comments

General

He sat there in his chair, his family was around him. Maybe it wasn’t so bad, maybe it just looks bad. No, this was bad.

“Teddy, it’s going to be okay” his grandma told him.

He shook his head, pulling on his hair, “No it’s not, did you see how bad it was? Grandma, my car got totaled, how is it all going to be okay?”

“Ted, have some hope in you” Ted's mom said, her face twisted in worry.

He just shook his head while grabbing his hair again. He clenched his jaw, fighting the tears that wanted to come out. It was so painful how quiet the waiting room was, all you could hear was Teds intense breathing with his heart trying to break its way through his ribs, “You don’t understand,” Ted's voice cracked, “you weren’t there.”

“You're right, son. We weren’t there, but we are all here now so you're not alone on this. She is going to be okay... they are going to be okay.”

Ted looked up into his dad's eyes. His dad smiled slightly and laid a hand on Teds shoulder, it’s nice to have a family that never gives up on you.

Sometimes you have to think of the worse so you can be prepared for the worse. It’s something Emely, Ted's wife, always told him.

“Sweetie, are you sure you don’t want to clean yourself up? You wouldn’t want those scratches to get infected.”

“Mom, I am not going anywhere until I know she is okay. I’m nothing compared to the way she got hurt. Stupid idiot, who drives like an idiot, they could’ve killed any one of us.”

“And they didn’t, so don’t stress yourself over this.”

“Okay but mom, they just drove away after hitting us! Do they not have a heart?”

“I understand you, trust me I do. Sweetie, I just don’t want your blood pressure to rise up that’s all. Take deep breaths for me please.”

Ted’s mom was right, he was raising his blood pressure. He was just so angry at the person who hit them. At least check to see if we are okay. How was his family so calm?

A male doctor named Dr. Jackson came through the swinging doors and walked towards them with an anxious face.

Ted stood up, “How are they? Are they okay? Is she okay?”

He took a deep breath, “She is okay yes, but unfortunately, we are going to have to proceed to surgery.”

“And my baby?”

He twisted his fingers, “We are going to do everything we can.”

“Everything you can? Is there a chance my baby boy won’t make it through?”

“Ted, we are going to do everything we can, I need you to be patient. It's going to be a few hours, so I would recommend getting those scratches cleaned. In the meantime, we are getting her set for surgery.”

Ted backed away, feeling the world spin around him. So… there's a chance they won’t make it through. He ran his hands through his hair. 

“I have to get out of here.”

“Teddy!” Ted’s grandma called out.

Ted walked out into the hospital halls, ignoring his grandma.

Memories started to play in his mind…

***

“Come on, it’s been two minutes.”

Emely stood in front of him, pacing in the living room while shaking her hands, “Honey, it has only been 30 seconds.”

She put up her long black hair, her green eyes were so wide, “Why did the world do this to us, make us wait for two whole minutes, what’s the point? Why can’t I just know if I am pregnant or not right away? Does this world want to torture me?”

Ted got up and stopped Emely from pacing back and forth, “You’re going to put a hole in this floor if you don’t stop pacing.”

Emely looked at Ted with impatience, “I just want to know already.”

“And we will, you just have to be patient for this one time. Come on, be patient with me.”

Ted hugged Emely tightly, she didn’t know that he was killing time for her and it worked, it had already been two minutes.

“Okay, here we go.”

Emily stared at him, desperate for the answer. She put both of her hands on her face and pushed her cheeks up, “Tell me, what's our future looking like?”

Ted looked at it once and fought back the smile, “Sweetheart, I’m so sorry,” he joked, Emely stared at him disappointed and let her hands drop, she thought she wasn’t pregnant, “it looks like we are going to have to deal with a kid for the rest of our lives.”

Emily jumped up and down, screaming in joy, “You jerk!” she said, punching him in the arm.

Ted laughed, “Ow!”, he joined her and  also jumped up and down in joy, “Sweetheart, we are going to be a family!”

***

“And it looks like we are all good here, Ted. Would you like to take some extra bandages just in case?”

Ted felt like he was sleep walking, he looked at his doctor with his eyes drooping, “Yeah sure, why not.”

His doctor nodded, “Then you’re all set, have a good day.”

Ted walked out of the doctors room and stuffed the bandages in his pocket. He found his way back into the waiting room.  He tried finding things to do to pass time but all of them reminded him of Emely. He couldn’t even get coffee without thinking of the first time they met…

***

“An order of black coffee!”

Emily and Ted reached for the cup at the same time.

“Oh I’m sorry.”

“No I’m sorry, you have it” Ted told her.

“Are you sure? Have you been waiting long?”

Ted shook his head, “I’ve got nowhere to go, you take it.”

She smiled, “Thank you.”

“Black coffee!”

“Oh, well there’s mine” Ted said laughing.

She smiled and looked up and down at him, “Hey this might be a little odd, but would you like to go hangout sometime? You seem like a nice guy.”

Ted was shocked but flattered, “Yeah, I would love that. But I am a serial killer, so I better not” he joked.

Emily could tell he was joking, so she played along, “Oh that’s so funny, so am I. We should work together.”

“Oh that would be great! So after we finish doing our business, I can take you out to a nice restaurant!”

“So it’s a date” Emely laughed.

Ted raised his coffee, “It’s a date.”

***

Ted squeezed his eyes, he could feel the sharp prick of tears behind his eyelids while the lump in his throat made it difficult to breathe around. He missed her so much and was so worried, what was he going to do without her in his life? It would be nothing without her in it. Seven years together and there’s a chance that he was going to lose his whole world, what is he going to do then? Who is he going to come home to after a long day at work? Or who is going to help him through the tough times? No one can get to him like Emely does. Emely is all he has and all he wants.

Ted felt a tear drip down on his cheek, he couldn’t hold it in anymore. The one he loved most was the one he may or may not lose. He felt his leg begin to shake up and down from the anxiety rising up. His heart began to race, just the thought of losing her made him anxious. 

The sliding door opened, two new male doctors came walking through and headed directly towards Ted. One of the doctors has something in his hands, was that a baby?

The first doctor came up to Ted and smiled, “They both made it through, your wife is in recovery.”

The doctor behind him walked forward and handed him his baby boy, “Congratulations Ted, you’re officially a father.”


July 05, 2020 03:15

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87 comments

Conan Helsley
02:57 Jul 26, 2020

I liked this one too, but the writing is also a bit clunky, if you get my meaning. It doesn't detract from the story, but it does disrupt the flow. With just a bit of refinement this would be perfect. I like how you go between memories, which usually doesn't work, so kudos for that. Good job.

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20:10 Jul 26, 2020

Thank you!!

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Claire Tennant
23:55 Jul 17, 2020

What a finger nail-biting, tear-jerking Oh poor guy story A thoroughly enjoyable read Suspense all the way, the excellent word pictures evoke emotion. Well done

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04:29 Jul 18, 2020

Thank you so much!

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Shivani Manocha
09:47 Jul 17, 2020

Loved the story! The anxiety, excitement, humor was portrayed so well in different sections of the story. I loved how Ted, a grown-up man, was shown as being flurried like a child (when he talks to his mother and grandmother) when nervous and worried about his wife and child. it all seemed so realistic. Could you please check out my work and give feedback? I would really appreciate any suggestions you have for me. Thanks!

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18:24 Jul 17, 2020

Thank you so much for reading my book! I will definetly check out your stories. If you want, I just published a new one if you want to check it out! "The Urn". Thank you!

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Shivani Manocha
18:41 Jul 17, 2020

Sure!

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Anthea Sebastian
14:32 Jul 16, 2020

I loved it! The flashbacks were just enough to really tie it together!

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02:56 Jul 17, 2020

Thank you so much!

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Sav G
02:07 Jul 16, 2020

Loved the flashbacks from before transitioning to the present moment! Well written story! Ps. Please feel free to check out my stories and give me some feedback. Enjoyed reading:)

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02:55 Jul 17, 2020

Thank you so much!

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Rodrigo Juatco
10:50 Jul 15, 2020

Nice story. Glad it had a happy ending. Had me worried. Lol. Thank you for sharing you piece.

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19:17 Jul 15, 2020

Awe thanks!

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Quill Porter
14:55 Jul 14, 2020

I liked how you added the flashbacks and the line breaker. Great job!

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18:20 Jul 14, 2020

Thank you!

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Rebecca Lee
21:44 Jul 13, 2020

This by far was one of my favorites for the way you formatted it, and grabbed us with the "memory moments" - flashbacks to the way that you formatted the story for publishing. Toward the end, if I may, there were a couple of places - phrases and fluctuations, and sentences that I wonder might need a little bit of work. Nothing major - just some smoothing out to make the transition easier? Sometimes in descriptions, we tend to use repetitive words to increase our word count. Look at the third paragraph from the bottom - what would you do dif...

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18:19 Jul 14, 2020

Thank you so much! This means a lot, I will take a look! Thanks for reading my story:)))

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Sahara Carter
18:11 Jul 12, 2020

I actually “awwwed” at the end... I’m so glad it was a happy ending!

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01:40 Jul 13, 2020

Awe thank you!

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Syeda Fatima
11:56 Jul 12, 2020

An epic story! just love it... and the awesome description kept me all occupied till the end, superb. Mind taking a look at mine too?

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San T.
05:28 Jul 12, 2020

Beautiful.. loved it..

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17:24 Jul 12, 2020

Thank you!

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Cheri Jalbert
22:18 Jul 11, 2020

Very nice! Great ending.

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17:24 Jul 12, 2020

Thank you!

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Nancy Drayce
20:11 Jul 11, 2020

I loved it! Great concept! I was so happy that this story had a happy ending! Beautiful ♥

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17:23 Jul 12, 2020

Thank you!

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Zane Safrit
00:51 Jul 11, 2020

Great story, sweet ending. But what I really enjoyed was your crisp, spare writing style. Nothing wasted, no unnecessary words, no indulgences. Focused all the time. Really nice.

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03:14 Jul 11, 2020

Thank you! I am so glad you liked it!

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Benny Njuguna
13:23 Jul 10, 2020

That was a happy ending. If it wasn't, I would still be feeling sad at Ted.

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Arya Preston
03:22 Jul 09, 2020

I loved the tone of suspense in the story, you've written that very well! I could feel the emotions of the characters, especially towards the end. Great story!

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04:59 Jul 09, 2020

Thank you so much!

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Arya Preston
06:16 Jul 09, 2020

No problem! Could you check out my story too? :)

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JT Burnett II
18:00 Jul 08, 2020

Good afternoon, Ms. Valencia. “A Few Hours of Torture…” is a sweet story about a young man holding onto hope for his family after they were injured in a car crash. I was wondering why the use of ellipsis in the title. They generally denote missing information, and the title seems straight forward for this story. The flashbacks are nicely written. They add to the overall sweetness of the piece; however, I do not feel they are helping to move the story forward. They give some insight to the characters, but they take the reader away from con...

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21:15 Jul 08, 2020

Thank you for your response! It helps me a lot! When you ask me if I've considered writing it as a short film, are you suggesting that it should be? Do you think it has potential for being a short film?

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JT Burnett II
16:51 Jul 09, 2020

Yes. Your use of dialogue moves the story. Films are inherently visual and told only through what the viewer sees and hears. With its emphasis on dialogue, "A Few Hours of Torture..." could be adapted to an engaging short film.

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Elle Clark
17:38 Jul 08, 2020

Lovely story and I’m so happy it ended on such a positive note! There are a couple of edits I could suggest but they’re intended to be helpful, not critical! Let me know if it’s too much and I’ll know for next time 🙂 Some quick grammar and punctuation fixes: Use an apostrophe for possession (Ted’s mum/ Dad’s voice) Spelling mistake on ‘you’re right son’ and in speech, if you use a name at the end of a sentence it gets a comma before it (You’re right, son. / Don’t do that, Sue.) Check for comma splices - this is where you have two se...

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20:51 Jul 08, 2020

OMG this helps so much! Thank you!!

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Elle Clark
21:02 Jul 08, 2020

You’re so welcome! If you want anything like this on future stories, just leave me a comment on one of mine asking and I’m quite happy to give feedback as in depth as you want it 🙂

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21:18 Jul 08, 2020

Will do! Thank you so much!

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Elle Clark
21:20 Jul 08, 2020

No worries! Would you mind checking out one of mine?

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Alexi Delavigne
15:02 Jul 08, 2020

I really liked the flashbacks, especially the coffee one, it was so cute and I could picture it so clearly. Good job!

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16:13 Jul 08, 2020

Thank you so much!

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12:48 Jul 08, 2020

This was really sweet! I liked the flashbacks to Ted's past with Emely (also, fun spelling for that name). Sometimes you had sentences split with commas where it could have been two sentences with a period ("Ted felt a tear drip down on his cheek, he couldn’t hold it in anymore.") and this made it a bit hard to read in some places. But I loved the concept!

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