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Christmas Happy Fiction

Interview with Guilty Party 2007914- Kelly Walters

Lawyer John Grant's dialogue is excluded in this report.

I was gifted a Robin for the holidays.

Robin is a nice guy that my sister introduced to me at Christmastime. He's a guy she went to college with or whatever, I don't really know. No one ever gives me the details.

Anyways, he's a good guy, really. Never goes wrong. I've had 5 dates with him and they've gone well. I- what?

Oh. You want to know about the robin? So not Robin? You want to know about Bernie Hungarian the Third? That robin?

Okay. Thanks. So you want to hear about the bird.

First of all, I'd like to point out to anybody who listens to this- oh. You're not recording this? You're recording by writing down what I say? Not with like, a phone or something? So nobody's gonna listen to this?

Okay, I'll continue! No need to get all fired up, Mister Expensive Suit.

I am innocent. That is what I wanted to say before. There. I didn't do it. I am un-guilty.

From the start?! Geez, you have a lot of demands. Fine.

Coincidentally, the first Robin I mentioned does play a part in this. As I said from the start, my sister comes over for Christmas and she basically brings me a blind date that I didn't know was coming.

His name is Robin, and we'd probably be out on a date right now if I weren't in this cursed-

"Stay on topic." Who's doing the talking, you or me?

Very well.

Robin shows up at my house on our 4th date with this bird. I thought it was a cardinal. He insisted that it was a robin. He said he'd brought it for me so I could remember him in case he moved away or left after the holidays.

I know, this relationship turned serious. And I wasn't informed until the robin turned up as a memento! He thinks we might have a future together. I have no comment on that. I think he takes this stuff too seriously too fast.

Right. Off topic. My bad, 'senor lawyer'.

So, basically, Robin just hands me a bird. In a cage, yes. But without food and water.

I name the bird Bernie Hungarian III, but I call him Berns, pronounced “Burns”. Like burn, like in a fire? You get it? Yeah.

Anyway, after we go on our date I go back to my apartment and I hear the bird. I’m like, ughhhhh. SHUT UP! ‘Cause it’s chirping it’s freakin’ head off, right!!

And then my apartment neighbor, Dawson, shows up banging on my door and asking me to please quiet the bird! And I’m like yeah, yeah, whatever.

I give the bird a small bit of chocolate and that quiets him down.

Chocolate isn’t good for birds, as I later found out at the vet clinic. Fancy that.

And so I am left with a bird I do not know how to take care of and a rather large bill from the vet.

Berns was fine, so that doesn’t count as animal abuse. How did I know any better?!

What happened the day after that? Like I want to talk about- right. Uh huh. Yes, I understand… yes.

So, I did look up the dos and don'ts of robins. I got him a nice bird toy, and some bird food. He was living the life, I’ll tell you.

But the chirping!

It was insane!

Every time the jerk bird was hungry he’d SQUAWK SQUAWK! “Ooohh, Kelly, get me some fooooodd”!!! It drove me and the neighbors crazy! Bernie was a nice gift and all, but…

And to make matters worse, my dog, Flips, wanted to have that bird for dinner.

What? Oh, breed? I think german shepherd mix....

Flips was crazy about Bernie. And not in a lovesick way.

Flips was always trying to eat that robin. He’d jump up to try and tip over the cage, so I had to put the cage on a shelf. But then Flips figured out that he could reach the shelf if he jumped on the couch. So I had to move Bernie into my room, where Flips isn’t allowed.

That’s where Flips sorta drifts out of the picture. 

So yeah, it worked out with Robin but not his robin, if you know what I mean.

So one night, there Bernie was ‘squawk, squawk,, squawk’-ing, and I decided to put a stop to it.

What I did?

WELL, MISTER FANCY SUIT, WHAT I DID DOESN’T MATTER ‘CAUSE THE BIRD WAS SUPPOSED TO BE OUT IN THE WILD ANYWAYS. It would have gotten hurt anyways if it was still in the wild.

No. No. But I- fine. Fine. Have it your way.

Yes, I did tape the birds mouth shut. That doesn’t hurt it! Besides, he was keeping me up all night!

Other than that? You drive a hard bargain.

Okay, so when the tape broke and he was wailing again, I did poke him with a butter knife. Fine, I hit him with a butter knife. Once. And it wasn’t even that hard. Are you happy?

How did you know I did that anyways? There were no witnesses?

“I just confessed”- darn. Of course I did. 

Look, the bird thing just wasn't my forte.

Yes, I did throw the cage out the window.

Yes, the bird was in it.

Can we stop with the questions now, please?!

I know my charges!

Yes, of- YES!! For the love of-

YES. I am aware that what I did was cruelty to animals. I know I’m getting a fine. Animal abuse.

BUT THE BIRD WOULDN’T SHUT UP!

Robin or the robin?

Bernie was fine. So what’s the big deal?!

I know I threw an animal out my window! It was only three stories, for crying out loud!

Yes, Mister Grant. Uh huh.

Wait… I don’t need to go to court?

Of course they already know that I’m guilty.

Okay, I’ll admit- I am sorry for what I did to Berns.

An apology won’t get me out of this?

Can I see your degree?

December 18, 2020 19:42

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1 comment

Philip Clayberg
22:36 Dec 30, 2020

(laughing) This was brilliant! Just what I needed after a not-so-great day. Oh my. It was like a radio show from the 1930s and 1940s or one of Hollywood's screwball comedies of those decades. (Additional possible dialogue: "You threw it out of the window?" "Darn tootin' I did! The blasted bird wouldn't shut up!" "Did it survive the fall?" "How should I know? You're the police; you go check. At least I'm done with that stupid bird. Wait, wait. You're not arresting me, are you?" "That robin was the only one of its kind who was k...

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