Do Not or Donut

“Go on, Brad. Take it, nobody will notice.”

“Don’t do it Bradley! You’ve already had one. There were eight put out and there’s eight people here. If you have another one someone here’s going hungry.”

“’Someone here’s going hungry’, do you hear yourself? Give it a rest. They’re meeting room donuts not Ethiopian aid packages. Besides, that tool Jonathan is going to be banging on about whatever it is he’s banging on about for another twenty minutes easy. You really think he’ll even remember there were donuts? Never mind how many there were.”

“Don’t listen to him Brad. Remember when he told you nobody would notice if you had another slice of Angelica’s birthday cake?”

“Oh, here we go! Back to Angelica’s birthday party, you just looooove to bring that up don’t you. It was twenty years ago!”

“He said nobody with notice but they did notice didn’t they? Oh, they noticed alright, and what happened for the rest of the year?? That’s right, we go oinked at every lunchtime.”

“Whatever!! That wasn’t our fault! It was first come, first serve. That’s what they said! First come again, gets second serve is a totally reasonable policy to assume. And that Angelica was a grade A b---”

“She was eight years old!”

“So what?!”

“Eight year olds can not be …………b words.”

“Agree to disagree. I would go as far as to say most eight year olds are big time b---”

“We’re getting off topic!”

“That’s the first right thing you’ve said. We’re not at the birthday party of a lame little kid, who may or may not have been a real ‘b word’. This is a professional environment, nobodies going to oink at you here buddy.”

“How do you think this being a professional environment is a point in favour of you?! They might not oink at you Bradley, but they’ll notice, and they’ll judge. They’ll think to themselves how can we give Bradley that big promotion and all that extra responsibility if he can’t even control himself enough to only have one donut.”

“Brad, buddy, this is corporate America. If they judge you it’ll be to say wow that Brad he’s a real go getter, he see’s what he wants and he takes it.”

“You are incorrigible!”

“Jokes on you pretty boy because I don’t even know what that means.”

“Bradley, please, it doesn’t matter if anyone notices or judges you one way or the other. The bottom line is that it would be greedy to take another donut, and it would be wrong. Think of all the children in Africa who have nothing!”

“Oh yeah, that’s a real good point. What do you want him to do post this donut to Africa attention of all the starving children?! Brad, I’m going to be real with you here. In all likelihood that donut is going in the garbage and that’s what would be the real insult to those starving kids. Eat the donut Brad, eat it for all the hungry children of the world!”

“Is there anything you won’t say to get your way??”

“Eh……………..no.”

“Bradley why are we even having this discussion? You don’t need another donut, you’re not even hungry, you’re just bored.”

“How very dare you! Brad’s been working hard all day. He’s working himself to the bone and all he wants is the temporary sweet glucosey release of a few bites of a small insignificant baked good. I for one think he’s earned it.”

“He’s already had one!”

“They’re tiny! His blood sugar is probably dangerously low. That’s got to be why he hasn’t heard a single word that’s been said in this meeting, the poor boy’s wasting away.”

“What are you talking about? He’s far from wasting away. Do you know how many calories are in one of those things?”

“Oh, here we go. I was hoping it wouldn’t come to this. Wish I could say I’m surprised.”

“What do you mean??”

“I think you know.”

“I assure you I do not.”

“Two words; you are a body shamer and quite frankly I think it’s below the line, it’s disgusting, and you should be bloody ashamed of yourself.”

“That seemed like a lot more than two words.”

“AHA!! So, you don’t even bother to deny it then?”

“I absolutely deny that accusation in the strongest possible terms. Bradley, you have a beautiful body.”

“Jeeze, that’s even worse. ‘Bradley, you have a beautiful body’, what a creepy thing to say man. That sort of stuff is going to get you locked up if you’re not careful, and in a professional setting like this too.”

“How can it be creepy?? We’re representations of HIS subconscious!”

“Look all I know is that was maybe the creepiest thing anyone has ever said.”

“The point is---”

“Oh yes do please tell us the point to the world’s creepiest statement.”

“The point is that he said he was going to eat better, he said he was going to take better care of himself.”

“As I recall he said he wasn’t going to buy stuff like donuts and he’s not, is he? He didn’t say anything about not eating free donuts, that would be an insane position to take.”

“I really don’t see the material difference, the aim was to stop eating them.”

“Sure, it was, and he will, in fact he already has, kind of.”

“He decided this last night.”

“Yeah, and he hasn’t eaten any donuts---”

“Well actually---”

“Let me finish! He hasn’t eaten any donuts THAT HE HAS PAID FOR since last night, but if the universe is going to just be throwing free donuts in front of him. Well, I say that’s fair game. Besides he’s going to the gym later remember? All part of his healthy living revolution. So, when you take all the future workouts he’s going to do into account, what’s one more lousy donut.”

“Hmmm, well I think it would be best if maybe he did at least one of these workouts before he started rewarding himself, don’t you?”

“Dude, Brad’s going to burn like 10,000 calories tonight guaranteed. He’s going to look like bloody Wolverine by the summer so chill out.”

“I really don’t think that calorie burn expectation is accurate.”

“Look, how about this; how about he has half the donut? A compromise, can’t say fairer than that can you? You’ve made some good points, I’ve made some really excellent points I think you’ll agree. Let’s meet in the middle and take half the donut.”

“And you promise that’ll be it then? It’s a slippery icing glazed slope.”

“Well, let’s see how we go.”