Change

I was staring at the golden leaf necklace on my bed, a memorial. I missed them all so much. I decided why not, I closed my eyes and transported myself back to the summer of 2018. 7am, on the dot, my phone dinged, my best friend at the time, Ella. 

I choked back a sob as I watched my 13 year old self slowly wake up and answer her text, she lived in a time zone two hours ahead of me so I woke up at almost exactly 7 am every day that summer. Tears streamed down my face as I watched myself laugh at her text. Our moms made us stop talking to each other later in the year. My mom made me stop in October, I ignored her because Ella was my best friend at that time and she needed me. Her mom made her stop that January. Long story short our moms didn’t like us talking to people we’d never met in real life.

My old self got up to go to the bathroom, leaving her phone on the bed. I picked it up, held it close to my chest and sobbed. I wanted so badly to send a text, tell her it’s ok, tell her she’s my best friend. But I can’t because this is just a memory and I can’t change the past. I never will be able to tell her, not now, not ever. Ella is no longer in this world. 

I set my phone down, cried for a little more as I watched my old self text her. I watched as other members of our group joined, we laughed and talked all day, there were seven of us, and now I only talk to one every few months.

I watched my old self smile, back then, these 7 people were her closest friends. Constantly worrying about where she belongs, not knowing if anyone wants her there. Spending her entire day talking to people she met online. Talking to her friends about books that were about cats and creating her own story inside her phone with her friends, and discovering her love for writing as she created stories she made with friends, and then started making her own.

Oh Willow, I miss you so. in the course of 6 months you went from an adorable 6 year old 

 “I don’t know where Sarah went, I haven’t seen her since she ran away,” said the adorable Willow, trying to lie to her father about her missing sister she’s been hiding.

Her father laughed, “I just saw her run behind that tree.”

 “That’s not Sarah, that’s... umm... a trespasser I found on our territory and I was just going to escort her back across the border,” she defended.

And After many years on Willow’s end, and a couple months on mine, she became a beautiful, strong leader with children of her own, leading her clan the best she can, died, as I was forced to leave my friends.

Willow stormed out of camp and screamed in frustration, she had very limited control of her body. She was being possessed by a ghost of one of the greatest enemies of the clans. She rebelled and resisted her control. If there was one thing Willow was good at, it was fighting. She fought, and formed a rebellion when her mother's murderer took over, she fought when her sister Rachel switched sides and kidnapped all of the children of the clan, including hers. And she fought and fought and protected her clan with her very last breath, as a few days after she screamed in the forest, she died in a hurricane, protecting her children and citizens of her clan.

 That was just one character whose story was cut short. One of the saddest ones is Raven. He was Willow’s youngest son, snotty and arrogant, thinking he is better than everyone because his mom is leader. I had an amazing character arc planned for him, but his life got cut short in the same hurricane that killed his mom, and all the other characters I had created in our story. I hoped that my friends would continue writing with their characters, but I was soon informed that most parted ways, and most never talked to each other after I was forced to leave.

I know I should come back to the present and do my chemistry homework, but I can’t just go back after watching that. I decide to look to happier memories, and watch myself grow. 

I was laughing in choir. Show choir, the best part of middle school. We were the best choir, and our teachers favorite choir, she made that clear. It had been months since I was forced to part from my old friends in October. I was still grieving though. It was now December, two weeks before Christmas break. I decided that I needed to find new friends. And my old friends taught me one thing, that I am a good person and people want to be around me and my social skills don’t suck. 

So, after two months of grieving I went out and socialized, something I hadn’t done in a long time. After choir that day, I went up to this girl named Gale. I asked if I could sit with her at lunch. Me and Gale had talked a little in choir and I saw a potential friend in her. She said yes and I was so excited, that was the first time I’ve put myself out like that in years. I had a back up plan though, just in case things with Gale didn’t work out. There was this girl, Taylor, in my math and history class, she seemed nice and I saw a potential friend in her too. After history the next day I asked if I could sit with her, and she said yes. That week I got sick and I couldn't sit with either group, and the next week only had three days. 

I got better and spent the first day of lunch with Taylor, it was fun and she had sat alone before so I was happy we were both able to find a friend in each other. The next day I had sat with Gale, and her friends, Izzie, Zoe, and Emma. The third day I sat with the group I was in before, we didn't talk much, and at the time it was just a place to sit at lunch for me. The funny thing is, that I'm better friends with the people in that group now than I was when I was actually a part of it. I just felt like I didn't belong and they didn't want me there, and that was the last time I sat with them for over a year. So, I was soon accepted into Gales friend group, and I switched off every other day sitting with Taylor, then sitting with Gale, and I was sort of happy. I knew I finally belonged somewhere in real life and I knew my friends wanted me to be there.

I sighed as I watched myself drink a milkshake Emma bought me at a mall, I miss those friends. They were all a grade behind me, so while I went off to high school they stayed behind me. Gale is ditching us to go to a really smart school, I don’t blame her. Her brother was in my grade, he was the smartest person in the school, like 3 years ahead in math so I guess having a brother like that there’s high expectations for her, and her brother went to the smart school too. Zoe and Emma moved last summer, so even if I was in the same grade as them they wouldn’t be in my life. So, that leaves Izzie, she’s the only one from our old group joining me in high school next year. I ran into her the other day and I’m looking forward to having her in my life again, she’s told me there’s a new addition to our group, and I have a new group now so I probably won’t sit with her anymore, but I’ll enjoy seeing her around. 

I close my eyes and transport myself back to the present and stare down at my overdue chemistry homework, then being a master procrastinator, I go into one last group of memories.

I miss calculated my timing and saw myself right before high school started in a nightmare. I worried a ton that summer, what if my grades weren’t good enough to get into honors advanced math, what if I don’t get into choir because I never technically finished the audition process, what if I’m not good enough for honors chemistry, what if Taylor didn’t end up going to the same school as me and I was alone with no friends, things like that. In my dream, I was standing in the lunchroom, Taylor didn’t end up going to the same school as me so I was alone. 

Trying to find a bright side and cheer myself up, I went into the lunch line and got a hot dog and loaded up on cake and ice cream, courtesy of the dream, school lunch is never that good. Then my mom walked in and yelled at me for getting too much food in front of the entire school, there goes my chances of making new friends I guess. I started crying, but I was pissed in my dream, in real life me and my mom fought a lot, due to the drama with my online friends, she took my phone and replaced it with a flip phone. Back to the dream, I was pissed and usually when my mom gets mad at me I get rebellious, so I grabbed my hotdog off of the plate she stole out of my hands and ran out the door…

I’m jerked back to the present, I hear my parents yelling at each other, they were so close to getting a divorce a couple months ago, and recently my dad has had a ton of medical problems and it feels like whenever he says anything my mom explodes at him. I clutch an iPad, play some music, “Why should I have a heavy heart? Why should I start to break in pieces, why should I go and fall apart for you?” That’s been one of my favorite lyrics recently. Whenever I’m upset I hit shuffle on my musical playlist and this song eventually comes on and reminds me that the things or people I’m worrying about aren’t worth my panic and worry. Dear Evan Hansen is amazing, I decide to try again with another memory. 

There we are, I got the timing right this time. I’m walking into choir on the first day of high school, I got into all the classes I wanted to get into and Taylor did end up going to my school. As I walk in, I hear someone playing Sincerely Me on the piano, that was the first time I heard anything Dear Evan Hansen, I know, I was living under a rock before high school. 

The guy playing it was Seth, he was obsessed with Dear Evan Hansen, his friends were singing along to his piano. I soon learned that Seth was the best person I’ve ever seen at our age with piano, and he was the strongest singer that was a guy in our choir. Three months into the trimester I developed a huge crush on him and still have it today. I’m really glad that people can’t see me when I go back into memories, while the old me goes to grab a chair and wonder who to sit next to, and end up trying to sit alone in the back, I went over to the piano and joined the people singing Sincerely Me. I sang along to the lyrics and watched Seth smile and play piano, and stared into his bright blue eyes.

 I then started to consider if this was worse than Instagram stalking. I hadn’t done that and I told myself that I would never be as creepy as Instagram stalking but honestly if I keep going into memories to watch my crush how far is it before I cross the line. 

I left that memory and proceeded to watch other memories, during lunch me and Taylor joined her older sister, Saria and her friend Isabella. They’re the group I sit with now. I watched myself make more and more friends, and get closer to people in my old friend group, the one I didn’t belong in before. I watched myself laugh, and find a place I will always belong in choir, and I realized I could almost be considered popular, maybe. I was friends with two of the more popular kids and life was finally working out. I watched myself sit in English class and realize, I had become the person who I had so desperately wanted to be, before I met my online friends. When I was lonely, and didn’t know where I belonged.

That day I realized I was happy, life was good, or at least better than before. I have so many friends now when before I didn’t have any, and every one of these people have changed me, at least a little, and I won’t ever forget them.

I went back to reality, my parents were no longer fighting. I looked back at all the memories I just relieved, and thought about how much I have changed over a course of almost two years. It’s March, 2020 now, I’m a freshman in high school, and I’m almost 15. I remember I did one of those Instagram filters using my iPad awhile ago. It was one of those random generators, this one being about how old you look. I got thirteen and I laughed, sarcastically saying “I’m definitely a 13 year old.” I probably offended some people, a lot of my friends were younger, but being thirteen just felt so long ago, and I’ve changed so much from that shy girl in the back of the class who no one really knew and didn’t have any close friends, to being almost popular. I blossomed this past year, and yeah, things aren’t perfect, but life is amazing.

I stare down at my overdue chemistry homework, then look at my iPad, school is canceled for two weeks, due to the Coronavirus. I shove my chemistry homework to the edge of my bed, curl up with a book, and spend the next couple of days reading, humming my choir songs, thinking of my crush, and writing a book I someday want to publish, listening to Hamilton, Dear Evan Hansen, and baking cupcakes.

 I realize I have changed a lot over the past two years, but who I really am will never change. Inside, I am a hopeless romantic who can’t go a month without having a guy I like, a major book nerd who loves music and musicals, writing, and baking. No matter how many friends I have, or how old I get, this will always be who I am. 

I stopped going back into my memories as much, I did it on my birthday, and when I was super bored, but I learned to stop living in the past, stop wishing I could still talk to my online friends, stop wishing I was still in middle school with my group that was a year younger, and I learned, that the present is as good, if not better than the past.

Based on a true story.