Beyond Her Control

“Hello, and welcome to your transportation pod to” there was a small pause before a flat voice supplied the word: “Earth.”

Tarissa had ridden many a transport pod to many a planet, so she reflexively reached for the safety harness, which always felt like a child’s toy in her enormous, lilac-hued hands, as the voice continued:

“Please be sure to insert the clickety end of the metal clickety-clack into the clackety end until it goes click. Settle in and enjoy this informative presentation on your destination planet of… Earth.”

Tarissa waited for the usual presentation to begin, with anticipated amusement at its outdated charm. But to her surprise, a presentation she had never seen before began to play. “Huh, they finally updated it,” she chuckled to herself, “about damn time.”

“So you want to go to Earth!” an unreasonably cheerful voice chirped in Tarrisa’s ears, “Well, have we got an Earthtastic presentation for you!”

Earthtastic? Tarissa rolled her eyes. At least “TERRific” from the previous presentation had been a decent pun.  

“First things first, before closing the doors to the transportation pod, please ensure that your Communication Device, or CD for short, is mounted on your vest, and is in proper working order. Without it, you will not be able to call for a return vehicle and will be marooned on Earth indefinitely.”

Tarissa felt for her CD, but instead felt a lump form in her throat as her hand brushed over the smooth, uninterrupted fabric of her travel vest. She was sure the CD had been there when she put the vest on… 

That’s when she realized that the pod door had already been shut and sealed behind her. In a panic, she un-clicked her safety harness and frantically searched the smooth, featureless surface of the "control panel" for some sort of button or lever that would re-open the doors. Nothing. 

That’s when she realized she had never before needed to exit a transportation pod prematurely; she was always automatically ejected upon arrival. Also, she generally ignored the safety information beyond the clickety-clack part because frankly it had never seemed relevant to her situation. Meanwhile, the presentation droned on.

“...so that’s the procedure, should you need to exit the pod for any reason.”

“Wait, wait, go back! Rewind! Repeat!”

The presentation continued, unabated. “...regulations. Keep your shield on to remain invisible and unhearable to the humans at all times unless an Examiner, DUPT (the Department of Unallied Planetary Threats, brave defenders of free galactic citizens everywhere) or the High Council has informed you otherwise. And just as a friendly reminder, the following malisfets are outlawed galaxy-wide, and are punishable by exile to your nearest black hole. Deliberately tampering with divine timing is a malisfet. Blowing up a planet without prior authorization is a malisfet. Failing to refill the coffee in the DUPT office kitchen after drinking the last cup is a malisfet (I’m looking at you, Jerry). Conducting surveillance on free galactic citizens is a malisfet…”

Tarissa’s breath caught in her throat.

“...unless, of course, you’ve been authorized to do so by a high-ranking DUPT official.”

Tarissa released her breath, reminding herself that Admiral Imperium himself had personally signed off on this mission not ten minutes earlier. Besides which, it was her duty as a galactic prosecutor to ensure justice, whatever the cost.

“Wrongful punishment is a malisfet. Impersonating a DUPT officer is a malisfet. Revealing yourself to, harming, breeding with, or deliberately influencing humans without explicit authorization is a malisfet. Mutilating cattle is not a malisfet but it is definitely frowned upon (still looking at you, Jerry). And finally, allowing advanced technology to fall into the hands of humans is DEFINITELY a malisfet (keeping my seventh eye DIRECTLY on you, Jerry).”

There was a brief pause, and Tarissa took the opportunity to call out, “Please repeat the exit instructions!”

“And now for some important, time-sensitive travel safety advisories. Travel to Earth at this time is not advised and should only be undertaken in emergency situations. If your situation is not an emergency, please exit the pod now, by following the exit instructions I gave you earlier.”

“REPEAT THE DAMN INSTRUCTIONS!” Tarissa yelled fruitlessly, pounding on the blank console as the voice continued on.

“...considered hot and extremely dangerous. Imagine being trapped in a travel pod with a group of insane, out-of-control children hell-bent on consuming every available resource therein, you included, and also THE POD IS ON FIRE.” 

“HELP!!! I’M TRAPPED!!!” Tarissa began to bang on the walls of the pod with her enormous lavender fists. “SOMEONE LET ME OUT OF HERE!!!”

“...so there again are the exit instructions, in case you somehow missed them the first time. If you value your life, please follow them before the countdown reaches one, and go have a nice cup of coffee in the DUPT travel lounge instead. Ten, nine, eight…”

Tarissa now began throwing her full weight against the pod door, which in her case was really saying something. But apparently the pod was well-engineered and the door did little more than warp slightly. 

As the countdown rounded the number four, Tarissa’s panic shifted from the desire to escape to the necessity of re-clicking her safety harness before being violently thrown against the wall for a whole different reason.

“Three, two, *click*, one."

It was at that exact moment that Tarissa finally noticed a large red button, inconveniently located on the underside of the control-free control panel, only visible when one is completely strapped into the safety harness.

She was used to making split-second decisions, but never with stakes like these. If she unclicked her safety harness and lunged for the button, would she be ejected back into the DUPT travel lounge, or out into space, with no protective gear?

Then again, if she didn't, could she ever find her way back without a Communication Device?

"Alrighty then! Enjoy your trip to Earth!”

The decision had been made for her, and she felt all her internal organs hugging her spine as the pod was hurled out into space like a licorice flavored tic-tac violently spat from the mouth of someone who was expecting Wintergreen.