Trigger Warning

In my day, everyone wanted to marry a Saint. The Macy’s Day parade would come to town with a long open bus of blessed virgins, you’d pick one that was affordable and VOil-oom! Nature took over.

But my buddy Chad, Chadworth? Or Chadwick? I forget his stuffy birth name and we just call him Chad. Chad is an engineer, not a real beauty in the world of men. He’s the kind of guy you couldn’t pass off to a one eye sister as a good provider or that he might be Leonardo Davinci proportional. She’d see right though it (with that one good eye) and say, “No one else wants him, right?”

So we was always drinking with Chad.

One day Chad says, “I figured it out.” He was drinking a concoction of electrolysis in his Harbinger Rum and had already given up the Korean Drinking trick of eating a piece of stale toast before a bender.

“What did you figure out?”

He looked around and whispered, “ $132,000 prisoners aren’t gonna work. Not even with private prisons.”

The man is still not sexy when he drinks. I couldn’t get him hitched to an Eastern European Drug Mule. She’d probably kill the man (who is very loyal and would never deport the drug mule just because she was in the States for business).

“I’m gonna get me a wife.”

Boom. Just like that. After forty years, Chad cracked the code and was going to engineer the entire relationship and guess what? He almost did it.

As you all might know, Cavagio was born with a perfect smile, practiced spy craft between Italy and France while keeping his religious papers spotless and bedding anything he could find. When Cavagio finally got married to a woman old enough to be his Aunt Rose, she would keep him seeding young women in their marriage bed because she was a high priestess (super rich) of the occult and thought she could resurrect into the young woman’s body upon her death.

Most people know about this, (I think) and this is probably why age is such a big deal among women who are not married. So Chad had already factored his theory of “shelf life” that is that even an ugly old bastard like himself could get hitched to a former model or celebrity if waited long enough.

PART 1

“Elizabeth Taylor”

“Sure, sure. She married her plumber or something after being the hottest woman in the world and giving Elton John all her money.”

“Chauffer.”

“Nah, wasn’t it the plumber?”

“She married her house contractor and then her chauffeur. She was very practical.”

That’s cool. The woman was still doing commercials for perfume at about 80 years old. “So you going to have to wait for a celebrity to age out? Reach in and ….”

Chad was not waiting.

PART 2

Chadwick explained it was important to get a woman that couldn’t run away.

“Like a quadrapolegic?”

He was more interested in potential spouses with ankle monitors. Prisoners were getting over-crowded again because so many men had told their judges that they felt like a trans… (The penitentiary in Ione is the best place to get gender reassignment) and now the gender populations in prisoners were evening out and there would be over-crowding which leads to ankle monitors.

It is best to drink Irish coffees when going out with Chad. Keep the brain half alive or you have to google half he says.

“Keep going” [sluuuup] I point at Austin to get me another. He’s gonna charge an extra two bucks if he has to walk through the casino to get the Folgers which he mixes with Jaymo and Baileys, tops it all with whip cream for sugar balance and puts in two mini straws. (Don’t ever try the San Francisco style of 2 sugar cubes in the cup with whiskey. Taste like crap).

Chad can wait. I need to keep the sugar levels right.

So my buddy, Chaddy-baby, brings home this woman Xe Xe – I mean he gets her to be early to all the probation home imprisonment conditions required. They have matching tattoos on their faces about some kind of marriage-gang affiliation they just invented.

Xe Xe goes about fattening Chad like she’s going to give him a coronary and take all his engineering money. The rest of the fellas don't’ say nothing when he comes bulging into the bar swaying side to side and has to turn sideways to get into the door.

“You want a dog food container for your Rum?”

Guys are horrible to each other to show our affections. Chad just smiles and says Domestic Yard Training starts next week but he was so skinny that Xe Xe didn’t think he could even kick her ass in a fair fight.

We don’t say nothing because domestic assault is not cool unless you are visiting the Caribbean.

*

A few months later, Chad comes over for Dart Day, where the bar hosts gives out lovely fagacia pizza and I joined the league just for the food. I’m not throwing stupid darts at a board because the mortaring, the slope and the angles. Everyone gets mad if you throw the dart hard to avoid trajectory issues and it breaks the wall.

So Chad was gorgeous looking for chad. He came in with a mid-drift to show us all what he had been doing. Said he was going on Shark Tank to talk about a new engineering device for older couples he called Super Lube. We didn’t want to hear about him putting viagra and KJ sauce hidden in a wristband for those intimate times people can’t be intimate.

No one asked him how the prisoner marriage was going and Chad actually had less bite mikes on his slender body than we had seen when he was bulky. They might be hidden in the six pack, I don’t know.

Chad seemed happy, so we were happy.

*

About a years gone by and Super Lube is killing it. They got Barbara Corkman to partner with their product and she has super lube sold in all the finest spas and golf courses money can by. Well, Xe Xe says that her king needs a castle or compound – So Chad’s been away designing the ultimate home security with his State Sponsored ladyship. We call her Lady Xe Xe now.

They got real crocodiles in California by excavating a mote. It’s kind fun to use the quarter machines and blast food pellets at their house. The effective range of the kibble cannons is not far enough to hit the actual house but the crocodiles get happy and grow a few inches every week.

By this time, Lady Xe Xe wants to call up her old clan and she gives Lord Chad the global problems of bananas rotting in Ecuador, which are very important for her family’s historic business.

“What do they do?”

Drugs mostly. The bananas are needed for international shipments and the whole continent decided upon a banana variety from England that is now getting mold. It’s just a matter of time before Powder Corn Flakes have no powder or bananas. Chad’s loaded with lube money and he experiments with new biologically safe materials like olive oil crystalized and even grafite.

“Hey Chad, if you guys are doing so well – why you going into the drug trade?”

He explained that it was about distribution and not use, for him. It was all a bunch of puzzles an codes, like Cicada 1031 on the dark web recruiting for white hatted hackers. I didn’t get that stuff.

He said, “You ever heard those militia guys speak and say ‘leave me alone?”

I nodded.

“And then they don’t get left alone….we’re trying to avoid all that hurt.”

I jumped ahead to his thinking and asked, “Are you trying to get all the world leaders stoned?”

Seemed to me that was tried before and generals in Africa got paranoid and Uganda went into child-soldier status. “You can’t get people stoned for peace.”

I laughed in my beer. Chad thought the problem was that everyone was thinking too much without laughter. They simply cared too much and their passions led to war.

Oiy.

We have so many stoners these days that its hard to decided what’s what. Chad was very grim that we needed to get more people stoned and start earlier then their would be less crime and less war if stoning was nearly free.

“That’s your big world changing event? Why don’t you just stick to pleasure lubes and make something out of that CBD oil?”

*

The next time I saw Chad he was in a casket. Xe Xe did right by him with a nice suit and she bought the plot next to his assuming that they could be free together one day.

Apparently CBD oil has a strange affect on not feeling any trauma until its really too late. Chad had actually developed an non-inflammatory personal lubrication made out of the oils which get potheads

so excited.

Then he died.

Beep Beep. Xe Xe is calling though because I think she is lonely in that tbig house.