The Auditory Absence of Hope

Rachel paced the hundred square-foot room; the soles of her feet blistered as the weeping floor boards sent her neighbors into a frenzy.

With every bang on the wall, Rachel would shield her head. She removed the sweat weighed shirt and sat on the edge of the creaking bunk bed. Rachel gripped the sheets until her nails pierced her palms. Deep breaths.

What is she doing?

She’s practicing.

Practicing? For what?

It’s what she learned in the meeting you idiots.

Ah, is it working?

Of course not! She craves it! We crave it! WE NEED IT!

Rachel stood back to her feet and cradled her self. She scratched the track marks on her arms and resumed her zoochosis.

“Would you stop already!” a muffled voice yelled from the left wall.

Again? She’s walking again.

That’s the third time today.

The other residents aren’t happy.

They hate her.

Who doesn’t? The staff here?

They know her well.

She keeps coming back.

I’d get tired of her.

“Shut up!” Rachel said. She took fist fulls of her lank hair and kneeled to the floor. A knock at the door.

Someone’s here!

Get up you idiot!

Up! Up!

Rachel asked for a moment. She put on a jacket and sat at her desk before welcoming in her guest. She announced herself as Nina and slowly opened the door. Rachel’s gaze was locked on a sheet of paper as Nina stood with her hands in front of her.

“Everything okay, sweetie? The other residents said I should…” Nina looked at the baseboards; stained with red foot prints in a single line, and a soggy shirt in the floor. “Check in…Rachel are you okay, there’s-”

“I’m good; writing out my resentment and flaws.” Nina nodded with a half smile.

Tell her about us!

You must. Aren’t we here for help?

She can help us, give us medicine.

Ooh, we can feel euphoric again!

We will, when we’re back on the streets.

But she deleted his number.

I remember it was…634…uh.

634-483-9174

When Nina asked about the blood, Rachel said she was fine, simply hit a nail in the floor as she was working out. Nina nodded and told her to call if she needed anything.

“Rachel.” Rachel turned to the door. “We win this time.” Nina said. Rachel smirked as the door shut.

The GERD subsided in Rachel’s chest and throat as she parted her lips to sigh. She took the corners of her paper and cleansed her nails of the dead flesh.

The list. It grew with every visit: Insecure, Short-tempered, Impatient, Anxious, Addict…always an addict. These were her flaws, she’d never be perfect in her eyes, or anyone else’s, but that didn’t mean she couldn’t be a better Rachel tomorrow. That’s what they said in the meetings, what Rachel wanted to believe, why she came back.

Rachel hyperventilated as the shadows in her room grew. She turned her gaze to the window. The sun sank into the hills as the birds symphony drew to its conclusion.

Nightfall.

It’s time.

She has to survive another night.

They’re coming.

She’ll leave with them tonight.

How long can she resist? Certainly this is the last time.

The grand finale.

We must go! Shh!

“No! Don’t leave me, please!” the voices grew silent. Darkness spewed into the room, the air went still. Rachel slowly got up from the desk , bible in hand, and took refuge in a corner where she sunk to the floor.

Rachel’s eyelids grew heavy as she stared at the door. 3 am, the door crept open. Rachel trembled as her bottom jaw quivered uncontrollably.

Several shadowy figures entered the room like apes, scanning the room until they found her. They surrounded Rachel in the corner.

With tears and sweat racing down her freckled face, mucus flowing to her lip, Rachel whispered,

“Please, just leave me alone.” One of the figures sounded like her father.

“They don’t understand, but you do! We need this, it feels the empty void she left behind. Now, go in Tia’s purse so we can get our…medicine.” Another like her older sister Maria.

“Get out! I try and help you, get you a job you don’t show to, and you steal from me?! Once a junky, always a junky!” One sounded like her pastor.

“You need deliverance Rachel. Temptation is a demon man can’t fight alone. The church can’t spare another dime to please your flesh!” The last like her dealer.

“Good for it? No money no fix. Another way?” the shadow grabbed Rachel by the chin. Her pale skin suddenly grew darker as the touch seeped into her skin like ink. She looked into the black void as her teeth hammered against one another. “I can think of another way.”

Rachel smacked the hand and covered her ears as she sobbed in the corner. The figures continued to taunt her.

“No! I want to change. I want to live, but no one believes in me.”

“You can, Mija.” Rachel opened her eyes. A small light, like glowing lent, rested on her nose.

“Mama?” Rachel asked. “No one believes in me, I can’t change.”

“I do, always have.” The light grew into a solar flare, causing the shadows to shriek as they disintegrated. When the light settled, Rachel saw her mother’s face.

The glowing hand rested on her face.

“Don’t be greedy, Mija. One person believing in you is enough, even if it’s just you.” Rachel hugged the glowing figure and sobbed in her bosom.

“Can you stay the night?” Rachel asked.

“I never left your side.”

Come morning, the rehab counselors did their morning check ins. Nina knocked on Rachel’s door. No response. She announced herself before entering and found Rachel cradling a white blanket in the floor.

Nina slowly approached Rachel in the floor. She kneeled down to her and rested two fingers on her neck. A sigh of relief. She gently shook Rachel by the shoulder.

Rachel jumped and rubbed the sleep from her eyes.

"Rachel, it's officially been a week. You did it, this is the longest you've stayed! This is your time, to change things around! Would you like to discuss in the meeting today how you did it?" Nina asked.

Rachel looked down at the blanket and laughed.

"Where'd that come from? Did you have an unauthorized visit?" Nina asked. Rachel smiled.

"She was always here."