Influential People: The Browning of the Brand

On a rainy day in the big apple, 4 influencers have come together for the cultural experience of a lifetime. A swanky dinner -- hosted by millionaire chef and Tiktok content curator Adams Miles -- in a stylish SoHo apartment. Olives from the hills of Italy, a ham specially sourced by pig farmers in Africa; this dinner had all you needed to take your culinary exploits to the next level. Now, with an eagerly awaiting Instagram audience and branded products to shill, the Influencers converged, looking for a good meal and an even better uptick in their follower count.

'Hey y'all' screeched Leelu Lemana, a Venezuelan born Instagram 'comedian' with 12 million followers. She was considered one of the most Influential voices on the social media platform, and had often called herself the Dave Chappelle of Latinx female comedians. Despite a very bland and banal sense of humour, she looked good in a Bikini, which inspired millions of red blooded men from across America to follow her every word. This was to the detriment of many of her followers, as the Puerto Rican Agave Oil she had been hocking the month earlier had given hundreds of thousands of men awful rashes, specifically around their scrotal area. Even though this product was for skin care, questions must be answered as to why these red-blooded American males were slathering this cream onto their nether-regions.

She was in a living room with 3 more Instagram celebrities. Sexsmith Thurgood, an Instagram skateboard with 4 million people following him like his crazy his ex-friend, who was also stationed in the bushes near the apartment they were currently in. Joining Thurgood was Alana May, a beauty You Tuber with 5 million Instagram followers, and BeautifulVoice21, a terrible singer who also looked good in a bikini, hence why she'd been able to attract 10 million followers to her 'brand'.

The four influencers posed together as they spoke to their fans. What was telling about this situation was that they weren't actually talking to each other, and any form of communication was a show for their followers. Before all three of them had turned their live-streams on, they had only muttered a few general pleasantries to each other, despite being in the same room for hours. In modern times, our humanly instincts to interact and socialised have been destroyed by the superficial need to appeal to faces of people in bubbles on a social media site. This showed, as the 4 had the social skills of a Siberian family cut off from Western Civilisation for 40 years.

After a further while of answering questions about which Korean face-masks they used, Adams Miles called the influencers over. They all hastily ended their live-streams and walked over to the table. There was little acknowledgement of their fellow influencers, almost as if they were all oblivious to the world around them. One would suspect that they wouldn't be breaking bread with each-other, and if bread was broken, it would be for a stunning sourdough loaf, with the hope of sending the video viral online.

'Ok gang,' said Adams Miles, the beginning of his spiel sounding like a marketing video as he continued, 'How would you like, the culinary experience of a lifetime? Something that flexes the bounds of normality, that stretched the palate and lengthens the depths of the human mind? Fellas, I've created a banquet, as Spanish aristocrat Lord Manuel the forth would've said - rest his soul, that is the most on point, on fleek and on brand-ready meal in the US today,'

To be fair, Adam Miles wasn't entirely wrong. His banquet was a stunning array of Creole, Spanish, French and Northern African cuisine. From deep-fried duck wings to French Taco's that recently featured for the New York Times, this was the type of spread that would make any lonely man scrolling through Instagram jealous that he was having a McCain’s Frozen dinner that night.

'This, looks, un-real' said Sexsmith, googly eyed and mouth agape. The smell was divined, and one meal particularly caught the eye of Leelu. It was still steaming, and had a homely aroma emanating from the small air vent in the top crust.

'What's in the pie?' she asked Adam, as he swirled an expensive glass of red around the decanter that he was drinking out of. Adam chuckled to himself, before explaining to each influencer with a cocksure grin and an effervescent pitch,

'This pie, yes, this pie is my greatest creation; a true release of all of my innermost ambitions. Some say that this pie could be leftovers from something otherworldly, some could even proclaim this pie to be the aftermath of a more heavenly meal, one that human's haven't mastered the art of. Influencers, grab your pictures now, because this pie will grab you thousands of likes and propel your brand to the next level.’

The influencers waste little time consuming this pie, all grabbing a quick pic for Instagram as the others reached in and grabbed literal handfuls of food. Like their sub counts, it was a numbers game, and they raced to attain the social capital that comes with a post capturing a piece of this delicate little sweet. 

They dug into their meals as Adam Miles watched on, swilling his wine with a confident on his face. For Leelu, something didn’t seem right about this scene. A random tiktok content curator had randomly invited the four over for a tasty meal, but why?

And then she looked at the pie. It had chunks of peas and corn in it, and a greenish substance that seemed like melted broccoli. This wasn’t cheat day hack for all of those looking to attain a fabulous body for the summer ahead, this seemed a bit off.

The four influencers kept eating, and upon the completion of their meals, Adam asked,

‘Ok guys, was that the cultural experience you were all looking for?’ The Influencers had started live-streams, and Alana May took that moment to ask her followers,

‘Whaddya think my May Queens, was that meal on fleek, or on the sheikh?’ It was a sad state of affairs; that she needed to ask her followers what she personally thought of a meal she’d just consumed, of flavors that had been dancing on her tastebuds. The caustic effects of influencer culture on the human brain can never be discounted,

As the other influencers followed Alana’s lead and asked their followers for their opinions, Leelu turned to Adam and asked,

‘What was that green stuff in the pie?’

‘Yeah, and what is the recipe, because that was gnarly bro.’ Sexsmith repeated. The smile on Adam’s face grew wider than the sun over the horizon, as he prepared to reveal the secret recipe that made this pie the must make recipe of the summer,

‘Gang, what if I told you that the pie you just ate, had a little piece of me inside of it.’ Alana and Beautiful Voice 21 took this moment to ask their followers, but Leelu decided to follow up,

‘Was there something funky in that pie?’ Adam then proceeded to drop the bombshell that would change the bowel movements of the influencers quicker than their follower count going up upon the creation of an Onlyfans account.

‘Gang, I have created a pie that transported all of my innermost ambitions into a godly pastry. In that pie, is the faecal matter, of me, Adam Miles, one of, if not, the most influential content curators on TikTok.’ BeautifulVoice21 and Sexsmith started vomiting instantly, Leelu following suite mere seconds later. 

Even inspite of this sick revelation, Alana May still needed to ask her followers weather she should vomit, or eat more. With the majority of her audience being pesky trolls, Alana decided to give her fans what they wanted, holding back her vomit as she trudged her way through the greenery on the plate. It was a rather morbid way to gain second harvest, but she persisted.

After a couple of minutes of vomiting, Sexsmith and BeautifulVoice21 sprinted out. Alana kept eating the pie and Leelu was looking for answers. With Sexsmith filming her reaction, she had been embarrassed on the world stage. With a rapidly declining follower count and memes already circulating of her, Adam extended a rather morbid olive branch.

‘Leelu, I see you didn’t quite enjoy the pie,’

‘Of course not, It’s shit!’

‘Now that’s not nice, but listen to this.’ Adam proceeded to brandish a knife, a rather harrowing sign of what was to follow.

‘I have always wanted to end ones life. How would you like to be the first people murdered by Tiktok’s biggest content curator. Think about it, your follower count will skyrocket, subs for your YouTube will go through the roof. This is a cultural experience one only usual experienced by pissing off tribes in Northern Africa.’ Leelu was now terrified. First, she had been served Poop Pie, and now, this sociopath wanted to murder her. Even worst, he was trying to sell her on the prospect that her death will bring more followers, despite the fact that she couldn’t capitalise on it.

Before she could speak, a gagging Alana May points out,

‘My followers are telling you to do…’ Alana couldn’t quite finish her sentence, as a river of vomit spilled out of her mouth at that very moment. Adam was running his finger along the edge of the knife, and this seemed like a horrifying situation.

However, she genuinely wondered if this was a good idea. Death wouldn’t be ideal, but to be remembered as a brave content creator who sacrificed herself for her brand was tempting. She lived in a hyper-capitalist hustle culture that demanded you give your all for your brand. What was a bigger thing to give than her life?

So, she turned her frown upside down, and the plate of brown soon followed suite. She then got down on her knees, extend her arms, and said,

‘For my brand baby,’… With one foul swipe, her followers doubled, and her brand posthumously became the most talked about thing in America. It was a success, and she died with a smile on her face…

Not that it mattered too much, as the vomit that Alana would soon spill out of her mouth obscured her smile.