The Long Drive

“Nnnmm? . . .”

“What, babe?”

“I didn’t say anything.”

“You said, like, ‘hmm?’”

“Wasn’t me. So—damn it! She’s awake!”

“Nnnmm? Hnnh!”

“That tranquilizer was supposed to knock her out for the night.”

“Yeah, but when she elbowed me in the nose, I accidentally pushed down on the—Eyes on the road, babe!”

“Mrmmph? Hrnuhmmph!”

“Miss Avery, right? Sorry. I’m sure you’re confused and there’s a lot going on but – hey! – look I understand why you – hey, cut that out! Stop!”

“HMMPH!”

“Hey! Seriously! You’ll make us crash!”

“That’s what she’s trying to do!”

“RRMMPH! MMHRMMPH”

“Stop her!”

“That’s what I’m trying to do! Hey! Stop kicking or—Fantastic! Total waste of a milkshake!”

“Hunnnhhh!”

“Please, calm down! You’ll kill us all!”

“Hey, lady! Lady! You feel this? Yeah? This is rope tying your wrists to the, like, center storage thingy, you now, like, behind the cupholders—”

“The center console.”

“You’re tied to a moving vehicle. And this? That’s ten inches of cold, sharp steel. So if you keep thrashing around like a fish, you might end up gutted like one. Nod if you got it? Good. So, I’m going to take off your blindfold and you’re going to, like, sit there calmly and no one gets stabbed, unintentionally or otherwise. Got it? . . . Good.”

“Honey, grab the paper towels.”

“In a second.”

“Right, but there’s milkshake all over the windshield and there aren’t street lights out here—”

“Here. Use the blindfold.”

“Rmmrmph mmrmmph.”

“The bandana just spreads it around. You find the paper towels yet?”

“Are you sure paper towels are back here?”

“I bought some yesterday.”

“Those are in the trunk—Babe! Eyes on the road!”

“Sorry.”

“Mrrrmnunhumph.”

“That’s officially getting, like, super old. I’m just going to take the scarf out of her mouth and use that.”

“But she’ll scream—”

“The cornfields can’t help her. Oh relax, lady, I’m just looking for napkins.”

“Honey, maybe do that with your other hand? Because of the, well, you’re still holding the, um—”

“Oh, wow! Sorry, lady. Forgot I was still holding that.”

“Don’t just throw it in the side door like that.”

“I put it sharp side down. It’s fine.”

“Well, no, it’s double-edged. And also, it’s 5000 years old. What’d you do with the sheath?”

“What’d I do with the what?—The road, babe! Keep your eyes on the road. ”

“The leather case the dagger was in. Why’d you even take it out?”

“The Avery’s had a sharpening stone in the kitchen and I thought . . . Babe, don’t be mad, but there’s, like, a teensy weensy chance I, like, maybe left it on the counter.”

“What!? I have to return that to the museum on Mon—”

“MMMRPH!”

“Babe!”

“HOLY—!”

“RRMMPH!”

“Oh my . . . oh no . . . Is everyone okay?”

“Uhnhunmph.”

“Wow . . . babe . . . just . . . wow . . .”

“I’m so sorry.”

“Mmmmm . . .”

“We are literally in, like, the middle of nowhere—”

“Sorry.”

“—And yet, somehow, you managed—”

“There was a lot going on!”

“—to hit the only other goddamn thing—”

“I’m so sorry!”

“—in a million miles!”

“Is it . . . is it dead, you think?”

“Only if, like, the Kool Aid man jumped in the way at the last second.”

“Mmmmmm . . . hrrrnnn . . .”

“Do you have to make jokes all the—oh no! Ugh. Why did I look? It’s still twitching. It’s alive. Oh, no. Its kicking! It’s still alive!”

“You okay back there?”

“Mmmmmm . . .”

“Probably should’ve put you in a seatbelt. That’s my bad.”

“We can’t just leave it suffering like that. We have to put it out of its misery. Or at least call highway patrol.”

“Let’s ask our kidnapping victim if we should call the police.”

“Sorry! I don’t know . . . Okay. Okay, I’ll handle this. I’ll go, uh, handle this. Somehow. You . . . you wait here while I – you just wait here.”

“Okay. But hurry! Love you, babe! Oh wow. Sorry about that. His heart is in the right place, but sometimes I think his brain is on sideways.”

“Hmmph.”

“Oh, right! My bad. But if you bite me, my boyfriend will stuff you in the trunk next to the tire iron in a puddle of deer brains. Got it? . . . Good.”

“You have the wrong person.”

“Sure we do.”

“My name is Marie Herring. I’m just housesitting for the Avery’s! I came over to water plants and grab mail!”

“You were in her bed, though. In her pajamas.”

“I share clothes with Lindsay all the time – we’re best friends. Her parents said I could crash if I didn’t want to bike back across town. Check her Facebook! They’re in the Bahamas.”

“I don’t know how gullible—huh . . . well . . . But— huh . . . Hmm.”

“See? I’m telling the truth.”

“Yeah, but—Wow! That was fast. You okay, babe? How’d it go?”

“Not . . . great. Can you drive, honey? I don’t think I can focus right now.”

“Anything you need, I’ll—whoa! Did you see that? The wind ripped the door right out of my hand!”

“I’m not Lindsay Avery! Tell him. Tell him you made a mistake.”

“What? Who is she?”

“Lindsay’s best friend – but just look at them! They’re basically twins. And their souls seem pretty evenly matched.”

“I guess.”

“My family isn’t rich like Lindsay’s! They can’t afford any ransom!”

“Sorry, but I’ve got crazy long legs. You might wanna slide behind the driver’s seat.”

“Don’t you people care you got the wrong person?”

“When was the last time you refilled the wiper fluid, babe.”

“It works better when we’re going over forty. Speed up a bit.”

“I’m just a person like you!”

“Maybe if the windshield wasn’t, like, cracked and covered in chocolate and guts,. And how would the speed even affect the amount of wiper fluid?”

“The wind disperses it. It’s science.”

“Please don’t kill me.”

“I get why you’d think that, but we’re not murderers.”

“Tell that to the deer.”

“Too soon, honey.”

“So, like, you have been chosen to be a vessel for, like, a super powerful demigod who can, like, manipulate the very fabric of reality.”

“. . . What?”

“R’Shah must merge with a pure soul to take on a physical form. So when we read about Lindsay’s Young Humanitarian award—”

“But I’m not a virgin anymore! Not since prom.”

“This is why we need R’Shah in the world. Your sexuality has nothing to do with your purity or, like, value as woman. You’re pure because, like . . . like, look at these pictures! You work at an animal shelter, volunteer with leukemia kids, feed the homeless—”

“That’s my grandmother.”

“Honey, can you not do that while you’re driving?”

“Suddenly he cares about keeping your eyes on the road.”

“Are you pranking me? Is this a joke?”

“No, it’s not. And, seriously, I can look up whatever you need on my phone if you just tell me.”

“I’m just pulling up directions quick.”

“You two can’t seriously think what you’re saying is even possible!”

“We’re looking for County Road HH. And we shall find out what’s truly possible at the end of that road.”

“We literally drive to the end?”

“No, Raven’s farmhouse is like three miles down. You’ll see the bonfire through the trees.”

“This is insane! Stabbing me with that knife won’t make a me god. It’ll just kill me.”

“We’re not stabbing you with it. We’re going to draw blood from energy points on your body and then . . . Honey? Where’d you put the di’minaro?

“The who?”

“The ceremonial dagger! Where’d you put it?

“If it’s such an honor, one of you do it!”

“We’re, like, purposefully impure. It’s a cornerstone of the coven. Plus, you have to be under 17 and . . yep! You are. Ooh! And a Gemini. Oh, I can totally see that.”

“Honey, where is the dagger?”

“It’s in the door pocket thing.”

“Not anymore!”

“Probably fell under the seat when you crashed, babe.”

“I checked under the seat. I’m checking under the seat. It’s not under the seat!”

“Deep breaths, okay? It might’ve, like, slid back or something.  Hey, lady, can you, like, check under the seats?”

“We have to go back for it. It probably fell out when you opened the door to switch seats.”

“What? So now it’s my fault? It probably fell out when you slammed it shut.”

“Doesn’t matter why! It’s back there and we need it!”

“Fine! Ugh! You don’t have to yell at me.”

“Maybe it’s a sign that your god doesn’t want to be manifested.”

“Not helping. . . . Honey . . . look, I’m sorry I snapped . . . I just . . . nothing has been going well this whole night. And there’s so much pressure. We’ve only got a half hour before midnight. I don’t want to let the coven down. It’s a lot.”

“I know. I feel it too. Damian put his trust in us. But we won’t let him down. We always pull it together, don’t we, babe?”

“You always know how to calm my soul.”

“That’s because I love you.”

“I love you too, honey.”

“What in the—?”

“Wha—did she just jump out!?”

“Stop the car!”

“She just jumped out!”

“Come on, we can still get her!”

“Where? Which way did she go?”

“Into a cornfield, I think.”

“Which one?”

“I can’t tell. The wind and . . . Damn! She must’ve untied her hands somehow or bit through the ropes . . . Or maybe she used that.”

“On the plus side, at least we found the knife.”