What's Really Going On.

What’s Really Going on?

I been with my current master for over 7 human years now and that’s 49 years in dog years. Not old enough for pension or retirement or dog SSI. Whatever that means. A “dog year” is a measurement that puts the age of a dog in the context of a human lifespan, in other words, if I (Stroh’s, I’ll tell you later how my master came up with that ridiculous name at a later time). If Stroh’s  were a person, how old would I be? Most people think of one “human year” as equivalent to seven “dog years.” But that’s a bad predictor of longevity. The official formula, according to the American Veterinary Medical Association, equates the first year of a medium-sized dog’s life to 15 years of a humans. The dog’s second year equals nine years for a human. And after that, every year feels like five for a dog. That still make me almost a half century old no matter how you add it up. This formula, however, varies depending on the dog’s weight. Bigger dogs tend to have shorter lives, and thus age faster in dog years, while smaller dogs live longer, and thus age slower in dog years. (This discrepancy is due in part to the fact that big dogs are more likely to have debilitating arthritis and stomach problems.) The life expectancy of a Great Dane, for example, is just eight years, so a 4-year-old Great Dane is already a whopping 35. That said, calculating dog years is far from an exact science, as evidenced by the fact that the AVMA’s calculator lumps all dogs more than 90 pounds, including 200-pound St. Bernard’s into one category.

I don’t agree with the American Veterinary Medical Association, because it all depends on many variable factors as to how we age in dog years. It could be our diet, mental and physical abuse, homelessness or our sex life. Let’s say for the sake of argument I get clipped  (neutered) at 24 dog years old. That would be the first 15 years plus 9 more years for turning 2 years old in human years. They don’t know what that really does to a dog’s psyche or dog man hood.

When it happen to me because of the wife’s negative input. I was devastated because all the single sexy bitches in the neighborhood, no longer wanted anything to do with me. So that Saint Bernard young stud Spike is banging all of them when they get in heat and that ain’t just in August like you humans are led to believe. My smart/idiot master had mistaken my always humping on her leg as a sign that I was horny and needed to be sterilized. I was just trying to show him what she does all day when he is at work, she convinced him that, that procedure should be done immediately.

At not being able to do the dew without taking Viagra for dogs. I was feeling like I was 80 years old in dogs’ years. Even my stool had turned into a sick white color.

The master and I were like peas and carrots. I stole that quote because it was my masters favorite saying to me while we watched that movie Forrest Gump at least a 1,000 times until she showed up and his new movie is now Debbie Does Dallas.(Debbie Does Dallas is a 1978 pornographic film starring Bambi Woods. The plot of the film focuses on a team of cheerleaders attempting to earn enough money to send the title character to Dallas, Texas, to try out for the famous "Texas Cowgirls" cheerleading squad). I knew it was time for me to leave their bedroom when she turned on the DVD player in which was a lot in the beginning of their one sided relationship. Things we’re just find between us until his new wife Linda Lovelace permanently moved into our spacious house with us.

I wasn’t even the best man at their shot gun wedding she claimed that she was pregnant at the time. My master is still waiting on the baby to be delivered. Even a dumb dog knows a stork don’t bring no baby to you. That’s what she told my master. I didn’t go on their honeymoon to Germany as he promised. I was to see my ancestors. She protested so bad that I had to stay at one of the finest kennels in Hawaii. 

He’s a cardiologist, earning over $400,000 a year. She became the highest paid Hooters girl, especially after he paid for her silicone implants. She went from a C-cup size to an H-cup size. They didn’t even have a jersey that properly fitted her. Besides she only worked there about a month. Her real ambition was to star in Porn in which she made several flops. All 4 triple xxx cd’s hidden in a shoe box in her walk in closet. Right away I knew there was going to be trouble. Especially when she started taking over all my dogly duties such as getting him the newspaper, his slippers. A can of beer out of the refrigerator and put down the toilet seat after he urinated, and I drank from it. She was jealous of me from the very start and even today.

If I could have spoken to him in human words I would have told him that woman ain’t no good for us. She got so many secrets he don’t know about, but I eavesdrop on all her cell phone conversations with her ex porn lover Marcus DePree. She always uses the speaker phone when she talks to him and some of what they share shouldn’t be said even around a dog. What she gonna do and what he gonna do the next time they get together. Yikes! or Yelps! I had a good dog mind of taking pictures of her and him in my master’s bed on my former side of the king size bed, making love. Right after he pulls out of the driveway.  Maybe I could steal the used condom when they shower together, but I can’t because I’m a dog germophobic. (Germaphobia: (sometimes spelt germophobia) is a term used by psychologists to describe a pathological fear of germs, bacteria, microbes, contamination and infection. It is known by a range of other terms including mysophobia (fear of uncleanliness), verminophobia, bacillophobia, bacteriophobia).  

We don’t go to the park no more or drive around so that I can stick my head out the window or even poop in Mrs. Fillmore’s manicured lawn because we both don’t like her very fake French Poodle Contessa. Bitch!

If I could talk I’d tell the world she was born in a barn in Biloxi, Mississippi. She’s more country than rock and roll elegance. You didn’t think dogs have secrets too. I’m really from Detroit. Them people at the pet stored lied. Talking about I come from good stock. I didn’t even know my dog daddy it could have been my older brother Killer for all I know. My mother was just used as a breeder similar to what pimps do to, (Caminante Callejera), Street Walkers. Yeah, I picked up on some  Spanish when I dated a sexy Chihuahua. When I had all my important body parts still intact.

I just had to find a way for him to stay home more so that he could see how much she doesn’t love him. Maybe I could accidently push him down the steps.

I was a big dog. As a matter a fact I’m a Great Dane. No, I better not because I already heard the two of them plotting to get my master to up his life insurance policy.

I think I better go to plan B and bite off his brake lines. No can do because that was Marcus’s first idea.

Hmmm…I thought with a dog’s keen sense of intellect and revenge. I would take care of the two of them.

He would have to stay home an grieve for at least a month and I could have him all to my dog loving self. Maybe I better stop stealing them Stroh’s beer up out of the refrigerator and drinking them, because that plan didn’t make any dog sense whatsoever. Now you know how I got my name.

Time and days passed slowly by as my master stayed away more and more over the months. She insisted that he make all the overtime he could get because her Botox treatment bill was raising.

They barely spoke to one another these days. She seemed happier than I ever seen her. He was sadder than that donkey Eeyore friend of Winnie the Pooh my favorite cartoon. (He is generally characterized as a pessimistic, gloomy, depressed, anhedonic, old grey stuffed donkey).

One day, a huge package arrive by a handsome and will endowed FedEx man. Linda took and instant liking to him. He was sleeping on my former side of the bed within 1day, that was almost as fast or faster than they deliver.

All of her sexual shenanigans unbeknown to my faithful master.

The proverbial dog poop hit the fan one day when Mr. Dupree caught the FedEx guy Jumbo coming out of the front door. A fight broke out and they both whined up killing each other.

The briefly former porn star quickly packed her belongings and was never seen or heard from again.

My master was so distraught that he stayed with me everyday for 6 months grieving over her, until I couldn’t allow him to suffer another second.

When he came back from the mailbox. I laid the 100 or so naked photos of her and her many lovers and a cd at his feet, like a good dog that I had buried in the back yard along ago with several pairs of men’s brand new lady like looking male briefs that she had purchased for him, that were never given. She did ask me one day if I seen that pack of new underwear and you know that I dog dummied up.

What I didn’t tell you is that the package that was delivered that day was for me. Have you ever watched the TV shows Mr. Ed or Scooby Doo?